I’m being told by a couple of female friends not to compromise. To go after what I want. This relates to men. And I really, really want to believe them. I want to believe that I can have exactly what I want.
That I’ll find a man that will inspire me to sing corny love songs. A man that will flutter my heart every time he walks in the room. That I’ll find a man that is my biggest fan in the entire world and proves it in his thoughts, words and actions.
But that seems so implausible, especially right now. Just finding good sex seems impossible.
My two exes, since my divorce I offered the let’s just be FWB route and they both balked at me. Neither wanted to take me up on it. It was an all or nothing situation for them. But I knew in my heart we just wouldn’t be happy together long term for very practical and logical reasons. So why not enjoy the good parts while it keeps lasting?
I get that people like to set their lives up to have a semblance of permanence. There is comfort in routines and things you can count on to be there. But those are false constructs. We aren’t guarenteed anything, anyone, any amount of time or life beyond what we have already had and the now. That’s it.
And I think if we all lived by that notion we would live much more fulfilling and meaningful lives.
But if I’m guessing at what my girlfriends were trying to tell me… and I could totally be wrong because I didn’t clarify it then, but I think they mean that I want to fall in love and I also want a highly sexual relationship that is fun and a good respite from my difficult life and that there is no reason I can’t have that.
But I think right now I need a respite from men. Just a quiet time of being with myself. Maybe I’ll shoot for April to start trying to date again. Spring seems a good time to start a love affair. 😉💋