This year has been excruciatingly difficult. I just can’t seem to get my head in the game. Generally I’m super motivated and creative. Generally I can handle everything that gets thrown at me with some grace and patience.
But since my mother passed I have such a sad undertone to my life. And while I’ve accepted that this grief may linger I am not sure how to counteract the melancholy so it doesn’t impair me from doing the things I need to do.
Three days ago I procrastinated washing dishes. Then the day after I gashed my finger so severely I had to hold a tight grip on it for hours and keep it over my head, and even then it didn’t fully stop bleeding until the next day. It probably needed stitches. But this meant I couldn’t do the the dishes, even if I wanted to.
Yesterday I had planned to go to the gym but I couldn’t find the motivation. In my defense I prefer to exercise before 6pm and it wasn’t going to be possible. So I didn’t go telling myself I’d go today. But then last night I couldn’t get to sleep until 5am and I had to be up before 10.
Being that I didn’t sleep great the night before either because of a huge headache I am feeling very tired and lethargic, groggy even. Which means no gym today.
Are we seeing a pattern?
It’s like when I talk myself out of doing kind things for others. I usually regret not having done whatever it is, because if in doubt I like to land on the side of being too compassionate than not at all. And while the thought is good, the action is better.
So the lesson I am getting reinforced right now is to act on things as I think them and stop talking myself out of it, especially things I know I should be doing.
This isn’t going to be an easy feat because I have a lot of responsibilities and people to look after and things to do. So giving myself breaks has been really nice and comforting. But ultimately it isn’t really helping me, or so I’m coming to see.
So the new mindset is…..if it can be done now, do it. Let’s see how this shapes up.