My mother would be proud

I’m on the fence about it…

My mother hated my parenting style. She said I was too lenient. She said I didn’t enforce enough rules or give them enough chores and let them be far too autonomous. And she was not wrong. I have always wanted them to have a sense of freedom, learn their own way to self control, make their own choices and learn that there are consequences to everything.

But…that said…I never saw the need for corporal punishment or harsh penalties. Most often I find they have learned best from their own hardships and from both their own and parental disappointment.

But the 18 year old is really giving me a run for my money right now. I know she is an adult. But she simply can’t come and go as she wants to. Especially since she’s taken to lying to me, not introducing me to her new friends, not even the boy she hangs out with all the time. He even comes to pick her up and he still won’t introduce himself.

She’s gone as far as turning off her “find my phone” option so I can’t see if she is where she says she will be. I can no longer rely on what she says to be true. Her curfews mean nothing to her. My feelings seem to mean nothing to her.

I had already accepted that her scorn and disdain, her ignoring me except when she wants something and her angry backlashes when I ask her to keep up on her few chores was the new normal. But I absolutely will not accept being lied to.

If she doesn’t want me to care where she is and if she’s safe then she can go live somewhere where no one bothers her about it. Last night she pulled another little stunt and took my car so I had no choice but to just wait for her return. She wouldn’t answer my calls. I have no idea who she is with as I’ve never met any of these new friends.

She probably thinks I’m insane. But just last week a local 17 year old girl died from a drug overdose. She was a sweet girl. Who recently got in with a different crowd. She took a percocet at someone’s house and died. It had been laced with fentanyl.

I’ve seen a lot of things in my life. I’ve hung out with gang bangers, drug dealers, motorcycle gangs, on and on. And while I trust her judgement I also know she’s very naive and kind hearted and I am trying to protect her, not clip her wings. I think I give her enough space to get her social needs met while still allowing me to know she’s safe.

All I ask is that she tell me where she is, give me the contact information of that person and an assertion of when she will be back. I also ask that these things be truthful and accurate and she abide by her own word.

So far this has proved challenging for her. She asks “why can’t I spend the night at this boys house?”. I retort “why can’t I meet him?”. And we have yet another stalemate. Do I want her staying the night at random boys houses overnight? No. Not really.

But I had a male best friend in High school. I was allowed to spend the night at his house but my father knew him. He was around a lot. He wasn’t some mythical figure with only a name to grasp on to. He was legitimately a good friend.

I can only do so much here. If she wants to do whatever she wants to do I can’t stop her. But I did give her a choice this morning: move out or be grounded all this month. No excursions or extra curricular activities at all. Just work and her father’s house. But she gets her car this month. So I know neither option is probably sitting well with her. I gave her a few days to decide. Meanwhile she’s grounded.

Mind you, I’ve never once grounded her. Not once. So it’s funny that she’s technically an adult and I’m grounding her for the first time. But I won’t be lied to. I won’t be made to feel like my feelings and expectations are unreasonable in my own house. I don’t want her to go. Where would she go even?

But I was kicked out at 17 and never looked back and although it was hard I was much happier. So if she is that miserable here maybe she needs to find her own way. She seems to think rules and expectations don’t apply to her. I have no idea where she thinks she can go that this would not be the case. But….. it is what it is.

I’m under no legal obligation to provide for her. She’s under no legal obligation to tell me where she goes. I guess we will see what happens. Knowing her she probably thinks she can talk her way out of it. She can’t. I’m done being ramrodded: even by people I love. Sorry.

I’m establishing clear boundaries for myself, for my own happiness and peace of mind. Maybe she’ll understand that one day. Definitely not today….but one day. Maybe?

All I can hope and pray is that she’s got a good enough shoulder on her head to figure this out before she puts herself in any truly dangerous situations. But it’s her life. These are her choices. She has to suffer her own consequences. And I must learn to live with that sooner or later. I guess maybe we are going with sooner here.

Let’s see what she does.

😐😭😐

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

10 thoughts on “My mother would be proud”

  1. I agree with Sindee. Force them to tell you what they are doing and they’ll lie but tell them why you care and after a while they’ll tell you a little truth.
    Good luck😘

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’ve told her. Repeatedly. “I’m not trying to ruin your life. I just want to know your safe while you’re out there exploring the world. Knowing where you are, who you’re with and when you’ll be back is just my way of having peace of mind and knowing in any emergency I know how to get a hold of you. Hopefully never having to use the information.”.

      But in her mind it’s unacceptable and come to find out my ex who says to me “we never argue. She never lies to me.” As if I’m the problem….. but he lets her do as she pleases and she comes and goes at will.

      Which makes me bad mom. It makes me unreasonable to want any information at all. So she may be going to live with him I guess. That’s her choice. But I told her this isn’t a motel. Rules and expectations are the norm here.

      It’s up to her now. She’s 18. I’m going to accept whatever decision she makes.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You just described the identical treatment my wife and I get from our adult kids. I’m afraid I’m just like your ex so I get told more because they know they won’t get judged or questioned further. I treat them as adults yet my wife asks many more questions but gets told less. It’s hard I know!
        At least as a hotel you get visitors🤗😙

        Liked by 2 people

        1. Ouch…..

          Wow. Yea. Ok. I get it.

          Being a control freak has its disadvantages.

          My dad never cared what I did. My mom was a prison. I try to be right in the middle. With my dad it was too much freedom and I got into a lot of unnecessary trouble. With my mom it was absolute boredom and resentment. I get there probably is no winning.

          You’re lucky you have a united front still to help. Because I absolute hate being mean mom without a buffer to play nice guy.

          I think it’s unrealistic to give them complete autonomy and expect them to make good decisions always. I am not even capable of that as an adult. I have a therapist and friends I run things by. I have you guys.

          I can’t be asked to be someone I’m not and turn into “fun mom” who doesn’t care and want to know. I just can’t. And I understand I’m pushing her away. But I have A LOT on my plate and it’s asking too much of me right now. This whole situation is asking too much of me. So if she’s going to be happier with her father. Which is where she has decided to go then great. I’m not standing in her way. She is sweet. She’s a good kid. But I do an awful damn lot for that child that gets zero appreciation most times and I’m fine with it. I get that how teenagers are: sully, attitude filled, ungrateful beings that they can be.

          I am not capable of giving her so much freedom while she lives under my roof. 10 years from now that would be a different story. But she’s 18. She is still a dumbass. I am still a dumbass. I wish I had someone looking after me how I look after her honestly.

          But maybe that’s hard to understand. I am fundamentally who I am. I don’t think I’m in error here. I think I’m asking for some basic common courtesy things when you cohabitate with someone you love and care about.

          Maybe I’m wrong. But I don’t have the emotional bandwidth right now to stretch to where she wants me to right now. I just don’t.

          Liked by 2 people

          1. ‘She is sweet. She’s a good kid’. Trust your parenting and her. It is hard. I’m not saying you need to completely change but if you could just pull back that little bit it might ease the tension ( in my ancient yoda opinion)
            You’re a great mom because you care , that shouldn’t change. ❤

            Liked by 2 people

          2. I can’t. I’m lenient, flexible and open to renegotiation always. But she’s worn out my trust with her lies.

            And I hate to see her go but I think this will be a good lesson in appreciation or not. What do I know?

            But I can’t be asked for more right now. I’m being stretched too thin as it is…. emotionally. No. Sorry. I’m not being more. I appreciate that I may be wrong here. I’m not trying to die on this hill. I’m just drawing the line I’m the sand.

            She’s 18. Maybe that’s a good time for a hard lesson.

            Liked by 1 person

  2. Indeed a tough one. Letting go while they are still under your roof. Our hope is in prayer and also knowing what values you tried to instill in them. They have it in them to do right. As parents sometimes we have to let go pray and welcome back without judgement. Prodigal son story applies to daughters too
    Peace N Love

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes. I gladly welcome her not to leave. And simply comply or renegotiate terms. But I know things don’t always go as hoped for. But of course I will welcome any child back at any age……I can’t imagine not doing so.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. i know. We (parents) want them to be independent and teach them so they can be but we still want to be able to have some control. A difficult position. But we all figure it out and things will be good once we get over the hump.
        Peace n Love

        Liked by 1 person

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