So we live this existence here on this planet, in this life that has us managing two very different needs; our material needs and our spiritual needs.
Our material needs are much more obvious and they seem to supercede spiritual needs. I suppose because the lack of maintaining our physical needs met are: hunger, thirst, harsh elements, sickness, poverty, etc.
Where the repercussions for not taking care of our spiritual selves isn’t as stark and obvious to most people; especially when most people don’t seem to have instant Karma always. And spirituality is something so personal and individual that it’s almost impossible to know our own Karmic count, let alone have others judge it.
So we have these dual needs which to my mind are equally important. I wish everyone understood the gravity of not taking care of one’s spiritual self. But I don’t know how to open people’s eyes to that. Most religious orders seem ripe with hypocrisy, greed, misogyny and dereliction. So their example hardly leaves one impressed, moved or inspired to be truly spirit forward.
All this to say that I’m working on my spiritual life more. I’m gaining strides and feel a lot of clarity around that subject. Yet my physical reality seems to be crumbling a bit.
For starters I have only eaten one or two meals a day since my mom passed. I know this is not appropriate for me. I have hypoglycemia and a low metabolism from hypothyroidism. So my ideal food needs are healthy small meals or snacks every 3-4 hours.
I’m eating enough to not get jittery or hangry but I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night having to scavenge for food because of headaches or stomach cramps. Disrupting my sleep horribly.
Then I’m burning through my savings with this whole autopsy legal battle.
And come to find out there is no a moratrium on foreclosures, just for rental evictions. So there is little to no incentive for the mortgage company to work with me on this loan modification any further. I’m still going to re-attempt it. But I don’t see those options being good.
Now I don’t know if there is a loophole because I have renters, but I suspect there may not be. I guess I need to figure that out. I really have nowhere to go right now. So staying here as long as I can would be ideal, even if that means I still ultimately lose my entire investment and house.
We won’t be homeless, but the financial foundation I wanted to build for my children…… the investment that I wanted to be able to count on in retirement and to leave my kids after I’m gone…the stability of having a permanent home, seems hopeless now.
I mean I’m not giving up. My dad says stay positive. And I appreciate that he is trying to cheer me up. I appreciate that he wants me to stay focused on the good. And normally I’m right there. Normally that’s easy for me to do. But having dealt with this situation for almost two years now. This instability…..the stress……
this having to grovel for help. This having to bend over backwards over and over to go through all these hoops with little real help, dealing with rude lawyers and indifferent and judgemental loan companies that aren’t even trying to hide the fact that they prefer to take house than deal with me anymore.
It’s just so fucking sad and irritating and while I’m still going forward I’m so tired of dealing with it. I’m so tired of the uncertainty.
Well…..what’s there to do but force myself to either not think of it or maintain my hope alive. I think I’ll shower the whole situation with white light and leave it in God’s hands because I’ve tried so hard and gotten nowhere. So obviously bigger guns would be better. And that’s the biggest gun I can think of. But don’t worry. I fill my guns with water. Lol.
Well. That’s my life. Seems to be. Something seems to always be faltering. Maybe that’s just life in general, except that the waves of my life are very intense with really high, highs and really low lows. But I suppose that suits me.
Lately though I pray for that to end. Not my life but all the turmoil. I tell Divinity that even if the next chapters of my life go at warp speed because they are so easy, so happy, so serene, that would be absolutely awesome.
That seems a better way to go about this life thing then what I have gone through and am going through now.
But I’m not trying to complain or garner any sympathy here. I’m truly happy some parts of my life feel good.
I’m taking control of my dating life. I’m going to start going the gym next week when they open it again. I’m working on my clients stuff. I am aspiring to be more disciplined as far as my spirituality too and practicing the things I have learned to gain better control and strengthen my natural abilities.
We will see where this all takes me. I’m curious to see for myself really. So I guess that’s a good thing. It signals that I have hope. It signals that through this all I can maintain some inner serenity. And that a blessing beyond blessings.