I’m thinking that I’m truly not going to be happy with a partner that isn’t soul and heart centered. That’s the missing link to me. I say “heart of gold”, but my scale is based on me. So I think I’m being realistic. I don’t expect Jesus himself to knock on my door and be like “your my Magdalena”.
So I went back to having two FetLife accounts: one Dominant and one submissive. And I’m just going to weed out guys until I find one very suitable and enjoyable sexual partner.
But I think ultimately to truly fall in love it has to be with a genuinely heart and soul-centric person. And in this world those kind of people are rare. Because even the ones that say and think they are suffer from stark amounts of hypocrisy. And I’m all for everyone having a dark side but I’m also for transparency and accountability.
Sooooo…all that to say I may be having sex tonight. Lol
I’m comfortable with this man even if not necessarily attracted to him. But I, of course, made that clear and told him I needed to be seduced. He offered a massage. And he offered sushi after I prompted for dinner. Lol.
He’s a self described submissive. And so far I like his listening skills. He’s not unattractive. He’s just much older and he feels paternal almost. Which is ok, but not in the context of me being Dominant. But….well…. can’t find a lover without having sex. Now can you?
Who knows? It’s up to me. Which is exactly how I like it and me doesn’t know what she wants to do until the moment she does and that suits me just fine.
He knows. Zero expectations. He also knows…… have condoms just in case. He’s got this thing where I don’t feel I have to worry about his fragile ego and I can just be myself…..and that’s really refreshing.
I have to draw from how I was in my 20’s right now. When sex was meaningless besides my own orgasm and I could easily walk away from any man that didn’t suit my needs first. Those were fun times indeed. Why all of a sudden I got all “it has to mean something and I want something really deep” is strange to me. But that’s where I find myself.
And that’s part of some kind of growth I guess. Maybe. Spiritually? I don’t know. I go to sex clubs and watch strangers fuck and that’s fun too. Why it’s not my fun? Well…. different strokes for different folks I guess. I’ve always said I could be an orgy person, but that may be all talk. I really don’t know.
Those THC candies are stronger than I realized. Did any of this make sense? I feel like I talk in circles sometimes. Lol