It’s been exactly 3 months and 11 days since I last saw Brad. In that time I’ve gained a lot of perspective and stopped missing him so much. I have been able to look at the cost/benefit analysis of the relationship and judge for myself how unsatisfactory it was.
And I’ve learned, the very hard way of course, to put me first. My needs, my ideals, my desires, my expectations, my kinks, my thoughts, my dreams are not only valid but they need to be guarded from a world of that seems hell bent on destroying everything: itself included.
It is my job to nurture myself and decide who I let in to my life; who I share myself with. And I have to be vigilant in that job. And I don’t see that as an issue or problem at all. I see it as the natural process of taking good care of myself, of truly loving myself.
I don’t owe anything to any of these men I’m talking to. I owe myself my own dignity, respect and time to decide what I want, when I want and who I want it from. The blessing is in that coinciding with someone else’s desires; someone who is worthy of me.
To me this shift is monumental. I guess this is something fostered in little girls by good, loving, enlightened parents. But this is something it’s taken many years, many trials, much heartbreak to finally sink in for myself.
And I’m so happy I’m here. I’m so happy to feel so in control of myself, my emotions, my life (at least my love life).
It’s a new dawn, its a new day, it’s a new life for me and I’m feeling good.