I’m so horny!!

But here’s the thing.

I’m trying to grow into myself more. I’m trying to step away from the patterns that have me picking and settling for truly unsuitable partners, even just sexual ones.

I can’t blame all men for my bad taste. But I’m angry that it has to be this hard. Why do there have to be so many broken people in this world?

Here’s what I think. There are many wars going on in this world. Good vs evil. Rich vs poor. Conservative vs liberal. White vs non-white. Educated vs uneducated. On and on……. neverending.

But I believe the biggest battle going on right now is male vs female and all the nuances of that. The whole gender thing, sexuality, power dynamics, equal pay, glass ceiling, etc is really at the forefront of a lot of upheaval, anger and pushback.

But……. my thing is……

I’m not taking the blame for all the shit men have done to me. I’m not accepting the guilt of having been abused, used and disregarded. No one should be treated the way I’ve been treated by some of the these men in my life. No one!

And I don’t want to be bitter. I don’t want to by cynical. I firmly do, truthfully, believe there are good guys out there. And I will find one. I will not settle again.

I will simply have to vet the next man carefully, pay more attention to red flags and not let myself believe things that aren’t true, paint them to be better than they are or excuse behavior that is abhorrent. Never more.

But also…… I’m reading things like this and it pisses me off because I relate to it.

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These are all generalizations. I can’t say men are more selfish than women because look at all the sacrifices they can make for their country, for their jobs, for their families. I mean….. those things can’t be overlooked.

I guess my thoughts on this are as follows.

I inherently believe (but expect no one else to believe) that we all have the capacity to be bisexual and nature and nurture steer us wherever it ultimately does.

I think that repressing these natural urges creates far more problems for society than people even realize.

I also think that a lot of men really don’t seem to truly love women. Or they seem to have little regard for real women, at least. Because let’s face it, an 18 year old is still a child.

I think men steer towards younger women not just for beauty and youth but because men don’t want to be challenged in any regard.

But also, the media really seems to push this stance. With movies, porn sites, even commercials showing far too much child/adult bonds that seem borderline if not outright sexual. It’s sad. But to my mind it seems almost purposeful.

I wish there was a solution. I also wish we got rid of labels like gay/straight/bi. I know people love to label themselves and others. But I think we need to get to a place where we can accept we are humans with many varied and natural sexual desires and I wish we could ALL be allowed to be whoever we want to be, especially between consenting adults.

I truly feel that if men were allowed, with no stigma whatsoever, to be gay or bi it would actually hold much less of an appeal and they would come to women with a more pure and true desire; instead of the shackles of a “necessary societal constraint” believing what society and the media says is the “ideal woman” no matter who it is the heart truly wants.

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Look, I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t want to coddle men anymore. I don’t want to humor anyone’s ego: male or female. I’m done humoring people and society. That’s why I go after pharmaceutical companies, the government, the Tech Billionaires, corporate greed, etc. Because I don’t want to shut up about these dire issues anymore.

And here is the thing about being in power. I mean right now we are talking about how men have had this unquestioned power in society. At least during this patriarchal time on most of this planet. But the thing about power is that it attracts three things: sycophants, people wanting to take your place, or people wanting to destroy you.

I think because of that power being slowly stripped away from men they feel threatened. But see, most of us women don’t want to be any of those three things. We just want a place at the table. That’s it. We want to be treated as equals with a place at the table.

Isn’t that what everyone wants? Even as a kid I wanted that.

I truly do love men. It is hard to watch them not be able to cope with something that I think is a logical and necessary step in the progression of humanity. But at the same time, I am a woman, I have children that are females, who will have children that are females (maybe, God willing).

I want a better world for them, for all women, for all of humanity truly. And there are so many battles to take up in this world.

But I say if we just led our lives individually with compassion and truly opened up to others to see what their lives are like and stopped judging people this place would be so much different and so much better for everyone.

And I say this and yet I’m mad. These things make me mad. Because I relate to thess feelings; the hopelessness of trying to find someone that will do the right thing. Someone that won’t take advantage just because they can.

Someone that will see the pain endured and help. Especially when one isn’t in a position of power or able to do anything. Like nothing at all and you just have to suck it up and see the snickers and hold back the fucking tears.

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This is funny. In spanish nouns have sexes. The mountain is female: la montana. Cars are male: el coche. El and la can differentiate the same noun: el doctor or la doctora. This just makes that problem moot and seems logical, but trying to change an entire language to be more egalitarian is difficult I think.

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Look, I am NOT a man hater. I truly am not.

My life just feels like it’s in a frenzy right now and yet not much is actually happening day to day. It all feels a bit surreal to me. I’m here. I’m living it. Is it a daze?

But dating, trying to find sex, or FWB. Maybe right this second isn’t the best time, but when your coping mechanism is sex…..this creates a huge problem.

I know I have to stop thinking in terms of my youth. I am indeed not getting younger. But I’m also still growing as a person, I’m healing. I’m shedding.

That’s what this feels like. Sluffing off this anger. I never realized how angry I was. How angry I have been. How angry men have made me.

But what about women?

I guess I need to hold both accountable or neither.

I don’t know. I really don’t.

What I do know is that I need a community of truly beautiful souls.

Some of you here are that and I am so grateful for you.

But I need physical representations of that, not just virtual. I need live people in my here and now. I really need to build that. And maybe I need to forget for a bit about looking for the right man and concentrate on finding the right me.

A me that can see past all these stupid fights we shouldn’t even be having. A me that can be a bridge or a beacon of hope. A me that can contribute compassion to everyone……always.

I’m on a road to nowhere right now….. it feels like that really. How could I ask anyone to follow along?

Ugghhhhh…….

Why can’t prostitution be legal? I would pay for great sex right now. I really think (having the expendable money) I absolutely would.

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

2 thoughts on “I’m so horny!!”

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