A year from now. I really would like a glimpse of that day. I’m sure, assuming I’m around, it will be an average kind of day. But I wonder what that average kind of day will look like. I’m so utterly curious because I have the feeling it won’t look anything like today.
Right now, I’m at the laundromat. I just got told that oxyboost works better than vinegar for smells. Except it has its own faint smell. Still appreciated the information. Another woman went out of her way to say hi and bye to me. She seemed lost in her own world otherwise. I was still happy to be greeted. It’s just nice to have human interactions. I am and have always been easily entertained.
I had asked the teenager to help me with all this laundry. She sulked and huffed and was surly about it so I just said “you know what? Nevermind. I don’t need the attitude. Stay home. I’ll do all the laundry. But also.. you are no longer using my car.”. Her father is in the process of getting her a car soon anyway. So it’s hardly a punishment, except she did want to go see her new man tomorrow. Guess she can walk or he can pick her up.
I’m just done. Done with her attitude problem. I am done appeasing people.
My lawyer called today. He tried to dissuade me from going forward with the autopsy. I tried to explain that I know it is a horrible financial decision but that this is an emotional decision and I know if I don’t do it I’ll regret it.
Maybe not now, but one day. Because is my only shot I get at this. And I want to know the exact truth of it. Not just some vague assumption. Because this is the only closure I get to this horrible tragedy.
And he said something about her having kidney issues. That’s news to me. I’ll have to call her doctor again.
I know it probably makes no sense and will make no real difference. But everyone thinks I make bad decisions already so it’s just par for the course. The coroner wants to speak to me directly though “to try and give me closure”. I get that everyone is trying to be kind and help me. But no words are going to help me. I just want to know. That’s it. The lawyer said “ok, when they tell you she died from whatever…will that give you what you really need?”.
I wanted to scream at him “no, I want my mother back and nothing will do that.” but that felt unnecessary.
I had another friend suggest the app “seeking arrangement” to me today. She said she found the men on the app to be more civilized and gentlemanly than any other dating app. And she has extensive knowledge of all of them.
I told her I’d think about it. I’m sure there is a plethora of beautiful women on there soliciting financially beneficial arrangements and I’m not trying to date married men. But never say never I guess.
I watched the first show of Bruce Lee’s “Warrior”. I enjoyed it. Gruesome but good. I guess that’s what sells. Don’t ask me.