It’s been 13 years since my grandmother died and I did all my grieving for her before while she was slowly dying at home.
This feels much heavier. I’m having a hard time eating and talking. My energy levels are down. I force myself to eat when I start feeling dizzy. Which means I will need to start exercising to get hungry again. That will help. But right now I have zero motivation to do that.
I was reading the last text I sent my therapist, right after my mom died and I was telling her how numb I was feeling. So I guess grieving is better than numb.
I generally don’t like indulging negative emotions, like sadness. In fact I’ve been toying with a new concept all together. One where I can allow myself to feel however I want to feel. Regardless of if the emotion has any justification.
The way I see it, at any given time we expect our emotions to match whatever we have going on in our lives; internally and externally. But the spectrum of emotions is vast. Put a million people in a room to share an experience and you will get all kinds of different interpretations of said happening and the feelings had. Is there a wrong or right there?
Why can’t I let myself experience any emotion I want at any time I want? And……. I’ve decided, unequivocally, that I can.
To the extent I can control my thoughts and emotions and steer myself to feeling happy and content I will do so, regardless of circumstances.
But….in this situation now I feel I should honor whatever feelings arise as part of the process of living through her death. And I’ll be gentle and kind to myself through it all.
I’m also feeling a bit vulnerable or raw. I’m still on FetLife, talking to men. But for now I want to quarantine a week more. As much as possible at least. I do need to do laundry this week. That’s unavoidable, unless I want to throw out the dozen soaked towels that the kids used to dry the floors and all the mats that were on it. Which is money I don’t want to spend.
I’m just wondering if now is the best time to date feeling so tender inside; emotionally. It will be a new experience. Guess I will try it out and see how it goes.
Restaurants being closed is a huge nuisance for dating. As that’s primarily where I like to have first dates. It’s an adequate way to access demeanor, generosity, manners, conversation topics, etc.
I get a good feel for people when I eat with them. Plus I enjoy eating out, so it seems worth the effort for the time and energy it takes to get dolled up.
But I may have to switch to hiking. I won’t be able to access as much, but men open up more when you stand or sit beside them than if you sit across from them. I suppose it feels more natural and neutral; less like an interrogation, so that actually makes sense.
Guess I will need to go buy some cute and warm workout clothes. It’s winter in Portland though. But…. if I want companionship and sex I don’t feel I have much of a choice really.
My friends want us to move back to California. I explained that even if I wanted to we can’t afford it. I do miss my friends, but the truth of the matter is I’m genuinely not sure I really would want to anyway.
Right now I’m more concerned with the teenager and what her plans are for college.
I’m concerned with the house.
I’m wondering about my colon hydrotherapy business and equipment.
Plus……I really like Oregon. But I’d also like to travel and see the world.
I’ve been eating a lot of bananas because they satiate my stomach enough to stop the dizziness. But I don’t really like bananas. They just seem a quick means to an end. But they process quickly. I guess I need to add some kind of nut butter to it. More energy than I want to utilize, but necessary I suppose.
Need to figure something else out though because I really do not like bananas. I do like the small ones. The tropical, apple bananas, as I think they are known informally. Maybe I’ll buy those this week.
The kids leave tonight. So I get to masturbate and sit and stare at the walls without the kids worrying about me. Not sure how to get this out of my system quicker. Hopefully I can get a session in with my psychologist this week.
A lot has happened since New Year’s Eve and I don’t think I’ve processed it all yet. So talking to her will be helpful. It always is.