Since my mom died I can sit in a chair and stare into space and be fine there for hours. I don’t feel sad. I am just pensive and quiet.
The kids ask me why I keep staring at them. I’m not trying to freak them out. I’m just enjoying watching them; knowing they exist and I get to love them.
I laid in bed last night and just stared at the little one while she slept. Stared at her cute tiny freckles. The slope of her chubby little cheeks and her cute little dry lips. The first thing I noticed when I finally got to meet her outside of my body.
I’ve also been thinking of my mom and her bad decisions with men. How she put her faith and life in the hands of a man who ultimately wasn’t there for her and she paid a steep price for it.
I’m thinking about how I have equally bad taste in men, worse really, and this is something that I must taking into account as a grave and serious issue, not to be casually dismissed as a laughing matter, because I see what the consequences can be.
I’ve been thinking about Brad. How I was so addicted to the rush of our sex life. How much I enjoyed being taken care of financially. How he showered me with words of affection. There were some great times we had and I enjoyed feeling loved. But I wonder how my perspective on all this will change with more time.
I can’t change any of it, but if I could would I? Yes actually, I would rather the relationship hadn’t lasted quite as long as it did. I wish I could have learned my lessons quicker and walked away sooner; with less damage to my frame and psyche.
I’m definitely passed the point where I feel inclined to text him. I’ve gotten used to him not being around anymore. I’m getting used to a life without him in it again.
I’m sure there are lessons still to come out of all of it.
My self esteem is coming back. I’m starting to feel stronger. I’m feeling good again being on my own. And the idea of not needing to have a man in my life is settling in softly, not as a form of torture, but as a viable option for a happy life.
Many women have done it before me and many will do it after, not to mention all the women doing it now. There is solidarity there.
I don’t think I’ll consider switching sides at this point. Right now I truly feel fine being alone.
Well… I have a lot of eBay work to get done. I think I’ll start on that today. Good thing to do while trying to quarantine.
It’s a gorgeous day out. Sunny and crisp.
On a sad note I finally got a hold of my aunt in New York. No one has told her . She asked how my mother was and I lied and got off the phone as soon as I could. I told her I’d call her later when her caretaker is there.
I want to ask how my aunt is doing mentally and if they think it’s safe to tell her as well as needing all her contact numbers: her social worker, her doctor, her helpers. Seemingly, no one has done anything in regards to helping her.
She said she was fine, but I also know she wouldn’t tell me if she wasn’t. I asked her to move here with me, she refused, insisting she’s fine. We will see once she knows about my mom. I’m sure she has guessed but she will have to know the truth eventually.
And I’m making that call here in a few hours. 😐