First I had a friend and a family member in California tell me how bad it was for the children to be divorced. As if I picked that option on a whim and “Gee you’re right. What was I thinking?” and let me just grovel back to my ex so I can keep living that hell. Which, oh by the way, I left FOR my children.
But I didn’t want to talk about it. So I just agreed and shut up. Maybe that was their way to try to see if the rumors of why I divorced were true. But it’s more drama than I had the energy to discuss. And I just didn’t see the point. Most people really don’t want to believe the real reasons I got divorced and I don’t blame them.
Then I get home and the teenager rags on me because I didn’t tell her when picture day was. I had seen the email and assumed because we submitted senior photos it was unnecessary. Plus I was preoccupied. Sorry. But she was really angry.
I get that at one point I had the privilege of being a room mom. I didn’t have to work and could easily coordinate the house, the kids, the finances, and all else.
But that simply isn’t the case now. I’m doing the best I can here. She was not amused when I told her that. So I said “call the school and find out”. To which she says she would not. I get the emails, so I need to forward them to her or let her know. That’s my job. I’m the mom. So then I’m like “I’m not your only parent”. Crickets. No one cares. It’s on me. That’s just the way it is I guess.
So then I’m talking to my dad and he says “talk to people”. He means lawyers and stuff, to figure out if it’s worth going after my mom’s estate. I told him I didn’t really want to and he says “well, think it through carefully and decide”. He wasn’t offering money or help. Last time he did (a few weeks ago) I heard his wife balking in the background. So that was that I guess.
I get that none of these people truly understand my life and how difficult it already is and how them imposing their expectations just adds more stress. These are all people that care about me and I care about and because of that their opinions hold weight. But also, at the same time, I am doing the best I can here….. so “Sorry to disappoint. But also, I’m sure it’s not the first or last time it will happen.”.
I’d ask for more compassion, but I don’t see the point. It just makes people feel bad or get defensive: neither of which is my goal. And I’m not being a marytr here. But I do think I seem to handle my emotions better than most people, so whatever. Fine. Moving on.
I’m formulating the thought that as far as men go…… I’m going to just have fun. I’m going to not take any of it all that serious. Because at the end of the day I really do believe that the kind of man I seek is so rare that I may never find him.
And also that, unfortunately, by societal standards I have little to offer. But by my own standards I know my love, attention, affection and sharing of myself and my life is the real prize.
So what I think I’ll do is just accept that it may never happen. I may never meet the man worthy of all I have to give. And that’s fine but I won’t settle for less or give myself so freely. I mean yes, I’m going to go out and have fun and be open to whatever possibilities formulate. But I’m going to accept that I may never meet the man of my dreams or marry again and that’s fine too.
It truly is. Sex and companionship is not to be taken for granted. And those are things that are much easier to find than true love. Really who knows? I’m not closing myself off to anything. I’m just not focusing or thinking about it anymore either. It’s been a lifetime of longing that seems a lot of time and energy wasted.
I’ve got my own life to live regardless of whether true love materializes or not.
I’ve got a life to make full all on my own and I intend to do that to the best of my capabilities. Right? With or without a man.