Lay off people please

First I had a friend and a family member in California tell me how bad it was for the children to be divorced. As if I picked that option on a whim and “Gee you’re right. What was I thinking?” and let me just grovel back to my ex so I can keep living that hell. Which, oh by the way, I left FOR my children.

But I didn’t want to talk about it. So I just agreed and shut up. Maybe that was their way to try to see if the rumors of why I divorced were true. But it’s more drama than I had the energy to discuss. And I just didn’t see the point. Most people really don’t want to believe the real reasons I got divorced and I don’t blame them.

——-

Then I get home and the teenager rags on me because I didn’t tell her when picture day was. I had seen the email and assumed because we submitted senior photos it was unnecessary. Plus I was preoccupied. Sorry. But she was really angry.

I get that at one point I had the privilege of being a room mom. I didn’t have to work and could easily coordinate the house, the kids, the finances, and all else.

But that simply isn’t the case now. I’m doing the best I can here. She was not amused when I told her that. So I said “call the school and find out”. To which she says she would not. I get the emails, so I need to forward them to her or let her know. That’s my job. I’m the mom. So then I’m like “I’m not your only parent”. Crickets. No one cares. It’s on me. That’s just the way it is I guess.

———

So then I’m talking to my dad and he says “talk to people”. He means lawyers and stuff, to figure out if it’s worth going after my mom’s estate. I told him I didn’t really want to and he says “well, think it through carefully and decide”. He wasn’t offering money or help. Last time he did (a few weeks ago) I heard his wife balking in the background. So that was that I guess.

——-

I get that none of these people truly understand my life and how difficult it already is and how them imposing their expectations just adds more stress. These are all people that care about me and I care about and because of that their opinions hold weight. But also, at the same time, I am doing the best I can here….. so “Sorry to disappoint. But also, I’m sure it’s not the first or last time it will happen.”.

I’d ask for more compassion, but I don’t see the point. It just makes people feel bad or get defensive: neither of which is my goal. And I’m not being a marytr here. But I do think I seem to handle my emotions better than most people, so whatever. Fine. Moving on.

———–

I’m formulating the thought that as far as men go…… I’m going to just have fun. I’m going to not take any of it all that serious. Because at the end of the day I really do believe that the kind of man I seek is so rare that I may never find him.

And also that, unfortunately, by societal standards I have little to offer. But by my own standards I know my love, attention, affection and sharing of myself and my life is the real prize.

So what I think I’ll do is just accept that it may never happen. I may never meet the man worthy of all I have to give. And that’s fine but I won’t settle for less or give myself so freely. I mean yes, I’m going to go out and have fun and be open to whatever possibilities formulate. But I’m going to accept that I may never meet the man of my dreams or marry again and that’s fine too.

It truly is. Sex and companionship is not to be taken for granted. And those are things that are much easier to find than true love. Really who knows? I’m not closing myself off to anything. I’m just not focusing or thinking about it anymore either. It’s been a lifetime of longing that seems a lot of time and energy wasted.

I’ve got my own life to live regardless of whether true love materializes or not.

I’ve got a life to make full all on my own and I intend to do that to the best of my capabilities. Right? With or without a man.

🙏🏽🌏🌈🥰💋

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

6 thoughts on “Lay off people please”

  1. Being an adult is a thankless job and being a parent even more so. I remember, as a child, saying that I couldn’t wait to be grown up… and then, much later, found myself fervently wishing I could have just stayed 11 years old. There’s the fairy tale, being told that one day you’ll find that one very special person, fall in love with them, and be with them for the rest of whatever… then you get that rude awakening that says, “Ha… you really believed that shit? Welcome to the reality of things!”

    Loves come and go; the good relationships turn out to not be all that good and all along, you still have to adult and parent and find yourself asking, “What about what I want and need? When is someone just gonna give a fuck about me instead of me having to put myself on hold to give others what they need?” It makes you bitter and angry; you feel cheated and maybe, if you’ve embraced the reality of things, you feel foolish because you believed the fairy tale of happily ever after. But now you have a choice or two or three: Keep chasing the fairy tale and because you believe that things have to be better than what they are now; just throw in the towel and convince yourself that you’ll never find the happiness you want and deserve; or you get your head out of your ass and make you own happiness even if it’s in the bits and pieces that such things are always in.

    At some point, you decide that you need to wrest back control of things; you tell the kids that this ain’t a game and y’all need to grow the hell up and do it now… because you know what’s gonna happen if they don’t. You make the decision to grab all the “me” time you can and in any way you can because if you don’t know anything else, you know for a fact that you don’t like being alone as much as you’ve convinced yourself you need to be and now you have another choice: Do something about that or do nothing and keep kidding yourself that you’ll be okay with having nothing at all… and feeling some kind of way because you have nothing… and because you know you’re not allowing yourself to have anything even if it’s just for a “mere moment” in the flow of things.

    Is true love a real thing? It is… but the reality is that not everyone finds it and as the fairy tale says that we will. It straight up sucks to know that you’ve been deceived, that you’ve been chasing something that eludes a lot of people and causes failures and no matter how hard one tries to fulfill the dream of happily ever after. And, sometimes, even when one decided that they’re gonna get theirs, they balk and backpedal; just being that “selfish” isn’t the way it’s supposed to be; you’re supposed to sacrifice yourself for the sake of others but you’ve learned that doing that, while noble and all that, just ain’t working for you and hasn’t for a long time now.

    Another choice: Keep sacrificing yourself and in a very thankless way or decide that you’ve had enough of setting your life aside for unrealistic idealism and those who believe that the only reason why you exist is to give them what they want while you go unfulfilled.

    Fuck that. The reality is that if you don’t do for yourself, no one is going to do it for you; if you don’t grab the proverbial bull by the horns and get the things you need for yourself – even if they wind up being temporary – no one is going to do it for you and the Mr. Right of your dreams isn’t going to just show up at your front door and announced that they’re the guy you’ve been waiting for all of your life.

    You can choose to remain unfulfilled and miserable… or you can say fuck it and do what you can – and in the time you have left – and do whatever you gotta do to be fulfilled and as happy as possible.

    Choose. You gotta do what you gotta do with or without a man but, yeah, wouldn’t some things be a bit better with one? You know it would be and you know that going without isn’t any fun so, yeah: Choose to do what you know what you need and have to do, not for “everyone else” but for yourself and if it doesn’t resemble the fairy tale, it just doesn’t… because you know that shit was bullshit to begin with. The hardest thing about being adult is knowing and finding out that you have to make your own happiness and if you do nothing – or do shit that you know is making you unhappy – it’s no one’s fault but your own. No one has done this to you – you’re doing it to yourself and like so many tend to do. They – and you – think that you don’t need anyone else in order to be okay or, as they say, you can do bad all by yourself and, well, that much is true since you’re doing bad… and that’s not what you’re supposed to be doing and the fucked up part?

    Others will sit back on their asses and seeing how badly you’re doing… and they’re not going to do one damned thing to help you do better and in the ways you damned well know you need. Well, except me… and that explains why I’m writing all of this and hoping that you’ll get off your cute ass and do whatever you gotta do to grab your pieces of happiness where and when you can because I know what’s gonna happen if you don’t.

    You’re gonna like that even less than you like the way things are now.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lol. Yes.

      I’ll go “find my happiness”. Just right now it’s not a priority, but that won’t last long. My libido and need for tactile affection will supercede all else. I’m not there right now though. Right now alone is good.

      So don’t worry. I won’t sit it out for long. But I do need to rethink my strategies and get clear my own parameters and needs and focus on those……

      I think I’m going to allow myself to be completely selfish when it comes to my needs from now on, as far as my relationship with men. It’s gotta work for me and be what I want or go away. Period. And as much as I’d like to think it will come to my door. I also know I like to make those decisions and not have them made for me.

      I still have things to figure out and I’ll get there, probably through trial and error. There is no rush. There is no time frame. It’s at my leisure and that suits me perfectly actually. Because knowing myself I know I’ll want it sooner than later. And that’s ok too.

      I have needs. We all have needs. I will get them met. I just have to do so cautiously, with intent and full awareness of what I’m doing. That’s all.

      Thanks💋

      Like

      1. Not a priority… that sends chills through me and makes me ask if not now, when? There are two aspects to this: One is to find someone who will want to be by your side and has your back; the other is to get that itch scratched when it needs scratching. Ideally, the two things can be taken care of by one person but the reality can be that until you can find someone to take care of that first aspect, you still need to take care of that second aspect or, um, if you don’t interview guys for the full time job, you might not be able to find someone who’s… suitable for it.

        I read this somewhere: Women look for a relationship and find sex… and men look for sex and find a relationship. When I first read it, I thought it was a silly notion until I actually sat and thought about it and, wow – it’s really like that.

        You say there’s no rush and no time frame and you make me roll my eyes because I happen to know that tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone and I know a whole lot of women who’ve said this very same thing… and the clock ran out on them and now they sit around, bitter, angry, and very unhappy because they waited to do something that they now realize they shouldn’t have waited on.

        One thing I learned is that a lot of women will do what you’re doing because of all of the past failures they’ve experienced and the heartache that goes with them. I learned that if those things are always on your mind when you think about this, you are, in effect, stuck and living in the past and not living in the now. Such women always say they need a better plan or strategy before committing themselves to a course of action that will provide them with what they know they need… and those plans and strategies never seem to work, not because they’re doing something wrong but because they’re always revising them and in a way that almost guarantees that they will continue to be alone and unfulfilled.

        I’d not want to see you be like pretty much all of the women I know… but it’s your life and the final decision is all on you. All I can say is something I tell a lot of men and women in this situation: Don’t let your fears make you foolish which means don’t let your fears of past failures get in the way of the happiness you know you need. If you “risk” nothing, you get nothing.

        Like

        1. Very true. Actually I have a date tomorrow. Meeting at the park for a light walk. He’s 20 years older and said something about a bum foot. But with restaurants closed. I figured I’d kill two birds. I need to get out of the house for some exercise and why not gussy myself up and meet someone new. Lol

          We seem somewhat compatible.

          Now. My mind operates much more like a man’s. And I don’t fool myself. I know I want and need tactile affection. So it’s a matter of how to get my needs met safely and without putting myself in harm’s way again and again.

          Now that last part is by necessity done so by trial and error alone.

          I’m willing to take a chance and keep going forward meeting people because I know my mental health needs it. Some people get by with alcohol or pills or ice cream or whatever.

          I need touch and preferably also sex. I need it. It’s not a joking matter to me. People can make fun of it or slam me a slut. But……I would ask those same people to explain how prostitution is one of the oldest trades and is seen all over the globe. Because people need tactile touch and release. It’s a biological and psychological need and I honestly don’t know what to think of asexual people. I’m definitely not one of them. Lol

          Like

          1. Yeah, sometimes, it’s not a bad thing to think like a man. You, my dear, are allowed to live and if someone thinks you’re a slut for getting yours, they’re just mad because they can’t. People who deny such pleasures need to have their heads checked and medicated!

            No one is gonna do this for you. Get what you need and if somebody gives you shit about it, send them to me…

            Liked by 1 person

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