Back on FetLife

Mostly, right now, it’s just for entertainment purposes. I am talking to a few men. Their ages range from 20-60. Each decade brings a different flavor or experience and inquisitiveness. There are truthfully not a lot of men in my immediate age range that message me.

The younger boi’s are so enthusiastic, they make it quite fun. The older gentleman bring a sophistication and confidence that’s very seductive.

My bio lists me as Dominant and yet I always get approached by Dominant men. When I try to explain that I’m only submissive sometimes sexually they all claim to grasp it, but I know most don’t. They aren’t used to ceding power to women to make decisions. They aren’t used to having to run all things by their partner. They aren’t used to giving the level of reverence I seek. So it seems quite useless to meet them.

But I am enjoying the discourse and I don’t have to talk about my mom. So that’s a plus too.


The girlfriends house I’ll be staying at in Seal Beach just took her own mom off life support today. They are transferring her to hospice. They give her 1-2 weeks since she can’t eat now. So she won’t be around much while I’m there.

Even though I would rather not have a pandemic right now I’m slightly grateful that this will get me out of having to have a service. There are certain family members I would rather avoid and I’m in no mood to hear people I haven’t seen or talked to in years stand there and give me condolences. People I may never even speak to again. I get that they may want to say goodbye to my mom but why does that concern me?

At my grandmother’s funeral I was actually in a good mood. I had seen her shortly after passing, while she was still at home in bed and she had the most happy and angelic look on her face. Happier than I ever remember seeing her in real life. So I knew she was fine. She had been sick for so long too. But I felt very judged for my lack of sadness. By people that don’t know what I went through and how hard it was watching her die slowly like that.

I’m not sure what will happen. My mother wasn’t just my mother. She was a girlfriend, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a boss, a neighbor, a best friend, an employee. There are people I don’t even know that will want to “pay respect”. But the pandemic is in full force down there right now, so it will be whatever is allowed and nothing more.

And I may even need to spend my own money to get her autopsied. With everything going on an insurance covered autopsy may not happen, but for my own peace of mind I would really like to know what she died of. It definitely wasn’t natural causes.

I haven’t been able to get ahold of my great aunt in New York either. I’m assuming she must know by now but she won’t answer my calls. My mother was trying to get her diagnosed with dimentia so that she could get 2 full time nurses a day. If I can’t make that happen she is going to have to go to a home or come home with me.

No one else wanted to help my aunt. So my mother took it on herself. Not sure if anyone else will want to step up but I can’t just disregard her. She isn’t doing well and my mother was her only support in the world. I love my aunt very much but she is a stubborn old bitty and I may have to go to New York to put her in order somehow and at least let her know someone cares.

I just doubt anyone else in my extended family will do anything. My aunt has no money or insurance or anything to offer anyone. And that’s the unfortunate motivator for a lot of people. She had no children either. No husband. She was a very independent, strong woman and I love and admire her deeply for it.

We get along well, but I don’t think she will be around much longer as she has been aging very aggressively this year. And I don’t want her to go to a home if that’s not where she wants to be. If I can help it. But also, I have a tiny place. Well. We shall see I guess.

I have no idea what I’m stepping into down there. My mother’s sister has already come to tell my mom’s boyfriend what she wants to have happen. On the day she died no less. And I could give zero fucks what that woman wants. My mother hated her.

God, I really hate drama. I will go to great lengths to avoid it when possible. But I have no choice but to walk into this situation with as much calmness as I can muster. I know my mom is with me. I know she will help me figure this out. In that I have no doubt. And that gives me a lot of peace.

I guess we will see what happens.


Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

12 thoughts on “Back on FetLife”

  1. You have your head on right and know who you can count on and who will be there in a month form now. So continue to follow your heart. You are smart and beautiful and a very caring person. Hang in there.. HUgs

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I do. My father has been checking up on me and my other aunt, who was my mother’s best friend, is helping me figure out what to do. She was the one that insisted I come down. And I trust her judgement. She knew my mom very well. They’ve been close since before I was even born. So if she says I need to be there I need to be there. And I know my mom’s boyfriend is a good guy. So I want to support him as best I can too and make sure no one takes advantage of his easy going nature. He has no legal right to do much because they were never legally married. So on paper they were nothing really. I just know how money and possessions and “claims” can make people act out of character or aggressive. If anything I’m just curious what my mom’s will says. I am her sole heir but I remember when we talked about this 15 years ago. And I laughed and said “ma, whatever you do do not leave any money to the republican party.”. We both laughed but she was a staunch republican that hated Trump. Lol. I can laugh.

    Just went out and bought n95 masks. I’ll wear double masks, wash my hands a lot. Take extra doses of vitamin C and D.

    I won’t have much to do down there I’m guessing. Probably go through all my mom’s stuff. She was a clothes and jewelry person. I’ve already had a family member ask for the jewelry they gifted her back. People are just so wierd. This isn’t behavior I like to see or be a part of. But what can you do? These things can bring out the worst in some people.


  3. I guess I’m the oldest guy you talk to ha ha. I’m still about 25 in my head but one thing that does change with age (for me at least) , is how much the drama matters now. Water off a ducks back! Nod , agree… then do what YOU want.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I was just meaning how much to heart you take things that others say or do. For example when my father died last year one brother asked for money even before the will came out. I could have been upset but instead I went and hugged him and offered my own money. We’ve always got on well so I didn’t want something like that to change us. (he refused my money and apoligised so alls well). That may not help you much I’m sorry.
        Just saying you have so much drama going on , don’t let what others say or do add to it. Just my opinion ,hope it makes sense?
        ❤love to you , Howie

        Liked by 1 person

        1. It does. Thanks❣️

          I don’t know that I as you obviously are. But then again I’m an only child so everyone expects me to do as I please pretty much. They all know I really have no allegiance to them. But we will see. I do like my mom’s boyfriend and he lived with and put up with her, which is more than I could do. Soooo…. whatever he says will probably go. Since I have basically no real opinion on the entire matter except wanting to know what really happened.

          Liked by 2 people

          1. It does sound really strange so I’d be curious too!
            Ahhh only child that explains it!!!.
            Ha ha joking of course. Aussie humour😉
            Can I tell you a little story? I will anyway…. my wife is normally the most sensetive caring person who goes out of her way to do anything possible for others in times of need. So at a funeral a father of an ex girlfriend of mine I was talking to the mother. We’d always got on really well so when we met at the wake we hugged tightly for a long time. She whispered while hugging , just loud enough for my wife and I to hear..”..if one more person says ‘oh so sorry for your loss’ I’m going to scream..!” I began telling funny stories of our past , at which she was so relieved to be able to laugh….then my wife said , “but really…I’m so sorry for your loss”….. !!!!
            I hope you have people who care , not just ones who say they do. ❤

            Liked by 1 person

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