I’m still processing all this. I’m glad everyone has started to leave me alone. I only got one call from a distant relative yesterday.
I don’t know if this is true for everyone, but my mother was my first love. And sure there were years we hated each other. There were times we could not get along. There was a lot of murky water under that bridge. But I did still truly love her and need her.
And that she’s gone so quickly is hard to process. It feels like a very sad dream sequence I need to wake up from. I knew my grandmother was going to pass a few years before she did. I had a very vivid dream about it. Then she got diagnosed with aggressive cancer and she lived almost a year after that. Slowly disintegrating before our eyes. So when she passed I was actually a little happy for her.
And I always thought, everyone thought, I loved my grandmother more. Even my mother thought that. But now that she’s gone I realize that no, I loved my mother the most. I just blocked a lot of that love away because she could be so hurtful sometimes. But now that she’s gone I can let it all out. I can truly let it all go. And buried beneath the anger and disappointment is a lot of real tenderness, affection and devotion.
She knows. I know she knows the truth. And I’m ok with how things were left. But I am going to miss her sweet and not often heard laughter and her cute mannerisms. I’m going to miss all of her deeply and forever.
I know I have her in my heart. Even if I don’t get to ever feel her touch again. And all this will probably sink in more when I see her. But do I even want to see her dead? I really don’t know.
I just have to put one foot in front of the other. At least no one is expecting much out of me right now. Which is a good thing because my error code is flashing and until I get it cleared I really won’t be of much use. I really won’t. 😔😔😔