Burn the Bridge

Sometimes you have to burn the bridge down not just to stop anyone from coming after you but, in my case probably more importantly, to stop yourself from going back.

Brad: I tried to light this bridge on fire many, many times. It finally caught on when he lit it from his side too. And now there is no way back. It’s gone and not even remnants remain.

I was remembering today about something that happened 2 months into going out. I had fallen pretty hard. It wasn’t love so much as a very deep obsession brewing. So much so that one day after he dropped me off I cried. I didn’t want to be away from him. And the strength of that desire scared the crap out of me. It wasn’t logical. And yet the feelings were so overpowering.

I sat on the couch and asked God/Divinity to show me his faults. I know I hadn’t clearly seen them yet and I needed something to stabilize my emotions. What better way than to see the cracks in his armor close up? And just like that as soon as I asked it was revealed. In complete and total accuracy I was given a representation of his worst.

And that dampened my feelings enough to control them. But it didn’t stop me from still seeing him. And I knew the truth the entire time. I knew who he was. For over two years more I tried to make something work that was never going to work because there was just no way around it. And…..

I was stronger then. I was leaner, meaner, happier then. Right now I feel so vulnerable, not in the sense that I’m afraid. Not in the sense that I don’t want to try. More in a way of understanding that I need to be very cautious right now.

It is, after all, up to me to guard my heart. And that’s a job I haven’t taken as seriously as I should have. But no more. This ends now. I don’t want to burn any more bridges. So I am not going to build any or cross over any into new lands until I’m absolutely sure that’s where I want to be. Until I’m absolutely sure I am safe there.

And I like that I’m putting me first again. I like that I’m setting boundaries up for my own protection. I’ll still be me. I’ll still be my genuine authentic, sweet self. But I’m standing firm now, in my need to ensure my own safety on this journey home.

πŸ™πŸ½πŸŒπŸŒˆπŸ’‹

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

5 thoughts on “Burn the Bridge”

  1. I’ve learned that the moment some women go into full protective mode, it tends not to go all that well for them. I understand why women do this but I’ve never really understood why they do this when their needs for companionship – of any kind – are still very much alive and well and suppressing them begins to become a bit of a problem.

    Us guys are “used to” getting our hearts crushed, pureed, and microwaved for good measure; many of us swear off of women but walk around with a huge chip on our shoulders over something that happened with someone else and then assuming that things won’t be any different should someone else comes along. I’d say that only the “smart” ones – men and women – really understand the nature of things, that even when the “most perfect” person comes along, chances are good that things are not going to last as long as we’d like them to and, at some point, things will start to break down and then we find ourselves sitting back and wondering what went wrong and why it couldn’t be salvaged… and then fall back into that pit of despair that causes us to re-invoke full protective mode.

    Creating a vicious cycle of behavior that can be worst than having a good relationship and then having to start all over again. It makes people bitter and cynical and, yeah, many find themselves continuing to pine for the lost love even though they understand that there were just too many aspects of being with them to allow the relationship to survive.

    I remember my first heart crushing breakup – well, I remember the pain and anguish of it; wound up talking to my mom about it, crying a couple of rivers and three lakes, and bemoaning how unfair it was. She told me that life isn’t fair and that I could look forward to having my heart broken again and that I would, on purpose or not, be responsible for breaking someone’s heart. She said that the hardest thing to do is to put it behind you, not so much forgetting but to be able to look at how things went wrong then, because I would ‘get back on the horse’ again and now my task was to not make the mistakes I made the last time… and to understand that I just might be the only one in the relationship trying not to do this.

    “You always leave room for people to make mistakes,” she said – and handing me a second box of tissues. “And people are going to make mistake and you will, too… but now it’s a matter of what you do after the mistakes have been made.”

    I said something about never getting involved with another girl for the rest of my life… and she laughed at me for a good five minutes – which infuriated me – and she told me that not only would that be a huge mistake, she’d bet me anything I cared to wager that some cute girl and I will see each other and everything will start again… and probably end in heartache because nothing is forever.

    I didn’t believe her… but she was, of course, dead on the money. It just sucks to have a good/great love go away and regardless to who was at fault – and if anyone really was. My mom told me that I had a choice: I could either set up camp in the pit of despair or I could realize that all of this is just a part of life, accept it, and keep my head up and move forward because one day, someone else will come along and I was going to want to be with them come hell or high water even though I now knew that it can come to an end. She said, “If you run and hide and give up on things, you’re gonna be miserable; you might feel that you’ve saving yourself from being hurt again and that it makes sense to do that but that’s an even bigger mistake. You don’t have to believe me and I can see it in your eyes that you don’t… but you’ll find out soon enough.”

    Yeah… she was right as always. It’s not that you lose in this – it’s what you do when it happens and while avoiding things makes sense, the heart wants what it wants and when it does and denying it, well, after a while, it doesn’t make a lot of sense and it’s only a good thing if you like being miserable, lonely, and unfulfilled. I would go on to learn that if you spend your time thinking about who you’ve lost – and no matter how you lost them – you wind up being stuck in the past and that’s not a good place to be. The last thing my mom said to me was pretty cryptic at the time: Tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone. She left me sitting there wondering what the fuck she meant by that but I eventually figured it out and took it to mean that, in this, you only have so much time to love and be loved and if you find yourself doing it over and over, well, it is what it is and what it will always be and it might be a good thing if you do it – and even fail – while you still can.

    The saying that it’s better to love and lose than to never love at all is so damned true and it’s not easy for someone to believe and embrace this; I don’t know about you or anyone else, but I’d rather love and lose than to deny myself that which I know I need in my life… because tomorrow really isn’t promised to anyone.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well. Yes. I understand. Men definitely don’t have the market cornered on getting used to have your heart’s pureed.

      I’m not stopping myself from falling in love or even from trying. I’m just putting a few road blocks for my own edification.

      I get a choice in the matter. A choice of who to jump down the rabbit hole with. Just because I can doesn’t mean I should. You’ve had a home base for a long time. You can play at your heart’s content. It’s very different when you don’t have that foundation.

      I want to make sure next time I’m am going in for more than just some fun that the guy is worthy of me, my love, my attention, energy and time.

      I had a lot of fun with Brad. I’m not trying to relive it or hold on to the past. I’m just going over it in my head now that I’m gaining perspective with time and space to see where I made mistakes. So I can learn from this as much as I can. Because you’re right I do need and want to love and be loved. I just want to get it more right than I have been. Lol

      Like

  2. I feel like saying “you go girl” ( though I hate that saying)
    When saying goodbye to someone you love its okay to be sad but that doesn’t mean you should cling to something that’s just not working. Remember the good times for what they were. Xox howie

    Liked by 1 person

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