Sometimes you have to burn the bridge down not just to stop anyone from coming after you but, in my case probably more importantly, to stop yourself from going back.
Brad: I tried to light this bridge on fire many, many times. It finally caught on when he lit it from his side too. And now there is no way back. It’s gone and not even remnants remain.
I was remembering today about something that happened 2 months into going out. I had fallen pretty hard. It wasn’t love so much as a very deep obsession brewing. So much so that one day after he dropped me off I cried. I didn’t want to be away from him. And the strength of that desire scared the crap out of me. It wasn’t logical. And yet the feelings were so overpowering.
I sat on the couch and asked God/Divinity to show me his faults. I know I hadn’t clearly seen them yet and I needed something to stabilize my emotions. What better way than to see the cracks in his armor close up? And just like that as soon as I asked it was revealed. In complete and total accuracy I was given a representation of his worst.
And that dampened my feelings enough to control them. But it didn’t stop me from still seeing him. And I knew the truth the entire time. I knew who he was. For over two years more I tried to make something work that was never going to work because there was just no way around it. And…..
I was stronger then. I was leaner, meaner, happier then. Right now I feel so vulnerable, not in the sense that I’m afraid. Not in the sense that I don’t want to try. More in a way of understanding that I need to be very cautious right now.
It is, after all, up to me to guard my heart. And that’s a job I haven’t taken as seriously as I should have. But no more. This ends now. I don’t want to burn any more bridges. So I am not going to build any or cross over any into new lands until I’m absolutely sure that’s where I want to be. Until I’m absolutely sure I am safe there.
And I like that I’m putting me first again. I like that I’m setting boundaries up for my own protection. I’ll still be me. I’ll still be my genuine authentic, sweet self. But I’m standing firm now, in my need to ensure my own safety on this journey home.