I haven’t taken a dose of THC in well over a week. Took one last night before bed and woke up super groggy, but there’s not a lot on the docket today so it’s fine.
I’m trying to go back to my FemDom story and give baby girl a rest. I officially deactivated both the FetLife accounts last night. Next time I go on I want to be absolutely clear with myself what I truly want and need.
I find that I can no longer separate sex from emotion. I don’t want to. I want both. I want a connection along with great sex. I’m just not the same person I was 20+ years ago and I don’t want to compartmentalize it anymore.
My needs are more emotionally based, not just hedonistic. It’s my own evolution I suppose. I still want fun. I still need adventure. But I also want a solid foundation of love with a caring and genuine partner.
I’m very fortunately allowed to want whatever I want. But will the universe pop it in front of me when I’m ready and deserving? Do I need to go hunt it down like the wild animal I sometimes feel I am? Do I wait it out and just work on myself and my own goals until I feel compelled to someone or to do something? Do I wait to be woo’d or rescued from my fortress of solitude?
I’m sure there are plenty of good opinions about this. But what is mine? That I don’t know yet.
I have so much work to do this week. That I don’t really have time to even think of playing or courting suitors. Which is fine. I’m not going to fall into despair for lack of sex. I think the longing is helpful in propelling me to be honest about my needs. It will also push me out of my comfort zone eventually. I’m pretty sure.
One day the gym will be open and BDSM lifestyle events will resume. Life will go back to some semblance of what we used to call normal.
I’m just glad I get to masturbate to my heart’s delight tonight. Maybe I’ll try my hand with the butt plugs I haven’t used yet.
Well. Who knows? I’m not gonna worry about it. I’m just truly grateful to have the breath of freedom I do to express all aspects of my sexuality freely and the possibility of finding reciprocation makes it all the more tantalizing and fun.
I do so deeply love dreaming about it all.