Yesterday was very low key. I woke up starving. So I decided McDonald’s would be good for breakfast. That resulted in me driving out almost 20 miles to 4 different ones until I found one open. I appeared to be the only not grumpy person in line. I thanked them profusely for being open and even gave them a box of cookies to share. I picked up enough food to last us through dinner; which wasn’t until about 8:30pm.
I had wanted it to be a no device day but the girls wanted to “celebrate” with their friends and extended family on Snapchat, Tic-Toc, Among Us, Fortnite, etc.
I’m realizing I can’t compete for their attention with those things. So I’m glad we do have no device days. Yesterday just didn’t turn out to be one of them. Which is fine. In between gifts and dinner and gobbling down greasy junk food I watched the new Disney movie Soul.
I hadn’t watched previews or read reviews so I had no idea what to expect really. But it was great. It made me laugh. It made me cry. It made me question my existential beliefs and best of all it made me reevaluate my perspective. By the end of the movie I felt better about myself and my life than I did when I started watching it. And if that’s not some powerful storytelling than I’m not sure what is.
It’s based around a black jazz musician, but it could have been another line of work, passion or person and held the same depth, I’m pretty sure. I think I want to watch it again because I’m sure there is more there to think about.
I, of course, in my zaniness most resonated with a character called Moonwind. He is a mystic who helps guide lost souls back to their bodies. Quite the opposed of what I have been doing. But in the same spirit of helping souls get to where they need to be. I’d love to be part of a group like that.
Today when I woke up I asked Divinity to please help guide me to connect to it on a deeper level in my day to day life. And as I was preparing my coffee enema and my mind was drifting to sex and masturbating and relationships and Femdom and all the other plethora of things my mind wanders to in those realms it occurred to me I was not being present.
So I stopped all the chatter in my head and focused intently on what I was doing. I watched the hot water meld with the coffee beans and express their essence. I thanked them for being here and being part of my health journey. I allowed myself to sink into my body and truly be mindful of what it was doing at each step in the process.
And it was very relaxing. It shut off all that endless jibber-jabber and let me just be here now. And now the hope is to carry that on to the rest of my day.
It also reminds me of this song I was listening to the other day and the lyrics said something like “my biggest battle is on the inside” and I could not relate more.
I could sit here and blame life, circumstances, men, my upbringing and past, societal constructs, prejudices, etc. etc. for my difficulties.
But I prefer to see where I falter myself first. To see where I have allowed, when I had a choice in the matter, my life to flutter and flounder. I want to understand my own missteps and take responsibility for the life that sits before me.
But I don’t want to focus on any of that at all really. I just want to focus on the present and on what I want for myself out of this life and hopefully work on getting there.
That’s enough for now. 💋