I never thought I’d have to make a choice.
I never wanted to.
I really still now don’t want to.
But….. I’m coming to the slow realization that I have to.
Because it’s hard enough getting one person to fulfill whatever checkboxes one thinks one needs. But when you add in a power exchange and BDSM it can be exponentially more complicated.
And while I think I can play very well and very hard on both sides of the spectrum of D/s finding someone else that can as well and then also matches fetishes somewhat has been proved impossible, at least so far. And even if we could match in the bedroom, there is a completely different dynamic outside of that, one in which I like to be deferred to (happily).
And of course I don’t make it easy either; not on myself and especially not on the poor men trying to enter my world, or just my panties.
And before I go traipsing back asking for whatever I think I want, from someone I’m asking to demonstrate they can give it; I have to be much more clear about it and much more realistic.
The safest, most logical and most fulfilling thing to do would be to find a submissive that matches my Domina as perfectly as possible.
But…… what about my submissive/cock slut side? She wants fulfilment too and I’m not sure if I can or want to stifle her completely.
I really wish this wasn’t so damn complicated. Lol
I primarily want love. I want a soft cloud. I want someone truly willing to invest in the relationship and me. Someone who wants to know me, love me, care for me and fulfill me in ways no one else can. Someone who will be devoted, open, honest, giving of themselves and very doting.
I will take nothing outside of an FLR (female led relationship), but it doesn’t have to be a complete level 4 thing. I like bits and pieces of all the stages and I am malleable to my partners needs.
And because I need an FLR outside the bedroom, forming any kind of relationship with a Dominant outside of sex alone would be futile and frustrating for both of us.
Is there any chance that I could meet the most perfect Dominant that makes me willing to submit outside of just sexually?
No! There absolutely isn’t. No chance. None at all. Because I will never give up that much control. I don’t want to and I will not be happy doing so.
Because I am stubborn and opinionated, and I like to figure things out for myself, and I refuse to follow directives that are illogical, impractical or dangerous. I never did it for a job and I will absolutely not do it for a mate.
I remember once at a job in administration there was a very idiotic way of inputting orders. Once I was sufficiently familiar with how everything worked I did things in my own manner. I was reprimanded harshly for it and threatened to be fired. No matter, I kept doing it my way. Then one day it saved my bosses ass and from that point forward we all did it my way.
That in a nutshell is me. I will try to find the best way to do things, once I’ve really studied the situation and feel I understand it enough to do so. I try to find the most logical way. And I am more than willing to retool things over and over if I have to. Because ultimately I just like things to run smoothly. And I attribute this not so much to my intelligence but really to my laziness.
I hate having to expend unnecessary energy. I like to do something and move on. And if something is done efficiently the first time, then I don’t have to worry about it anymore. Right? I don’t know. It just makes sense to me. But people are much more difficult and dynamic than businesses. Aren’t they?
So….. yea. Trying to figure this all out for myself. Little steps forward, no matter how slow, no matter how arduous, to find my beloved.
A whisper of a dream I hope to come true.