Honoring who I am

I was talking to a wonderful fellow blogger. Exchanging messages in the comments of my last post. Talking about sex and female/male strategies to getting it. And I said I had to honor who I am and not who I wish I was.

And it stuck in my head.


Seems so basic and obvious and yet how often do we not do this? How often do I not do this?

My last relationship was a stark lesson in that for me.

I am not submissive. I can be sexually, but even then I want veto power and ultimate say. And in the relationship dynamic itself, apart from sex I absolutely do not want to be submissive. It isn’t me, not in the least and I have to honor that.

I have a hard time making even people in the kink community understand my real need for dominance. It isn’t a game just for fun sexual kicks. But I thought of an easy way to make people grasp my needs and desire.

Say for example I was in a relationship with a woman. Then one would understandably expect one of us to be more feminine and submissive and the other one of our gay coupling to be dominant and “masculine”. Right? That seems easy to grasp.

But now in that same scenario picture me the dominant, not so much masculine because I’m not really. Still easy to understand. As the dominant I am the one that sets the tone and makes a lot of the final decisions, the one that directs the structure and foundation of the relationship and accepts the responsibility of that weight.

But now put me back into a relationship with a man. And I am the dominant and he is the submissive. He is the one that takes the supportive and more docile role.

And there are men like that. Men that truly enjoy and thrive in this role. Obviously, not most men. An unfortunate issue in our “men must be men” societal structure. Because I think a lot more men would be happier in submissive roles than they let on.

One has to remember a lot goes into being dominant and to do it well is a lot of added stress, pressure and responsibility. Which is why some men are absolutely crappy at it. I think a lot of men actually hate that role and just refuse to admit it so they half ass their way through most relationships. Not even trying to be what they’re expected to be.

I have naturally gravitated into most of my leadership roles in life. Simply because I refuse to let incompetent people lead when possible. And inadvertently I rise. Maybe because I’ve always tried to be logical, expedient and fair and lead by my own example. People seem to appreciate that and I have the strength of character to take on that responsibility and weight and actually enjoy doing so.

So taking that into the realm of my relationships is also natural. And consequently every single one of my relationships has had very strong elements of a FLR (female led relationship).

So I need to honor that, honor myself.

I am who I am.

Do I wish I was thinner and rich? God yes!

But then what?

My life would probably also be much easier if I was male and white too. I think I’d enjoy having my own real penis.

Do I wish I was or had the ability or desire to be truly submissive?

No, I really don’t.

I could and can change a plethora of things about myself. But why should I?

I guess I get to make that ultimate decision.

But why can’t I be happy just letting myself be myself?

I truly want to appreciate my own journey and honor who that is, who I am.

Exactly where I am; in all my messy glory.


And happy.

Because I genuinely feel most people don’t and that is a very severe travesty in this world.


Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

29 thoughts on “Honoring who I am”

  1. “My life would probably also be much easier if I was male and white too. I think I’d enjoy having my own real penis.”

    I had to laugh over this one because I can tell you that your life wouldn’t be all that easier if you had a penis… because now you’d be in the role of convincing others to allow you to use it on them.

    Two things about this: If you lack confidence and not being invested in being true to yourself, you are hosed beyond belief. Getting laid falls into two categories: Because love requires it and because biology insists upon it. We get hit with a lot of the reason about when to have sex, why to have it, who to have it with; we wind up with an incomplete picture of it that doesn’t really prepare us to actually do it and most are totally disillusioned that first time while concurrent experiences don’t usually serve to make having sex the very glorious thing it’s supposed to be.

    Along the way, we learn what, well, gets us off; what makes us feel good about having sex both emotionally and physically and once we establish that and confirm that while other forms of sex is nice and all that, nothing floats our boat more or better than the “one way” our prior experiences and long moments of introverted thinking says we need. The first category is conditional; IF the other person meets the established and preferred conditions, THEN have sex with them; ELSE, masturbate or do nothing.

    The second category is one’s body demanding that sex takes place because if you don’t, some stuff is going to get messed up or, IF you need the release, THEN make it happen; ELSE you’re going to have problems and some that won’t be immediately obvious.

    The big problem many of us face is how to get laid either way while being true to ourselves and not violating the conditions set for the first category since it’s very bad juju to be known as a slut or, if male, a dog. We believe that if sex doesn’t happen under the conditions of the first category, it has zero meaning; it lacks real substance and, as such, it cannot be as satisfying and is a waste of time, effort and energy. So we tend to keep chasing the conditions of the first category, preferring them over the second except those conditions can be so very detailed and specific that it’s not all that easy to find someone who can not only meet them but meet them with a high degree of consistency and even then we tend to keep believing in the fairy tale that those conditions will always be met and without fail… but not really considering that no one is that consistent and people are always subject to change.

    You realize that above all else, you must remain true to yourself in any of this; you want what you want and in the way you want it and anything less than that is settling which becomes a big problem when the second category – the biological need to have sex – gets set aside; that part is telling you to put away the toys and get laid and by any means necessary, fair or foul… while the other part keeps insisting that the first category must be upheld at all costs and without exception.

    For you, it’s not “really” a thing of being dominant or submissive; it’s you being true to yourself but it’s really an “excuse” not to do what your body is telling you to do and “make” you go out and jump someone’s bones because you need to do it (or else). I’m not saying that staying true to yourself and upholding the conditions of the first category is a bad or wrong thing – you gotta do what you gotta do and in the best way you can; I just kinda suggest not totally dismissing the second category because, if nothing else, it satisfies the need while you’re trying to find someone who can adequately fulfill the conditions of the first category.

    You know you can invoke and implement the second category and at any time you want to… but, ooh, damn, there’s the mandate of the first category to be taken into consideration and the part that demands that you remain true to yourself. If you were male and had a penis, I can tell you that it’s not as much fun as it appears to be because we run into a great many women who are more of a mind to put the first category well before the second one and that is usually problematic for us because a woman’s first category conditions – and the other things that require our attention on a day to day basis, makes it very damned difficult to be as unfailingly consistent as those first category conditions insist we must be and that becomes a problem for everyone involved and especially the woman who, in being true to herself, isn’t going to settle for anything that looks like the second category.

    The psychology behind this is fascinating as anything I’ve ever had reason to pay attention . At the end of any day, PG, you gotta do what’s best for you; I’m just the guy who will point out that there’s the way things are supposed to be – and then there’s the way things can be, you know, if you wanted them to be like that. The thing that has historically pissed women off about men is our ability to easily set aside our own first category conditions and in favor of the second category’s biological imperatives which are well and truly hard-coded into us. I’d prefer things to work under my first category stuff… not ever going to ignore or set aside the second category stuff because I am, if nothing else, true to myself and that part of me that says you know you need to get laid so just get it done… or else… and I know what “or else” is and I know it’s not fun and I’m not talking about suffering with a horrendously painful case of blue balls.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Fun. Funny. True.

      I absolutely do need sex or the human touch and I’m more than willing to settle for “more than adequate” even if it doesn’t check off any of the first category boxes.

      As far as being labeled a slut. That’s been true my whole single life, because I’ve always enjoyed my sexuality tremendously and don’t really care how anyone feels about it.

      But at the same time I don’t just put out to put out. It has to be fun too and I have to want it.

      Last night I almost met up with a cross dresser at a sex shop to have him try on outfits and maybe play around a little. He got spooked.

      Have you found that helping someone really dive into their own sexual fantasies. Not just giving then permission but actually really enjoying it with them and propelling them to enjoy it. Showing them not just full acceptance but the level of enjoyment as close to their own about it …….freaks people out.

      They are so not used to that. Theta re used to being ashamed and hiding their desires.

      I’m sure you can probably relate.

      The thing is that I love SOOO many aspects of sex and I love playing and role playing and just having fun and sex to me in almost all aspects is just plain fun. So I can hop on people’s bandwagons pretty easy, especially just for a night. Lol


      1. I’ve seen people get really weird when you’re willing to help them indulge in their fantasies and desires. For many, it’s a… self-indulgence and even part of their first category stuff and while it’s quite okay to indulge one’s self in their privately created fantasies, some don’t ever think about the fact that there’s someone out there who not only wants to make it real for them, they wanna fully participate in it.

        Oh, shit! We continue to carry so much shame about how we really like to have our cookies crumbled, don’t we? With bi guys, I see this a lot; it’s one thing to let your mind run off somewhere thinking about how hot and erotic it would be to give a guy a blow job… until some guy asks you if you’re interested in blowing him; now the shit has gotten too real for sensibilities and, yep – such guys get very weird about it and will run for the hills as fast as they can get there.

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Depends on what you mean by privilege, work, and responsibility. As a human being, I have a responsibility to take care of my sexual needs and not really depend on someone “always” being willing to take care of that for me and, with the way my mind works about sex, I want to make it easier to have sex rather than to make it harder for myself… but it’s still a lot of work to be done because it’s not so much about what I’m willing to do to get laid as it is trying to convince someone that I can meet their first category conditions and that they’re not making a mistake of some kind by allowing me access to their body.

        There’s that responsibility to make the sex as good to them as humanly possible… but what I know is that between prior experiences and those first category mandates, eh, that’s not always going to be a given since a lot of people have a pre-determine expectation and one that they’re often not of a mind to give the details to.

        A guy wanting to screw you is almost always immediately suspicious – why does he want to screw you? Just because you’re female or does he have some first category stuff that he thinks you meet the requirements and conditions? Nothing drives a guy more insane to hear a woman talk about how much she loves to have sex… and followed by under what exacting conditions that has to be conformed to… and nothing drives some women more insane than to run into a guy who only wants to screw her and nothing more than that.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Ahhhh. Maybe that’s true but it’s all about perspective, graciousness and gratitude to me.

          And I don’t take all the melodrama people shove around too seriously. We all have our exceptions to every rile we set forth. I’m all for fun. That I have parameters. Well. We all should. And I have to navigate men’s parameters almost as much as they have to navigate mine because by the time men get to my age it isn’t all about just a warm hole anymore. They have their own conditions and predispositions and category one needs. Trust me!!


          1. You grasp the main issue at hand in this: Perspective. What you think. What you feel about things. What you want and a level of uncertainty that other than just taking you to bed can they satisfy the first category things that are a must – and a part – of you being true to yourself. Men aren’t really that easy and we tend to be highly suspicious of a woman who could, if she wanted to, just walk up to us and say, “Come on – let’s go somewhere so we can fuck!” And, yes – I’ve had women do that and it’s made me suspicious because women don’t normally behave like that. I have my own first category stuff but I also know that I’m not a slave to them; they’re nice, right, and proper… but not always a hard necessity since in being true to myself, I still have that responsibility to not make having sex harder than it has to be.

            Proper etiquette says that I must be gracious and appreciative and grateful if you choose to share your body with me for either category and this is part of me being true to myself because I know that you could have said no so not being gracious and grateful is pretty fucked up as far as I’m concerned.

            Here’s the thing about having parameters/preferences: We go about sex as if they are locked in the densest, most impenetrable material known to man… and they don’t have to be. At best, they are guidelines (for lack of a better word) and to stick so tightly to them is a sign of how inflexible we are about such things: My way or no way at all; it’s all about what we want and specifically so… but not so much about what we can do if we didn’t keep those parameters and preferences forever on lockdown. There are things I will not do for any reason… but everything else is negotiable. I have no fears or inhibitions and I’ll try anything once and just for the thrill of experiencing it since I’m very well aware of the fact that life is really too damned short not to experience things. As long as it doesn’t present a clear and present danger, okay – what do you wanna do and what’s the best way to get it done? Me? I’m stupidly easy… because that’s me being true to myself. If it’s just a one-time thing, I’m good with that because the need has been taken care of and I didn’t have to lose sight or set aside my first category stuff… and simply because I can and it can be done and as such, uh, why the hell not?

            If I firmly stuck to my first category stuff first and foremost, I would NEVER get laid because I know better than anyone how practically impossible it is to find anyone who could consistently meet those requirements… so I don’t stick to them like that; I allow for people to be… human and it’s not even about failing or the other things we tend to fear and avoid so much.

            Let’s get together and see what we can do for each other and then do our best to do the best we can for each other and if we liked what we came up with, so much the better but if all that was accomplished was that needs were taken care of, that works, too.

            Most guys don’t think about sex like I do nor do they go about it like I do and in being true to myself. And that’s just me; I’m stupidly easy about it and whatever you wanna do is fine with me as long as it doesn’t cross into those places I will never go to for anyone and for any reason… and being true to myself means not having that line too close for comfort because having it that close means I don’t get laid – ever.

            That doesn’t work for me and I learned the hard way that my balls don’t like it either… and I definitely do not like what it does to my mental state and overall health.

            Liked by 1 person

          2. Very well said….as per usual.

            I agree. I’m pretty easy and I love to have fun and get laid. For myself I try to find one consistent partner. It works better for me. But that person can easily fall into category one or the let’s just fuck and have fun category. And I’ll also try almost anything once.

            We are unique to our breeds I think. Lol. Which makes me even more happy we connected in life.


          3. And the key word for many people is β€œconsistent…” which can be a bit of an unrealistic expectation since no one is that consistent – we ll,h e good and bad days no matter how much we strive to be consistent. And is one really enough?


          4. That’s a question one can only answer for themselves. When I’m in a relationship, category one, I put in a lot of emotional work and I don’t know that I have enough for two people. And I’m unsure that would be fair to a third party. But I never say never to hardly anything. Maybe one day I’ll get to find that one out for myself, having the opportunity to do so.

            Most men are very possessive of me and especially of me sharing myself sexually. Not that I’ve pushed that. But except for my last relationship I was not only expected to be monogamous I was routinely put on the stake about it. As if the fact that I am very sexual and flirtatious automatically made me suspect to infidelity. Which is absolutely doesn’t.

            In that respect the last relationship was a breath of fresh air because he encouraged me to sleep with whoever else I wanted. That seems very hard to come by with most of the male population. Especially if one doesn’t reciprocate said feelings of generosity. Lol


          5. And I can readily admit I was a huge hypocrit because I did take advantage of said liberties and he was never given the green light to do so. But he never stipulated he needed or wanted that. Which suited me perfectly. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚


  2. it is only when we are true to ourselves , our nature that we can be happy. too many times we try to live up to societal ideals of who we should be ie a man’s man. strong dominant. i would argue that to be strong is to follow your heart , your nature. i am very submissive it is who i am. but i am also a Father and gramdfather. i lead the family gently.
    be who you are
    Peace N Love

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes. I respond much better to gentle guidance and support. I need to be shown through love and tenderness my own way to get to where I need to go and not just told what to do or how to do it unless I specifically ask. Which honestly I rarely do, but I sometimes will.

      Taking responsibility is not easy. And sometimes, no matter how good one is at it, sometimes one falters and fails and in this moments I need support the most.

      Frankly I think the supporting role is probably the more vital role. Because almost anyone can lead (albeit not necessarily well) but not anyone understands the subtlety of following, which requires it’s one very different kind of strength.

      Liked by 1 person

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