I was talking to a wonderful fellow blogger. Exchanging messages in the comments of my last post. Talking about sex and female/male strategies to getting it. And I said I had to honor who I am and not who I wish I was.
And it stuck in my head.
I HAVE TO HONOR WHO I AM AND NOT WHO I WISH I WAS
Seems so basic and obvious and yet how often do we not do this? How often do I not do this?
My last relationship was a stark lesson in that for me.
I am not submissive. I can be sexually, but even then I want veto power and ultimate say. And in the relationship dynamic itself, apart from sex I absolutely do not want to be submissive. It isn’t me, not in the least and I have to honor that.
I have a hard time making even people in the kink community understand my real need for dominance. It isn’t a game just for fun sexual kicks. But I thought of an easy way to make people grasp my needs and desire.
Say for example I was in a relationship with a woman. Then one would understandably expect one of us to be more feminine and submissive and the other one of our gay coupling to be dominant and “masculine”. Right? That seems easy to grasp.
But now in that same scenario picture me the dominant, not so much masculine because I’m not really. Still easy to understand. As the dominant I am the one that sets the tone and makes a lot of the final decisions, the one that directs the structure and foundation of the relationship and accepts the responsibility of that weight.
But now put me back into a relationship with a man. And I am the dominant and he is the submissive. He is the one that takes the supportive and more docile role.
And there are men like that. Men that truly enjoy and thrive in this role. Obviously, not most men. An unfortunate issue in our “men must be men” societal structure. Because I think a lot more men would be happier in submissive roles than they let on.
One has to remember a lot goes into being dominant and to do it well is a lot of added stress, pressure and responsibility. Which is why some men are absolutely crappy at it. I think a lot of men actually hate that role and just refuse to admit it so they half ass their way through most relationships. Not even trying to be what they’re expected to be.
I have naturally gravitated into most of my leadership roles in life. Simply because I refuse to let incompetent people lead when possible. And inadvertently I rise. Maybe because I’ve always tried to be logical, expedient and fair and lead by my own example. People seem to appreciate that and I have the strength of character to take on that responsibility and weight and actually enjoy doing so.
So taking that into the realm of my relationships is also natural. And consequently every single one of my relationships has had very strong elements of a FLR (female led relationship).
So I need to honor that, honor myself.
I am who I am.
Do I wish I was thinner and rich? God yes!
But then what?
My life would probably also be much easier if I was male and white too. I think I’d enjoy having my own real penis.
Do I wish I was or had the ability or desire to be truly submissive?
No, I really don’t.
I could and can change a plethora of things about myself. But why should I?
I guess I get to make that ultimate decision.
But why can’t I be happy just letting myself be myself?
I truly want to appreciate my own journey and honor who that is, who I am.
Exactly where I am; in all my messy glory.
Because I genuinely feel most people don’t and that is a very severe travesty in this world.