I spend a good part of the day in my head; daydreaming.
Yesterday I was wondering where in the world I could go to live off a barter system. Probably has to be somewhere super rural to be able to pull that off. I like rural. I just don’t like small-minded and good old boys mentality.
But if I open up my roster to any place in the world willing to accept Americans that opens up the playing field quite a bit. I was even thinking maybe American base adjacent, since we have soooo many bases all over the world.
Although I also really like college towns. College towns tend to have a life energy all their own: youthful, hopeful, usually liberal and lots of fun.
I want to keep my house but also I don’t want to drag all my eggs into this rickety basket. If it isn’t meant to be…fine.
My mother wants us to go back to California to be near her. Maybe she’s feeling more sentimental in her older age. She used to live a mile from me when I had my first child and never visited. So…..I can’t imagine life being very different if she lived closer. But I was married then so who knows.
California is super expensive though. That’s part of the reason we left in the first place. And she isn’t offering anything, no help whatsoever. So I think this is more of a control issue than any goodwill on her part.
I also think I need to stop calling her so often. I’ve been calling her 2-3 days a week lately. I notice how she always seems to perk up and feel better when I call and even for a few days after. But she rattles my self esteem. She only ever complains about me: my looks, my parenting style, my choices, on and on.
I literally can’t remember the last time she complimented me or even simply didn’t say anything mean. I love her but talking to her it isn’t really helping me. And being nice to her at the cost of my own welfare is idiocy.
Then I have my teenager driving me up the wall. I didn’t raise her to be a selfish, entitled brat but that’s where we are. She is nice to me when she wants something. Otherwise I barely seem to exist. And the rules we have in place seem to give her endless joy mocking them.
I caught her lying to me again about where she was. I give her so much leniency that I’m actually starting to believe she just enjoys pissing me off. Is it a control issue like my mother where they know they have the power to influence my emotions and enjoy bringing me down? At this point I’m starting to believe that may be so.
With my mother I know it’s jealousy and pain about her life being so unfulfilling. With my daughter I would hardly think there would be any jealousy on her part but who knows. She doesn’t have a good sense of self awareness and trying to pry even basic information from her is a pretty useless endeavor.
I just have to muscle through this in a way that doesn’t push her away too much but also doesn’t lend me to being her emotional doormat. My mother kicked me out, very unceremoniously, at 17 and I resented her for it for a long time. And I really don’t want to pass that tradition on. But also……. I’m not going to be made to feel shitty in my own house for having reasonable expectations.
If she doesn’t like the few rules I’ve set for her and the few chores she does….. there’s the front door. The attitude from her I’ve gotten used to but the outright disregard for what I say is starting to brew over.
And with her dead-set on leaving for college next year I really would like to spend quality time together. But…. not at the cost of my own sanity.
I don’t want to push her away and she end up God knows where doing God knows what. But if she isn’t forthright with me now….. do I even really know what she’s really doing?
If anyone had told me how very hard raising children would be, how I would be a single mom swimming upstream just trying to keep my head above water and provide for the basic necessities in life, and how I would screw up their lives in ways I couldn’t even begin to see coming…..I would have opted out.
Granted I am not sure I would be here now where it not for the purpose, drive, happiness and love they give me. But all the same…..given that knowledge beforehand I would have chosen to be barren.
But….no use thinking about that. Is there?
Pressing ahead. Not a lot of time to daydream today. Gotta try to enjoy even the hard parts. Right?