I like to be flexible in life. If something fizzles I move on. My pining away days are done. It’s absolutely useless to try to recapture the past.
For the last few years I have clung so hard to the thought of settling down here; of having stability with my home, my business, my children. And I’m coming to terms with the stark possibility that it simply wasn’t meant to be.
That means that within 9 months or so I need to come up with a viable exit plan. And I’m going to give myself carte blanche to move anywhere in the world I can subsist without having to work 40+ hours at multiple endeavors; somewhere tranquil, close to nature, safe, English speaking. I’m going to open myself up to the possibilities.
I won’t know for a few months if my chances here are completely dead and buried. So I won’t start to dream just yet. But I’m not going to see this as a bad thing. I suppose in a way I’m choosing mind over matter, but it’s more a locus of control over the little I can control; my thoughts and emotions. No use making myself miserable over this. I really did try my absolute best here.
Could I have done a few things different, better maybe? Absolutely. Will I in a few years have perfect hindsight and understand my failures more clearly? I’m sure. Will I bemoan myself about it? No; at least not now.
I’m not in the mood to be anything but nice to myself right now. I’ve got enough on my plate. The world is going crazy and I’m just trying to hang on and enjoy whatever I still can on this ride.