I have always known myself as an introvert. But that is not to say I can’t or don’t want to be social, because I can and I do.
It just makes me feel better to tell myself that I don’t always have to participate. It takes a lot of pressure off to know that I can just be an observer in this life. And then inevitably necessities or my own desires tell me when is a good time to jump in and do something.
But this gives me permission to relax. This gives me permission to not react to things out of sheer force of habit or supposed expectations. I can sit with it. I can sit with life a bit and figure out what I want to do, say, feel, share for myself.
The only unfortunate thing is sometimes it takes me a while to process and make a decision. So sometimes things pass me by because I didn’t decide in time or I didn’t see an option and things got decided for me.
I’ve learned to live with these consequences because the majority of the time it benefits me to stay quiet and watch, try to understand everything first, clarify things for myself before I jump into something.
But then sometimes it makes me feel like I’m not a participant in my own life; as if I leave too much to fate. I wonder why I can’t be one of those people that grab life by the horns and says “bend to my will”.
Maybe it’s time I turn the script. Make life my bitch, take full control, chart the course and go balls to the wall, full throttle straight for what I want.
What do I want?
Do I even know?
I feel I can’t do anything right now with my housing situation looming over my head.
But that doesn’t mean I can’t decide who I want to be.
Do I want to be an interpreter?
Build up the consignment business?
Do I want to go back into colon hydrotherapy?
Do I want to be a spiritual counselor?
Do I want to be a dominatrix? (Not necessarily professionally, more on a personal level)
Like I get that right now I’m in a holding pattern just going day by day, but I could and should be asking myself where I want to be so I can know what to focus my limited time and energy on. Makes sense right?
Then I suppose as life comes at me I redirect as needed, but it’s good for me to choose for myself what I really, truly want to do.
Food for thought.
I feel like Alice in Wonderland in so many ways, but to quote her “I give myself very good advice, but very seldom follow it.”😐