but not necessarily hard either.
Yesterday’s tasks. I managed to do about half, even more if you add all the minutes I started and didn’t complete some. Lol. An attempt was made; a certifiably good attempt, success was achieved and it wasn’t really difficult. It took being mindful and reminding myself why I was doing it a few times, but that’s to be expected.
Then I realized last night as I attempted and failed to fall asleep until 2am, while praying and meditating and let my mind wander that I haven’t fully committed to my life, spiritually.
I was wondering to myself, if I could have absolutely any life I wanted, any reality at all but I would have to give up all my spiritual awareness, all the lessons I’ve learned, my understanding of Divinity, heaven, hell, our souls and the deep connection to everything and everyone; if it meant reverting to a material, ego driven, or just oblivious spirituality would I opt for it and what kind of life could and would justify giving that all up.
The answer after much envisioning was no. I would rather suffer the injuries this life has thrown at me then give up my spirituality for things that are of no real consequence. How much money I can have, how much security, comfort and stability, how many possessions, how much adulation, how many accolades, unending power, world wide prestige, all of it is useless without the priceless force of compassion, acceptance, understanding and benevolence that the spirit seeks and helps grasp.
I feel I’m at a crossroad where I can finally decide to commit to the life I’ve sought for so long, unencumbered by penis desire and envy, unbothered by societal pressure and having only myself to decide one way or the other.
I feel like I’ve been on this quest so long I have taken it for granted almost. Like I know it will always be there for me, but where is my commitment to it. It’s like having a long term partner that keeps hinting at marriage but I know they will be there, so nothing really changes. Because I know it is always there.
It’s time I somehow symbolically, in some material way committed to my spiritual life once and for all. I mean not so much a baptism as a bond, a marriage, a beyond this life affirmation of my devotion to spirit.
Gotta ponder this more, but I like where it’s going.
It was an interesting experiment with my own dreams and desires. One in which I learned that I won’t even exchange my children’s stability for my spirituality. This gave me quite the concern for a moment last night until I realized I was not wrong. If I can not give my children an understanding and example of a spiritually driven life then what use have I been to them? They will not understand the reality of the world as I see it, but be led by superficial materialism and base, ego driven instincts.
And that’s simply not what I want for anyone, let alone my own children. And it’s not what I have to offer the world. It’s not how I see and understand this “reality”.
It was a very interesting night indeed. Leaving a lot of food for thought going forward. A lot to be thankful for. And something to plan, what that is I have no clue yet. But I’m sure it will be mystical, magical fun.
The sun is out. Gonna go sit it in for a bit.
Enjoy yourself ❣️