is going to bed. Lol
Not that I’m depressed or sleeping a lot. I’d be surprised if I even got 7 hours last night between the dog wanting to go out, the teenager coming home late, the cats fighting, on and on.
I usually take a small dose of THC right before I lay down. Sometimes, if I’m in pain a higher dose. Sometimes if I’m really quite tired no dose at all.
I enjoy doing my nightly meditation/prayer in a slightly altered state, much more. I can incorporate more of my senses into it and it just feels more intense. Plus I seem to gain more insight.
Last night I was struggling a bit with how to be at peace within myself when so much around me seems chaotic. And then too how to find and offer compassion to everyone in the world; even the seemingly annoying or undeserving.
This all started because I was thinking how I don’t particularly enjoy driving around on errands. Especially not when I am in any sort of time constraint. It makes me feel very stressed out and then I tend to lose my patience.
And this shouldn’t be so. I don’t want it to be so. So I need to 1) allot as much extra time as I can spare for errands 2) figure out a way to be more patient and kind with people needing and wanting to navigate the same world, time and space as me.
So yes, the first one not super hard, theoretically. Find more time when I can. The second one, is all nice and well but how? How?
It used to be that I tried to pretend the people driving around me (typically annoying me) where family members I loved; my father driving too slow, my grandmother pumping the brakes for no reason, my young cousin tailgating me. And that used to help a lot.
But in feeling a bit disconnected from people and the world in general, right now, it is much harder to think that way. Frankly lately, so many things get on my nerves. And I’m already practicing as much self soothing and self care as I can. So then what?
There is something I revere so highly, so strongly, that in no circumstances can I disparage or belittle it; and that’s God/Divinity. So the aha moment clicked last night.
What if I just focus on being kind to the spirit of God within everyone? Now that doesn’t mean I have to enjoy people’s rude behavior or put up with idiots. It is my choice and right to distance myself as much as I can from negativity.
But sometimes it isn’t a choice and then I must work hard to see the spirit of Divine Love within them. That’s it. And here is the best part of that. There is no deception there. There is no having to pretend I know them or any other false narrative. Nope.
Because I do firmly believe we all have a soul that connects us together. So I just have to focus on that. Focus on the invisible tie that binds us and imagine myself interacting with that spirit directly.
This will probably take a lot of practice and a lot of trial and error, but this is the way I want to try and go.
All paths do not lead to the same place. I’m trying to find my own path inwards to peace and happiness.
Along that same vein I worked out a good way to let myself feel good before slumber. I laid in bed closed my eyes and started with these statements.
I will be ok
I am ok
I feel good
I feel great
And for each one I would make sure I really genuinely felt that feeling before moving up to the next statement. And when I reached “I feel great”, I did feel great and for no reason whatsoever. I didn’t force myself to have any reason at all. I simply let myself feel what it feels like to feel great. I sat in it. I breathed it in. I let it engulf me completely and it was wonderful.
I’m going to add that one to my nightly routine. I think it’s a good one.
This on top of my standard ho’oponopono type prayer I say every night of running through scenarios from the day where something faltered and asking for forgiveness, extending forgiveness or just sitting with it and letting it be.
There is so much happening in the background of life while living. It’s all so truly amazing. The things we take for granted, alone, are really mesmerizing.
I’m fumbling through this life, trying to find the good in myself, the world and others and I’m happy and humbled by how much there truly is.