I can tell because I just cursed a company to failure and all its employees with it.
I, personally, never took a job at a company that was unscrupulous, dubious, or simply not conscientious. One time, when I found out a company I worked for was potentially (unverified) selling chemicals to India illegally, I purposely got myself fired.
So anyone complicit in a company that has no concern for its customers (or the environment) and only cares about its own profits are subject to the karma that company deserves.
The probability is high that any such companies don’t care much for their employees either, and probably try to screw them over as well; since they are simply seen as overhead.
I really have to charge myself down. I don’t want to get bitter. Just because businesses and the world at large seem to function in a very inhumane way doesn’t mean I have to let it make me cynical and angry.
I’m in charge of me and that’s really it. As much as I try to be in charge of my own kids even, they have their own personalities and drives and I can only do so much.
I’m going to do the liver flush today. It will help. The liver holds a lot of the emotions of anger. So a purge will help me settle down some.
Although truthfully, I really wish my liver was well enough to let myself get really drunk instead. But it isn’t and that’s both my blessing and my curse.
And then too, my vibrator broke.
So this is me still on a downward swing. I’m so done battling my own life. I’m not gonna lay down and resign. But I’m done working so hard to try to succeed here. It doesn’t seem meant to be.
I’ll keep envisioning a place I belong. A place of serenity, where life flows smoothly, where people are mostly kind, where I have a purpose, where I have a place, where I am wanted and needed. A place where I am loved and cared for and I can love and care for my fellow human beings as well; a place of true kindred community.
I am going to stop investing my energy on staying here and plan on leaving in the summer, once the kid graduates. That seems to be what needs to happen.
No idea where we will go. Can’t think that far ahead right now.
But I also need to stay grounded and just focus on the now, on today, on this moment.
Forget the past. Wipe it all away. Forgive and be grateful I’m still here, alive, unto myself. Be thankful for those that have taught me, helped me, loved me, showed concern.
There is a huge world outside my little hamlet. I’ve done all I can here. It’s been a treacherous uphill climb the entire time and I’m so tired I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep living such a hard life.
Somewhere, somehow, I will get to where I need to be; a place of symbiosis.
I’m not exactly looking for constant comfort in life. And I’m not lazy. I’m not trying to be stubborn and ungrateful. It’s not that I need things to go my way constantly. I don’t.
But I’m giving up on this dream. The dream of finding stability for myself and my children here. It isn’t happening and that’s ok. This giant world has to have a place for me. Just like I just need one person to love, I just need one place to live. And I’m not settling for constant hardship. I’m just not.
How much work is too much work? How hard is too hard? I don’t know. I’m not going to drive myself into the ground trying to find out. Fuck it!
Divinity, I’m passing you the baton. I give it to you completely. You can handle it. I’ll be here, if you need my input or help. Just let me know. But you got this. You lead. I am, as always, just a servant to your will. I have faith in you❣️
Hopefully you’ll steer us to where we truly belong. I’m taking a break. You know where to find me.