So I was going to rake up and shovel mounds of gravel from a neighbor giving some away to lay down my driveway. As the rocks that are there have washed away a lot over the last 4 years and it’s getting a bit muddy.
But that’s 3+ hours of hard labor I’m not into today. So I cancelled. This was the exchange we ended on. (I’m in green.)
But she responded by apologizing and agreeing with me. It ended up being a better exchange than if she had just rolled her eyes and not said anything because I felt heard and understood. But what started out bad ended up even better. Where I felt we met at a place of grace.
Wish we could do the same thing as a country now. We shall see. All the gloating the democrats and Trump haters are pushing out may make it harder though. But I get it. I do. Except bad winners are no better than bad losers. And tit for tat never resolves anything.
Today I have a 3 hour project in the garage to organize my work space, get more stuff into storage so I can start to get my clients stuff listed as well as my own that I’ve procrastinated on.
I have a ton of lingerie and sexpot shoes I’m going to get rid off too. Now is definitely the time. With people in quarantine mode and nothing better to do those lucky enough to have a sex life and disposable money are looking to buy.
I will either create a new ebay account or list on poshmark. Haven’t decided. Poshmark is easier and faster, but their fees are higher.
I have the kids committed to help me with my project today so that’s a good thing. I think they can sense how stressed I’ve been lately. So I didn’t get a lot of pushback.
My suicidal child is failing all her online classes and I don’t have it in me to enforce her to do more than attend her zoom classes. She’s so smart that I know she will catch up once the black fog clears from her mind.
We are going to go off pharmaceuticals soon and try some other therapies. The doctor wants us to try magnetic resonance first. It’s covered by her insurance so that’s good. After that we may try Ketamine or Psilocybin, which was just passed in the legislature. I don’t know if it will be covered. I’m guessing not.
Ketamine isn’t and it’s very, very expensive but worth it. I’ll spend every dime I have to keep her alive but more importantly with real wellbeing and to have her back. I feel like she’s been missing; like her real self has been squelched by this constant melancholy.
Well….. it’s not going to rain today or tomorrow. But it is getting dark early. I think I’ll do a liver flush tomorrow. I have all the ingredients and the time and I think it will be really helpful.
I also have to go to storage today or tomorrow. Which is (unfortunately) right next to Brad’s place. It will take a lot of willpower not to stop in for a quick lay. Fortunately my ego should kick in and help me not to be weak and concede defeat by sheer force of entitlement.
I am entitled to have my needs met. I am entitled to be loved genuinely, fiercely, honestly and with my well-being, needs and desires cared for. And if I go to him I’ll be settling for much less than I want, need and deserve. Not to mention other unhealthy aspects of it. Just gotta keep telling myself that. Here is where the ego comes in handy. Lol
I should be willing to die on this hill. And no one has to believe any of this but me. I have to believe it. I have to live it. I have to enforce it. Tall ask when I’m feeling so emotionally battered. Maybe I should take one of my kids as a deterrent. That would be more fun too. See if I can get one to go. May have to bribe them with In and Out at the least. Lol. Worth it.