So when I can’t remember what I did or said exactly I just think “what would I have done?” and it’s usually right. But sometimes people remind me of behavior I did and I just have to laugh at my absurdities.
It’s like I can have this great speech planned in my head and more than not I’ll veer clear off it entirely. I may behave spur of the moment but what I am never (or rarely ever) is duplicitous. So I may not be dependable exactly in a sense or be who people expect of me, because I am always trying to just be my authentic self in whatever that moment feels like.
But what this means is that inevitably I end up disappointing many people; many, many people. And I wish I could be more and do more. I wish I had more time, more energy, more of my own resources to share, more care, more gratitude, just more everything.
Playlist of the mood I’m in. I may cry. Long bath. Clean sheets. Lots of pot. Definitely a vibrator at some point.
There are just too many games at play in this life and in this world and it really gets exhausting to me sometimes.