I’m fat in a world that worships thinness
I’m dark colored in a country that treats me unequal because of it
I’m a single mom with no degree, a stalled career, no family to help, no one to help shoulder my burden and distress.
No one that is here for me, like here here
No one that seems to understand and care
I’m angry that I have to deal with that man as the father of my children
I hate that I’ve been attracted to pedophiles all my life and never knew it until these last few years
Am I still? Can a thing like that be cured? What does that make me exactly? I have kids. Jeezus
For fucks sake!!!
The future is so uncertain I’ve completely stopped even trying to guess how it will look, next month, next year. Who the fuck knows? Don’t talk to me about 5 year plans!
My life has been soooo God damn hard. Always.
Never. Not in childhood. Not in infancy. Definitely not as a teenager. Not pregnant about to marry a man I knew I didn’t truly love. Not trying to figure out parenting alone, with only books as my guide. Not divorced and alone. Never has it ever seemed easy.
And I’m thinking that I probably can’t even contemplate marriage again. Although statistically it’s probably improbable anyways.
And what do I care? I mean really. Do I even care?
I am going to let my hair go all grey. Forget about that box of contacts entirely.
I don’t like being unhealthy and I would like to start jogging. Plus I enjoy working out because of all it’s many serious benefits. But screw an ideal weight. Screw being skinny. I have Cuban hips. This ass doesn’t go flat. If anything it builds a shelf.
And you know what?
Fuck this place!
People are judgemental, hypocritical, whiney, spiteful, small-minded, greedy, violent, petty, cruel, disingenuous, covetous, selfish, vain, materialistic, lazy bastards with every negative “ist” thrown in for good measure. And that’s just the start.
We’ve polluted our world, our minds, our souls, our hearts and we pass it on generation to generation.
When a good friend of mine laughed at the people jumping out of the Twin Towers I was appalled. I understood her anger and the sentiment but I couldn’t condone her cruelty. But her excuse was that everyone is complicit in here and therefore no one is exempt.
Which reminds me of the handful of people I know who refuse to bring children into this world. And those that have said out loud and honestly that they wish they had never been born or wish they could just die.
I myself have said it and also wholeheartedly meant it when I said it too.
This place is shit.
Life is shit.
Suffering is all there seems to be.
It just piles on itself day and after day and we just hang on for the few great moments we can find.
And it’s shit. Plain old fucking shit. All of it.
And I’m not gonna cry. I’m not gonna laugh. I’m not going to make excuses for life. I’m not gonna sugar coat this bitch of a fight away today.
I’m fucking angry.
I’m given these gifts. Gifts we all have to some degree and in some specialty. Gifts I comprehend somewhat but I don’t know how to control.
Why is life ass backwards?
Why don’t we learn the thing that will truly help us in life.
Why aren’t these things part of our daily lives?
Food from God’s green earth directly, untainted by chemicals and modifications.
Learning about our bodies, our minds, our emotions, our urges, our psychic abilities, our humanity and God given virtues?
Why the fuck is this world so fucking cruel?
Why is life so God damn hard on so many fucking levels?
Spiritually being the most important I believe, even though it is the most brushed aside.
Mentally, physically, emotionally, worldly
surviving happily through any part of this madness is not possible if you’re paying any attention at all to the horrors we call every day life
Unless you narrow your bubble down to something so very puny and precise and have very good fortune on your side your shit out of luck.
So buckle up!
It’s a hell of a ride.
I’ve tried to get off.
But it’s a strange psychological phenomenon that people prefer to take on a negative outcome than have a situation be completely unknown.
Good for preventing suicide maybe. Bad for changing the world.
But what the hell do I know?
I only know I don’t know anything more than the musings I profess to feel. Problem is I’m bound to change my mind.
But who the fuck cares anyway?
Who the fuck cares?