It’s been on my mind since yesterday. What does it mean? Does it mean anything at all? What are the chances?
I was on the couch watching the Avengers. I had decided to watch all the Marvel movies in order. Some I’ve seen, some I don’t mind seeing again. Most I haven’t seen. The youngest tells me she hates “Marvel”. We don’t use that word. It’s kind of a no-no word. Hate is saved for extreme things as a calculated decision of true severity, not just thrown around. So I asked her to explain.
She said I was being consumed by the Marvel world. I laughed. I was indeed a bit of a couch potato yesterday, but we had already played rumikube, done school work and hung out and talked. Still…..she was obviously bored. So I turned off the TV and she brought out a deck of cards.
We played garbage. It’s a mindless game that I enjoy. It goes quick. It’s easy. And the complaining is generally minimal to none.
After a few rounds I decided we were going to play some psychic training games. I shuffled the deck laid 5 cards in front of her, one by one, and asked her to guess the color; red or black. She actually liked the game and she averaged about 3/5 right.
Then she did it on me. I was swift. I went with my first thought. I had answers before she even laid the cards down. I was having fun. Not trying to prove anything. I got all 5 wrong. Lol
I was a bit surprised. All 5 wrong had to be just as difficult as all 5 right. It intrigued me. And as we were talking more about it my middle child came to see what the fuss was all about.
We explained the game and what had just happened. She laughed and we got her to join us. She averaged about the same as her sister and then she did it to me. I did it exactly the same way; quickly without hesitation. This time I got all 5 right. Curiouser and curiouser.
So then we amped it up. I took out all the numbers 1-4. Then I asked them to guess which number. This was much harder and even I matched them at getting a few wrong. Interestingly we all seemed to have issues with the number 4 specifically. Maybe I should have only used 1-3 to start.
I like to think that in life we can get answers even from the most mundane occurences. We can see patterns. We can get new ideas. We can see new things. That our experiences are limited only by our own blinders.
I’m genuinely unsure what to make of our little game, but it was fun.
I have been calling my mother more consistently because she has been very sick recently. She prefers video chats so I oblige her. She never has anything nice to say. Yesterday she was telling me how bad I look. “It’s time to dye your hair.” “You’re letting yourself go.” on and on. I kept telling her I don’t really care. I don’t care to date anymore and I don’t care to change my appearance to please anyone else.
She didn’t seem to comprehend. She insists I’m still young enough to change my life around and set my future up to be better. This is in direct reference to her life and how horrible it is, of course.
Brad has been contacting me trying to get back into my world. I have not responded. My mother, of course, wants me to return to him. I believe she sees him as some sort of meal ticket. And her excuse is “well, it’s not like you won’t end up together again. You always fight.”
Yes but…. this time, not only did he break up with me, he said some vile and nasty things. Things that were completely unnecessary. I’m not sure how much he meant them. At the time he said them I believe he meant it all. Since then he has obviously retracted the sentiments. But the damage has been done.
It’s one thing for me to break up with him and quite another for him to go unhinged on me like that. I’m not into it. I don’t need the drama or negativity. I don’t need the headaches.
Maybe one day I’ll find someone that I can be in symbiosis with; where we both respect, encourage, nurture, love and appreciate each other and communicate well together. Why that seems like a tall ask is beyond me. But I’ll keep hope alive. I’m just not pursuing it actively anymore. Lol
And so it is.💋