This one is harder
Because it very much feels harder to forgive myself
I have these high standards in life
because I also have them for myself
And I beat myself up harder than anyone else ever could
Just on the inside
So you don’t see the bruises so easily
But they’re there
Black and blue, raised welts crisscross my entire body
A few spots bleed
I am the caretaker of these wounds
And the ones I inflict myself seem the deepest sometimes
And I flame them repeatedly
So to forgive myself is monumental
And seems genuinely difficult to do
Because I think to myself if I could go back and change things
There would be so much
Would I go chronologically?
Could I go by most detrimental outcome?
There is just so much regret
So much to feel sorry for and bad about
So much I didn’t even realize was all that bad
And so it goes for most everyone, maybe?
So it goes for me
Yet to forgive is indeed divine.
And I know that in order to let myself be completely myself I need to let sleeping dogs lie. I need to be able to bring the best of myself forward and trust in myself.
Will I make more mistakes? Well…..I can only hope I get the chance to. Not that I want to really, but it seems rather inevitable in life to do so. So why try to hide that fact?
Life passes in the flicker of an eye. But I truly believe in order to make it through this thing, with as much peace and genuine happiness as there is to be had, we need to start with forgiveness, extending it that is.
It’s a necessary thing.
I like to believe that people that are genuinely happy and at peace with themselves and life in general are then benevolent people by nature. And I like to think a world of benevolent people, who are happy and peaceful, would be a wonderful thing.
I’m trying to save the world. I really am but I’m starting with me. I think I’ve still got a long way to go. Lol. These are my ideals. I aspire to be more than I am and yet at the same time utterly, just myself. Perhaps a more vulnerable, caring, genuine version would be cool.