I have an irrational hatred of being lied to. I say irrational because it is inevitable. Lying seems second nature to some people and most everyone lies; whether it’s to themselves, habitually, selectively or occasionally.
Now if I include lies of omission those numbers crank up even higher. And I’m not even broaching little white lies.
Most all the travesties in my life began with lies; specifically lies and omissions by others.
I myself suffer from something I call Instant Karma. I do. I have my whole life. One of my daughters does as well. This means that there is no use lying because we get caught immediately. This means when we do something we know is cruel, unjust, unkind, unwarranted we suffer immediate repurcussions.
I credit this with teaching me at a very young age that lying doesn’t pay. But most people don’t suffer Instant Karma. Most people can’t connect the dots of life bitch slapping them around because much like dogs, unless you show them the consequences to something immediately or take them back to the scene of the crime they don’t understand why they are being punished and their behavior doesn’t change.
There really isn’t much I absolutely hate in life. Obviously on a global level I can’t stand cruelty, violence, injustice and greed, but on a personal level nothing makes me fly off the handle faster and with more fury than being lied to.
Most especially by those I love. The people I closely share my life with, that know me well. Those whom I treat with respect and have expectations of being treated in kind.
I should logically, for my own sanity, probably adjust my expectations. People lie. I should expect this. But I can’t and I won’t. I won’t indulge people with that permission. Nope; sorry. I won’t give anyone a pass, not even myself.
I was remembering the exact moments in time I fell in love with the men I’ve had love affairs with in my life.
One I was good friends with. I always denied we would or could be more, but then one day in drunken stupor we kissed, and at that moment I knew we were indeed much more.
Another told me a story. The humility and depth of emotion in his simple story was all it took. We had already been dialoguing via messaging service for a while. But this was my first real encounter with him and after his simple, eloquent, Gomer Pile story I was hooked.
All it took another one was a smile that melted right into my heart. We hadn’t even spoken a word until then. We lived in the same apartment building and passed each other without much fanfare. But one day as we crossed paths he smiled this smile that seemed to light up the whole world and I was drawn like a moth to a flame.
And lastly, we were enjoying some small talk. Just trying to get to know each other. I shared something simple about myself and he delved deeper and cut right to the heart of what I was saying. He was really listening and engaged and showed his intellect and warmth. I was all in, right on the spot, after that.
It’s just funny to me that I can pinpoint and remember all the details of when I started loving these men. I can put myself back there and feel all those same feelings; the butterflies, the heart pacing, the head swelling, the certainty.
I still consider myself a sapiosexual, but maybe this proves that one just never knows what it will be or who it will be until it becomes so.
I’m truly looking forward to my next love affair. Who knows though? I’m fine alone. And I’d much rather be alone than in bad company. Not that those are the only options fortunately. But, I’m in no rush. I just want to enjoy the next chapters of my life; however they come and whoever they come with. Lol