It’s really easy for me to fall into a loop. Where I do something I know I shouldn’t be doing. Then I feel guilty and chastise myself about it. Then I start to feel really bad about myself. Which then makes me sequester myself out of guilt and shame. Which then makes me more prone to do the thing or things I shouldn’t be doing.
Instead, I have to find the motivation to be proactive. Yes, I did this thing, which I know I shouldn’t be doing, which theoretically I don’t want to be doing. But I did it. And now I need to A) forgive myself and let myself move on and B) take steps that will help prevent me from engaging in this behavior moving forward.
The latter is much, much harder than the former. The former pretty much does itself. Where the latter is actively trying to break a cycle. And the former may have inroads deeper than a wagon wheel going for decades over the same path. Breaking destructive patterns is simply not easy; not for me, not for most people.
But it’s doable….and that is the hope I need right now. That’s what I need to concentrate on. That is has been done and it can be done. It’s just a matter of getting back up after a fall and being more and more proactive in the steps I take, in order to avoid falling again.
I have given up addictions before. It always takes a few false starts. So……. yea. I’ve got to bare with myself while I struggle and be my own best friend here. I’ve got to treat myself with respect, compassion and love through the transition out of this behavior pattern. Who else will give me that if I don’t give it to myself?
I contacted my psychologist to make an appointment. My face shield has been delayed a week, but it’s a gorgeous day, so I’m going to go for a walk with Jan. I contacted Jennifer and we are going for a mild hike Saturday. Now this still leaves me in a bind on my most difficult day: Sunday evening.
That’s the day I have the most anxiety. The day he takes the girls. But that’s also the day my face shield is supposed to arrive, so I’ll just make a plan on making my gym debut that night. Unfortunately the steam/sauna rooms and pool/jacuzzi are closed due to the pandemic. But it’s fine. I’ll make due.
Right now is all about making the most of difficult times and that applies to most everyone. So even though my problems may not be the same as others we are all in this pandemic together and there is some comradery in that. And that’s one nice thing about this ordeal; to me at least.
Stay safe and sane❣️