Is everyone their own worst enemy?

Not that I don’t have people who seem to purposefully go out of their way to make my life unbearable at times, but the damage I cause to myself I internalize and it festers and wreaks havoc on my self esteem. While outside forces while unpleasant and sometimes rather horrendous I can at least pin off on someone else….. for the most part.

I’m specifically thinking of this obsessive/compulsive behavior that I just can’t squelch. It’s like a moving target that just goes from one subject to another, never abating, never truly controlled. The only times it hasn’t caused extreme chaos was when I was obsessed about exercise and reading.* But every other instance, be it people, alcohol, work, what have you has led to pretty unhealthy circumstances.

On a bright side, I’m going to start going to the gym tomorrow. I get my face shield in the mail today. I have my note from my doc excusing me from wearing a mask and my membership is paid up for another year and a half. Truthfully and thankfully, I do happen to love exercising.

It’s just that I’m not super comfortable with my current pudge and the gym is full of mirrors. Because I want to see my fat jiggling around while I sweat buckets and pant from being so out of shape. Lol. Oh well. I’ve done this enough times to know you have to start and keep at it to get results. So no excuses.

And if this becomes my obsession once again, great….. really truly…. I’d be so happy about it. Because the ones I’ve had the last couple years are not really doing me any huge favors.

I am indeed my own worst enemy but I also have the capacity to be my very own savior, if I just stop getting in my own way. Which is so much easier said than done. Isn’t it?

I could definitely use more positive support in my life but I’m guessing, especially right now, that a lot of people could say the same thing. So no feeling sorry for myself. I don’t have it that bad. Things could always be worse. And it’s not that I’m struggling to find gratitude for the good things in my life it’s that I’m having a hard time not feeling overwhelmed by the burdens I have to shoulder…. not just the weight of it but the loneliness of it all.

Alright…..gonna stop right here because I don’t want to cry, at least not right this second.

💋😔

_——–

*Although I’m pretty sure I can also attribute still being alive to my obsession with holistic health. Because I am almost positive that had I allowed the ER doctors 10 years ago to give me the slew of pain medications they had in mind and cut me open (as they requested – to do exploratory surgery) that I’d be dead right now. So there is that.

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

11 thoughts on “Is everyone their own worst enemy?”

  1. Ok. Yes. I am trying to get out of my own way as far as trying to join groups and meetups of things that interest me. But the online format is really hard for me. I can’t do the virtual things. I’ve tried. I just can’t do it. Even when I’m forced to, as in helping my children or doctor visits it is too much for me. It’s taxing. It really is and I have tried overcoming my difficulties with it and all its ends up doing is giving me more stress.

    As far as men…… I tend to avoid them. Which doesn’t help. I’m not a visual person. I don’t care too much what a man looks like. I am attracted to intelligence and kindness.

    I have not really tried to have a lover because A) I’m not feeling super sexy
    B) I don’t want to get involved with anyone that will add drama to my life C) I’m still not sure I’m a good enough judge of character

    Yes, buts. All of it. I know. But I can only do what I can do. Pushing myself out of my comfort zone when I barely have a grip on my life as it is…….

    I guess I’m scared.

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  2. Yes. The THC is. Its something that helps me stay grounded. I take the equivalency of two glasses of wine and it has the same mellowing affect. Where I can relax and let myself just be happy. While also letting me tackle emotional stuff, if I choose to.

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  3. Yep – we can most certainly be our own worst enemy but the thing is that if you recognize that you’re spending a lot of time kicking your own ass – and usually over what amounts to being nothing of great import – uh, what are you doing to stop doing this?

    We all feel overburdened at times and it’s a reminder that life isn’t easy but it would be nice if it was and the trick we all have to try to learn is how to not let it get us down… or get us to start kicking our own asses and that’s not easy, either. We tend to worry about the things we can’t do anything about – it’s beyond our control and/or ability – or we can look at a particular thing that happened and… obsess over it which just adds on to being overburdened. The question is one of whether some things that puts weight on us is borne out of habit or if it’s truly obsessive behavior.

    But I will tell you that when you try to handle a lot of shit by yourself – and that even means without any “moral support,” the burdens you carry just get heavier. You can probably make a good case for why you have so much loneliness in your life; you can tell yourself that with all the shit you have to deal with, you don’t need the distractions or any drama associated with engaging with someone… and that’s a mistake and one that a lot of people have the habit of making. A lot of it is due to not having someone you can “share” your burdens with and even if there’s nothing they can really do to assist with them. It’s just that when someone decides that they HAVE to go it alone, well, they also find out that it just makes shit harder to deal with.

    And I just do not believe that Brad is the answer… but you already know that. You keep trying with him and it’s all good for a short period of time then goes right back to proving why you’re not really a couple… and that should tell you something… but what it shouldn’t be telling you is that you don’t need anyone by your side. You need a confidant, someone to be a sounding board, that sympathetic ear that will listen but will also tell you to get a grip and get over yourself when it’s needed and, yes – you need a lover even if only to relieve the stress of being overburdened. You need someone who cares enough about you that they’ll be willing to do whatever they can to help you get through things without losing your mind.

    It doesn’t have to be one person but you seem to need to have a need to build a support system you can count on and more so if you are, truly, aware that trying to handle all of this by yourself ain’t working all that well. It’s self-defeating and potentially self-destructive behavior. And I’m gonna tell you that if you give me that, “Yeah, but…” stuff, well, we’re gonna have words (but nice ones). It’s not totally about what you’re doing – a lot of is what you’re not doing. Being “obsessed” over being healthy? That can be a bad thing and I’ve seen people “healthy” themselves sick both mentally and physically. That’s them being their own worst enemy so now it’s the moment when I ask you – and with a great deal of seriousness…

    What are you gonna do to stop being your own worst enemy and when are you gonna do it?

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    1. I want to start now, now now, but I honestly have no idea what to do. I feel like I’ve been hiding under this rock for four years trying to deal with my divorce, my finances, the trauma from my past and how it still affects my life, and now my self esteem isn’t at its best, and I feel trapped in a life I don’t know how to change, and I’m feeling so overwhelmed by it all that I don’t even know how to find the support I need. I guess. First things first I need to start seeing my psychologist again. She always helps me feel better. Start going to the gym, exercise always makes me feel better.

      But as far as starting to let people I’m and knowing where to find good, positive support I have no idea. I really don’t. I think in all honesty I don’t know how to make friends or be a friend.

      And the people I have tried to be friends with and invested my energy into don’t seem to pan out.

      I have so much going on right now. So much I have to deal with and I don’t want to feel like.a burden or buzzkill. Plus I can’t drink. Which is something a lot of people like doing.

      There is one person I can think of that is super sweet and who’s company I enjoy. Maybe I’ll reach out to her but otherwise with the pandemic and everything else going on in my life it almost seems absurd to try right now.

      And there I go with the “yes, but”

      I’m sorry. It’s my default. My mother said the exact same thing yesterday. Lol

      Ok coach. What can I do?

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      1. First, stop thinking about why you can’t do what you need to do to be more right with yourself; stop trying to replace those things with… other things. Stop telling yourself that you don’t need someone for love, companionship and, yeah, even sex for the sake of keeping yourself sane. Don’t look toward one person as a “one stop” solution; sometimes, it really does take a village. If you’re not going to be determined to take control over your life and do the things you know you must do in order to be able to work the problems facing you, you are screwed and not in a good way. Ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” and be honest with yourself about that which you need right now… then figure out how to get it and while setting your pride or whatever to the side because it will prevent you from doing what you need to do – and like it’s been doing. Think about the long haul and what pieces are needed to be able to make that haul and as easy on yourself as possible and know, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that continuing to try and do this all by yourself is just not going to work… because, duh, it hasn’t been working.

        Reach out to the girl even if the pandemic makes it seem dangerous and absurd – you do know that’s why someone invented cell phones, right? Sometimes, just being able to talk to someone can ease the burdens and get your head cleared out and, um, if face to face works better, wear a mask and do a bit of social distancing. If you keep it in your head that you don’t want to burden others with whatever’s going on with you, well, you already know that’s a mistake because there is no way for you to know that you would be a burden unless they tell you, in some way, that they can’t help you or they got their own problems to worry about.

        And you don’t ever give up. Ever. Because if you give up, you’re going to fail and keep failing and those burdens will just keep getting heavier. You have to convince yourself that you need to do something because what you’re doing just isn’t working and then stop trying to convince yourself that you can take the unworkable and make it work.

        Seeing the psychologist again? Probably a good start… and they’re probably gonna tell you a version of what I just told you. It does no good for anyone to advise you if you’re not going to take that advice and make it work for you.

        You have to, for once and for all, decide to stop being your own worst enemy. Life ain’t fair. The world is circling the drain… and there’s nothing you can do about it except to do the best for yourself that you can manage to do. You can’t, it seems, do it all on your own so look for help; ask for it; keep looking and asking until you can get it either as a whole or as a team of individuals who can have your back in the areas you need someone to have your back. I got your back and as much as I’m able to do – what else do you need? Who might be able to fulfil a particular role that can, even with their presence – supportive or otherwise – can keep your head clear and keep you focused and grounded? They’re out there and you’re gonna have to do some work to find them and to that end, there cannot be no such thing as you don’t have the time or you don’t want to be bothered – this is your very existence and mental health we’re talking about and failure cannot be an option and taking no for an answer isn’t either. You let people know that if they’re not going to be part of the solution, stop being part of the problem because you got enough of them already. You’re only human – you can only do so much on your own… but you know that.

        And I knew you were gonna “Yeah, but…” me and, you’re a smart woman – what does that tell you about you doing the one thing I asked you not to do? Do you see why you shouldn’t even think, “Yeah, but…?” You acknowledge that what I’m saying is right and agreeable… but and that’s always followed by a long list of stuff that, usually, isn’t all that relevant. You can say, “Yeah, but…” but only in the context of figure out how to do what you’re agreeing to and not as a reason to not do what you damned well know you need to do in order to be right with yourself and to be able to work the problems as best you can.

        Get yourself out of your own head; forget the past – there’s nothing you can do about it because once it’s done, it can never be undone and you should not let it keep fucking with you going forward. We make mistakes and the smartest of us learn from them and try not to make them again. You do, in fact, know how to change your life but you keep convincing yourself that you don’t have to or you’re not going to and other bits of insanity that’s not helping… but it’s hurting you.

        What can you do? What do you want to do? What’s realistic? What is doable? What. Do. You. Need. Right. Now? If I could hug you, I would because you probably need a hug right about now.

        The reality is that nothing is stopping you from doing what you need to be doing… except yourself. And I have the nerve to tell you this. If you’re overburdened, it’s no one’s fault but your own because you’re not doing what you need to be doing to ease things up for yourself.

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        1. But I use THC medicinally (for pain) and spiritually (to help my prayers/meditations). I only use it during the day when the kids are at their fathers or at night right before bed. Every once in a while I wake up groggy but that seems to be a worthwhile price to me for the benefits. It is such a Godsend when it comes to pain management and unfortunately right now with the smoke and stress my liver has really been acting up.

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          1. The pain thing I get because I’m seriously considering it for my pain and one can pray without being… under the influence – I do it every day and I manage to stay stress free without any help… because I have to be; the alternative is to maybe have another stroke and it might be even more devastating than it was the first time.

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          2. I’ve been using THC medicinally for ove a decade. But you want CBD but not the hemp kind. That stuff barely works. You want CBD RSO from a pesticide free grower. Because it’s concentrated any pesticides will also be concentrated. Siskeyou makes a great blend. You can get it all CBD, all THC or half and half. I always carry all 3 because you never know.

            I give the dog the pure CBD one for his severe arthritis. It works great. He goes from limping to walking normal in 30 minutes.

            Do try it. Play around with it. Start with a tiny dose. Less than a grain of rice.

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        2. But I agree. Absolutely no drinking or other drugs. Although I will make an exception for mushrooms or some other natural psychedelic. Not habitually of course. Not that I could. Lol

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