Not that I don’t have people who seem to purposefully go out of their way to make my life unbearable at times, but the damage I cause to myself I internalize and it festers and wreaks havoc on my self esteem. While outside forces while unpleasant and sometimes rather horrendous I can at least pin off on someone else….. for the most part.
I’m specifically thinking of this obsessive/compulsive behavior that I just can’t squelch. It’s like a moving target that just goes from one subject to another, never abating, never truly controlled. The only times it hasn’t caused extreme chaos was when I was obsessed about exercise and reading.* But every other instance, be it people, alcohol, work, what have you has led to pretty unhealthy circumstances.
On a bright side, I’m going to start going to the gym tomorrow. I get my face shield in the mail today. I have my note from my doc excusing me from wearing a mask and my membership is paid up for another year and a half. Truthfully and thankfully, I do happen to love exercising.
It’s just that I’m not super comfortable with my current pudge and the gym is full of mirrors. Because I want to see my fat jiggling around while I sweat buckets and pant from being so out of shape. Lol. Oh well. I’ve done this enough times to know you have to start and keep at it to get results. So no excuses.
And if this becomes my obsession once again, great….. really truly…. I’d be so happy about it. Because the ones I’ve had the last couple years are not really doing me any huge favors.
I am indeed my own worst enemy but I also have the capacity to be my very own savior, if I just stop getting in my own way. Which is so much easier said than done. Isn’t it?
I could definitely use more positive support in my life but I’m guessing, especially right now, that a lot of people could say the same thing. So no feeling sorry for myself. I don’t have it that bad. Things could always be worse. And it’s not that I’m struggling to find gratitude for the good things in my life it’s that I’m having a hard time not feeling overwhelmed by the burdens I have to shoulder…. not just the weight of it but the loneliness of it all.
Alright…..gonna stop right here because I don’t want to cry, at least not right this second.
*Although I’m pretty sure I can also attribute still being alive to my obsession with holistic health. Because I am almost positive that had I allowed the ER doctors 10 years ago to give me the slew of pain medications they had in mind and cut me open (as they requested – to do exploratory surgery) that I’d be dead right now. So there is that.