A good portion of my life I’ve spent longing for or aching over a boy (man). And while I can’t consider it time ill spent, I am truly grateful to not be in that headspace anymore.
Not because it takes me out of the present (by putting focus on the past or future), but more so because it takes energy away from myself. It takes the focus away from me: who I am, what I want for myself, my goals, ambitions, desires, possibilities. And maybe that was what I wanted and needed then, an escape from facing reality by focusing on things I could not control.
But now I have all the time, energy, ability and desire to focus on things I can control. I am happy to have that shift inside of myself. Where I allow myself to be my main focus in life. I’m not worried about coupling or how potential suitors see me, what I have to offer, what is out there, what I can get. While all that is entertaining to some great degree, I’ve never found it all that fulfilling.
Love will come if and when it comes. Not to say I don’t think about it sometimes. I do. Not to say I don’t wonder about it. I do. But it doesn’t consume me, obsess me, rule over my life, like it used to.
I see myself through my own eyes, instead of the eyes of others. There is no one from my past I wish were here now. There is no (mythical) perfect man from the future I’ve dreamed up for myself to latch on to.
There is just the here and now of what is and I find myself at peace with that.
This NAC is miraculous. For the first time in two weeks I am not feeling much pain at all. My energy is coming back. My mood is improving. I’m not sure how restorative this supplement is overall, but it has made a huge improvement to my liver.
I notice that even though the coffee enemas are great they don’t necessarily produce a large bile purge. But the NAC does produce a substantial bile purge, rectally more so than orally. This explains the rapid relief. Getting rid of toxins and overload and helping the production of new bile. It’s taken me over 10 years of trying to find something so useful.
I am going to do a liver flush this coming week too. The smoke from the fires was a lot for my system to take on and a good thorough cleanse is just what I need right now. But now I also have another remedy in my arsenal. It truly feels so good to know how to take better care of myself. To know how to help my body when it needs it.
I realize that drinking alcohol led me to this fate and that as much as I miss it and wish I could still drink I have the tools I need to keep myself alive, and I really need to let alcohol go once and for all.
Regardless of whether I manage to reverse the damage I’ve caused myself. My weakness is my liver and I need to respect myself and my body enough to be strong in the face of temptation. It is getting easier, but I’m not sure I’ll ever stop craving it.
For now, I just need to keep focusing on the positive, mitigating my weaknesses as much as possible and praying for courage and strength along this path. And of course just keep keeping on. What else is there? 😉