I want to own it.
I want to own everything.
It may not all be that desirable (by societal standards), but this is me and if anyone should appreciate me in all my nuances…. it should be me.
I’m a bit of a chunk right now. But I see other women who are fat, plump, curvy, whatever you want to call it and I never disparage them. I can see their humanity, their beauty and character and I can see beyond what is deemed acceptable.
So why am I holding myself to those same standards, which I don’t truly believe in?
I get that instinctually men are attracted to hourglass figures and other physical attributes that are seen as depictions of health to ensure offspring survival.
I also get that their ego drives them to want someone that will raise their status.
My offspring days are done and I can’t compete with 20 year olds nor should I be expected to, nor do I want to.
In an ideal world I want to get married again and have a lifelong partner.
I’ve had a lot of fun since being divorced these last 4 years. I have played a lot and experienced things I never even dreamed of, sexually and also spiritually.
And I feel I’m ready for something real and powerful. I’m ready to be vulnerable and put it all out there. At least I think I’m ready.
I see these women that own their body “flaws”, like Lizzo and I think absolutely yes, go girl. I am awed by their self esteem. And then I see them lose weight, like Rebel Wilson. Which is their prerogative and I can’t fault them for trying to be healthier and look and feel better. But it adds to the mixed messages.
Truthfully, I’m just not feeling super sexy right now. So….. I hid my dating profile. That lasted all of 14 hours. Probably would have been less if I hadn’t slept through most of that. I was going to have to buy the app to see who liked me and it didn’t seem worth it.
I want to start hitting the gym. I need to get some decent pictures of myself. Then I’ll revisit it.
But even more importantly I need to work on owning it. Owning myself and loving and enjoying myself with all my many flaws and beauty.
Yes I do