I woke up with that song in my head today. Yesterday I dreamt with Brad. All I remember is that I was crying in the dream.
I’m honestly not trying to torture myself by thinking about him. Ruminating over the past is a huge waste of time. And there is too much emotion involved to extract any lessons right now.
I miss him; unequivocally. But I knew in my heart that we were never going to be a forever after couple. I was fine with a here and now relationship; a mutually beneficial one that didn’t have to involve too many future plans.
Why could that not be a thing? It’s realistic. It allows for whatever is going to happen to happen, without a need to grasp at more. It’s fine though. We weren’t at a place to even communicate amicably anymore and our relationship wasn’t so sexually driven to be able to avoid talking.
It just doesn’t help matters that I don’t have a lot of friends or hobbies to distract me from missing him.
Tomorrow I’m going to a spiritual microdosing event. I have been in touch with the organizer for over a year trying to make it to one of her events. She had to vet me ahead of time. She asked me why it took me a year to finally commit to coming. It took me a beat to answer. But I explained that I have three kids and I have had two businesses, a part time job and a boyfriend for the last two years.
I told her that not only did I spend the limited free time I had with him but that he also wasn’t super supportive of my spiritual endeavors, especially not the ones involving substances. Even though he has an arsenal of prescription drugs that rivals a small pharmacy at his house.
I explained that now that the relationship was done I have the time, energy and desire to continue full steam ahead on my spiritual quest.
I’ve also signed up for some inexpensive and free spiritual online courses and lectures and one in person all day event later this month with the Venus Rising gals.
There is a shamanic school in Portland that is also offering online courses but I think I’ll wait until they are offering them in person. I left it open to see if I change my mind. I think the online courses are much cheaper, so it may be worth considering, even though I don’t particularly like online training.
I don’t always have the follow through to motivate myself to do the online work and tend to fall behind. So I prefer not to pay for something I may not finish or put the needed effort into. I use computers because they are useful, but I could take them or leave them. Mostly I use them out of necessity and now that I use them so much for work it’s a lot of time spent on them. Too much for my taste really.
Plus I want reasons to get out of the house beyond work and errands. I need to see if the gym is open now, but I also need to get a mask I actually feel like I can breath in easily if I’m going to be working out with one on. Maybe I’ll see if they allow face shields. That would be ideal, although it may attract some nasty looks.
Well. Busy day today. I have three clients I told I’d get to this weekend and if I’m going to be at the workshop tomorrow and finish getting all the stuff out of Brad’s Sunday, plus there is a meeting for the smalls pod tonight, it doesn’t leave a lot of time to get work done. So I best get started.
I haven’t figured out how to stop time yet. 😋