All out of love – Air Supply

I woke up with that song in my head today. Yesterday I dreamt with Brad. All I remember is that I was crying in the dream.

I’m honestly not trying to torture myself by thinking about him. Ruminating over the past is a huge waste of time. And there is too much emotion involved to extract any lessons right now.

I miss him; unequivocally. But I knew in my heart that we were never going to be a forever after couple. I was fine with a here and now relationship; a mutually beneficial one that didn’t have to involve too many future plans.

Why could that not be a thing? It’s realistic. It allows for whatever is going to happen to happen, without a need to grasp at more. It’s fine though. We weren’t at a place to even communicate amicably anymore and our relationship wasn’t so sexually driven to be able to avoid talking.

It just doesn’t help matters that I don’t have a lot of friends or hobbies to distract me from missing him.

Tomorrow I’m going to a spiritual microdosing event. I have been in touch with the organizer for over a year trying to make it to one of her events. She had to vet me ahead of time. She asked me why it took me a year to finally commit to coming. It took me a beat to answer. But I explained that I have three kids and I have had two businesses, a part time job and a boyfriend for the last two years.

I told her that not only did I spend the limited free time I had with him but that he also wasn’t super supportive of my spiritual endeavors, especially not the ones involving substances. Even though he has an arsenal of prescription drugs that rivals a small pharmacy at his house.

I explained that now that the relationship was done I have the time, energy and desire to continue full steam ahead on my spiritual quest.

I’ve also signed up for some inexpensive and free spiritual online courses and lectures and one in person all day event later this month with the Venus Rising gals.

There is a shamanic school in Portland that is also offering online courses but I think I’ll wait until they are offering them in person. I left it open to see if I change my mind. I think the online courses are much cheaper, so it may be worth considering, even though I don’t particularly like online training.

I don’t always have the follow through to motivate myself to do the online work and tend to fall behind. So I prefer not to pay for something I may not finish or put the needed effort into. I use computers because they are useful, but I could take them or leave them. Mostly I use them out of necessity and now that I use them so much for work it’s a lot of time spent on them. Too much for my taste really.

Plus I want reasons to get out of the house beyond work and errands. I need to see if the gym is open now, but I also need to get a mask I actually feel like I can breath in easily if I’m going to be working out with one on. Maybe I’ll see if they allow face shields. That would be ideal, although it may attract some nasty looks.

Well. Busy day today. I have three clients I told I’d get to this weekend and if I’m going to be at the workshop tomorrow and finish getting all the stuff out of Brad’s Sunday, plus there is a meeting for the smalls pod tonight, it doesn’t leave a lot of time to get work done. So I best get started.

I haven’t figured out how to stop time yet. πŸ˜‹


Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

2 thoughts on “All out of love – Air Supply”

  1. This thing you and Brad have going on is pretty “weird,” huh? Can’t seem to stay away from each other but y’all don’t do well trying to be a couple. One part of you says being a couple is a bad job, full of drama and headaches… and another part of you – and him, too – just can’t get away from still being attracted to each other… and needing each other at times.

    There are a lot of “couples” who get along with each other better when they’re not trying to be a couple. There are also a whole lot of people who believe in the “happily ever after” fairy tale, that they’re gonna find that one person, fall in love with them, and be with them for the rest of whatever… but life and human nature always tends to totally disillusion and debunk the fairy tale.

    Then people in this situation have this all or nothing mindset going on instead of taking whatever they still seem to have and doing something with it… that’s not them trying to be a couple. Maybe they just wind up being lovers with more than just a passing attraction to each other; you both are the devil you know.

    Why could it not be a thing? My dear, it is a thing: It’s called Friends With Benefits! Usually all of the relationship perks minus the responsibilities that a relationship demands and requires. It is quite possible that you could have all the friends you’ve ever wanted – and, really, if you don’t have any friends at this time, why don’t you? – and have all the hobbies you can handle – and why don’t you have any? – and you’d still miss Brad. Or not.

    It’s not the past that’s bothersome so much; it’s still wanting something that, apparently, has been proven not to work the way you want it to. He’s “that guy” who has your heart… and the guy you can’t settle down with. So if that doesn’t work – and your past seems to reveal that it doesn’t – well, what does work? You know the answer to that one (wink, wink); now the real question you probably need to answer is this something that you can more easily work with? You probably know you can have Brad pretty much any time you want and need him, not just for sex but to also not be so alone; does that work for you and him? Are either of you willing to go at this in a “non-couple” kind of way? To be More Than Friends With Benefits?

    The difficult part in this is not letting your emotions drive the bus; this is the kind of situation that you need your intelligence running things. Your emotions want what they want; your intelligence say, “That ain’t working – so stop wanting it to work already!” Your intelligence knows that you two can be a couple without being a couple… but your emotions ain’t hearing any of that. Now which thing gives you the comfort you need without all that drama?

    Sounds like an easy choice… but as long as your emotions are calling the shots, well, guess what ain’t gonna happen?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes. I know. Before this whole political thing went to such extremes we pretty much were friends with benefits.

      But we are so diametrically opposed politically and neither of us can keep our mouths shut about it. Which leads to this awkward trying not to talk about the elephant in the room situation. Which doesn’t work for either of us. Because we are both huge, pain in the ass, know-it-alls.

      It’s better to let this dissolve into nothingness. Maybe after the election we can possibly revisit this. But with him thinking if Trump doesn’t get elected it will be the end of the world, my eyes just can’t roll high enough to take the torture of listening to his rantings. There is no bridge to this divide. It’s too wide of a gap and we are both staunchly stuck on our own sides. While I’m not even that political to begin with I also can’t just agree to things that make zero sense to me just to get along with someone.
      It’s not worth the headache. I’ll find someone to have sex with. I’m not too worried about it honestly. Plenty of dick in the world. Might even dabble in the other side. I quite like having a blank slate again. No one to interfere with whatever I want to do, with whoever I want to do it, whenever I want to do it. Granted I’m not doing anything right now. But I like the possibilities. It’s not as stressful as what we had going on.

      Good sex and companionship only gets your so far if you can’t even get a long with someone. And the last straw is his fanatic love of Trump. I just can’t handle it. I just can’t.


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