Emotional turmoil

Breaking up is a pain in the ass. There was a movie I watched recently from New Zealand where these two woman owned a business that specialized in breakups. They guaranteed a clean break for a price. Sometimes it was cruel but it was always effective. I can see the draw to that.

This is how many times of breaking up with Brad? Way, way, way too many. And it’s just not a fun process. So to do it repeatedly, is just torture really…. completely unnecessary torture.

And of course my analytical brain still wants to fix it. My superior intelligence deems itself capable of finding a solution. But that’s like trying to put together a puzzle that not only has too many missing pieces but also an abundance of pieces from other very similar puzzles.

Through this all I really somehow thought we could remain friends. Hope or delusion, but it does make me sad. Two years and a lot of effort and emotion went into it. We had so many ups and downs and I had my own traumatic pitfalls and learning to do. Having to drag myself out of my own deep dark caverns.

I have to believe that through the pain, there were enough good times and enough healing and understanding of myself to justify the stupidity of arguing so much, with no resolutions or agreements. Does it not matter or did it matter too much? I can’t say.

Some lessons you don’t learn until the dust finally settles and you’ve cleared out the cobwebs and truly moved on. I’ll get there. I’m still mucking about in the stages of grief and a bit in disbelief that this is really it.

I definitely don’t want to do this anymore, at least not with Brad. Unfortunately, one has to accept that when you open the door to love you never really know how the party will end.

I’m happy to be on my own groove. Doing exactly what I want to do when I want to do it. There isn’t the convenience, comfort and joy of having someone to depend on, care for and be cared by. But there is the wide expanse of unending possibilities. And it is nice to dream.

For now I’ll settle for my own quiet tranquility. Trying to stay thankful for all my many blessings.

It’s a beautiful day. Let’s start there.


Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

10 thoughts on “Emotional turmoil”

      1. First, just chill for a moment. Once you’re nicely chilled out the first question is what do you want to do with yourself? Then putting an action plan together that will probably be many layers deep; then chilling a bit more to contemplate whether or not any of your plans are realistic and doable. Pick a few of the best of the plans… then implement them in the order you’ve decided upon – and while remembering to leave some wiggle room for shit to happen, something a whole lot of people consistently fail to do.

        If you can avoid it, don’t think about time and not doing this is an interesting exercise in being in the moment; being in the now more than somewhere down the road.

        Sounds like a lot of work? It might be depending on how much you really need to figure out what to do with yourself. Then my question to you is, are you up for the challenge this is going to present?

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Phew…. This all sounds like a lot of work. I know you’re right. I should have some direction, some plan. Even if it falls apart at least I had some sense of where I want to go.

          I’m feeling a lot like a leaf blowing in the wind. But I don’t have the energy for the mental acrobatics needed to think of the future right now. Some days I want to call it at 7pm and just go to bed. Moment by moment is my life source right now. I feel like if I take on anymore I’ll have to start setting a reminder to tell myself to breath. Lol


          1. Yes. You’re right.

            I was hanging out with 3 couples tonight. It was an meeting for the pod that the little one is in. All the families got together. And I was watching these married couples interact and socialize and I realized that I miss being married and having someone to take care of, argue with, come to events like that with. I kid myself when I say I don’t want that.

            I don’t mind being single and I’d much rather be single than married to the wrong person or married to anyone just to be married. But I do really want that again. Just not enough to settle for a crappy marriage.

            Otherwise, I’m doing everything I want to be doing in life. Except getting laid, but that’s not high on the list right now. Right now I really, really, really want to lose these pounds I’ve gained over the last few years and especially months.

            So I guess I need to start there.

            Does that sound like a good plan?


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