Breaking up is a pain in the ass. There was a movie I watched recently from New Zealand where these two woman owned a business that specialized in breakups. They guaranteed a clean break for a price. Sometimes it was cruel but it was always effective. I can see the draw to that.
This is how many times of breaking up with Brad? Way, way, way too many. And it’s just not a fun process. So to do it repeatedly, is just torture really…. completely unnecessary torture.
And of course my analytical brain still wants to fix it. My superior intelligence deems itself capable of finding a solution. But that’s like trying to put together a puzzle that not only has too many missing pieces but also an abundance of pieces from other very similar puzzles.
Through this all I really somehow thought we could remain friends. Hope or delusion, but it does make me sad. Two years and a lot of effort and emotion went into it. We had so many ups and downs and I had my own traumatic pitfalls and learning to do. Having to drag myself out of my own deep dark caverns.
I have to believe that through the pain, there were enough good times and enough healing and understanding of myself to justify the stupidity of arguing so much, with no resolutions or agreements. Does it not matter or did it matter too much? I can’t say.
Some lessons you don’t learn until the dust finally settles and you’ve cleared out the cobwebs and truly moved on. I’ll get there. I’m still mucking about in the stages of grief and a bit in disbelief that this is really it.
I definitely don’t want to do this anymore, at least not with Brad. Unfortunately, one has to accept that when you open the door to love you never really know how the party will end.
I’m happy to be on my own groove. Doing exactly what I want to do when I want to do it. There isn’t the convenience, comfort and joy of having someone to depend on, care for and be cared by. But there is the wide expanse of unending possibilities. And it is nice to dream.
For now I’ll settle for my own quiet tranquility. Trying to stay thankful for all my many blessings.
It’s a beautiful day. Let’s start there.