I don’t wonder why I have such few followers. Honestly I’m actually surprised I have as many as I do. I cover a wide variety of subjects but mostly it’s just me, my life and my blog diary. But I do talk about fairly controversial or taboo subjects and I believe the most alienating of them all is pedophilia.
This is something that I talk about a lot. Because of how deeply it impacted my life, into adulthood, even now and how it has inadvertently and very distressingly hurt my children.
I remember talking to the pedophilia specialist. She was a very blunt and to the point kind of person. She seemed to really know what she was talking about, so I tried to bare with her unemotional style of therapy. I remember coming out of our counseling sessions and having to sit in my car for a while to calm down and get a hold of myself.
I probably should have mentioned it to her. That the subject matter we discussed really rattled me up emotionally and I needed her to check in with me on a deeper level to make sure I was ok before just abruptly ending our sessions. I believe she was simply so used to dealing with perpetrators (and court appointed at that) than victims that her radar was a bit off maybe.
And I didn’t feel it was my place to try to change her style, plus somehow she was kind of intimidated to me. I liked her though. She was good at unearthing the muck of it all and getting to the point of things. Maybe I should start seeing her again.
Of course mentioning my issues now. I don’t know that I want to see her remotely though. I don’t have a high trust of electric correspondence and while I don’t think anyone is stalking me virtually to that extreme I just don’t feel comfortable putting my life online. Maybe I should clarify that I mean visually. It’s much different than this.
This I can edit or if I regret posting I can take down and in my head pretend I didn’t send it. I have time to think. Live video streams can catch you off guard and there is no rewrite.
I am going to see if that incest anonymous group is starting to meet in person again. I have some dire needs right now. I need to get out of this house. I need something to do with myself that isn’t drinking or gambling or shopping. I want to be accountable to someone or something and much as I love my own psychologist, she is like an aunt to me. She holds no bad judgement of me. She is always encouraging, nurturing and forgiving.
I want to see her again but I can’t even do the remote thing with her comfortably and we don’t generally talk about triggering items.
So anyway back to the pedo specialist. She says to me in trying to explain things that sometimes it’s just a matter of convenience. The prey just happens to be under the same roof with easy access. Under other circumstances it would probably never happen. This of course gives me zero comfort. And only makes things worse for me now during the pandemic. I have so much anxiety!!!
Oh sorry. I just need to unload. My nerves are so I’m edge. It’s like I’m a minute from crying and it takes so much effort on my part to remind myself to be grateful and to focus on the good things. It is taking so much mental acrobatics that I feel emotionally exhausted.
I was thinking yesterday that if I’ve resigned myself to not have a partner and not have true friends nearby, then what the hell am I going to do with my social need for true connection, besides my children of course. And it occurred to me that maybe I’m looking in all the wrong places and here is where I may lose some of you but, what if I find that connection through spirits, angels, guides from another dimension?
Maybe this sounds odd to some, but a lot of very spiritual people have guides, angels, spirits, some kind of Divine entity they communicate with freely throughout their life, as needed, even throughout the day.
A friend… that’s what I need, the loving presence of someone that won’t get exhausted from me telling them the same issue or insecurity 500 times or maybe they will but they’ll still be there. I remember my two spirit animals from the shamanic workshop. I think I’ll start there and see what else comes.
I have easy access to that space in between thoughts and with that being able to see, hear and especially feel some extraordinary things. So maybe I can find the connection I so desperately need right now there.
Lol. Do I sound unhinged? I can’t tell sometimes. But this is me. No use trying to fake it.
I think something good will come out of this.
A funny, not so funny thing happened, which I wasn’t really looking to do.
Brad and I have broken up how many times? I really don’t think anyone knows the accurate score on that. Let’s go with 23/5. So this time he actually broke up with me.
He said I didn’t respect his views and I agreed. I mean I’m sorry but no Trump isn’t the savior sent from God to help the United States. No, I don’t think the pope is in a pedophilia ring. (I mean jeezus seriously?) That old man probably can’t even get an erection. Not that I care for the Catholic Church one bit though, other than that I wish to walk through their library and see their research. They have some extraordinary and voluminous work on existentialism, miracles, psychic phenomenal, etc.
But no I don’t think that liberals are terrorist. So no I can’t agree with his views and can’t respect them. They go counter to all I stand for: compassion, believing the best in people, striving for the betterment of everyone and everything on this magnificent planet.
And I can’t stand behind people that I think are purposefully trying to tear the very fabric of this country and world apart.
I’ve seen this play out already in Mexico. The two party system taken to such extremes that violence between them is common, not to the extremes of Ireland but still. The people get so heated and upset and yet the government runs pretty much the same no matter who is in office; cheating, corruption, scandal, drama, some governing, and the pendulum keeps swinging from side to side. It all seemed so silly to me then, as a kid trying to understand government and why people got so mad with each other.
I can’t say what form of government works. I think Paraguay, Malta, Sweden, Iceland seem to have decent systems that actually benefit the people while also preserving the land that works for almost everyone there.
I have high hopes for this country and I’m not giving up on it. I love the world, but I also love the things this country is supposed to stand for and the way it keeps trying to really get there. There is so much beauty here, in its land and people. I know we sound like dumb fucks to everyone outside this country and to each other too right now.
But we need to pull through this: sometimes the only way out is in and sometimes the only way to win is together.
Anyway. jeezus. ok. Focus
So I had asked him if even though he broke up with me I could still do laundry at his house. Yea. I’m that girl. I really did want to be friends, even if I can’t agree with his politics and as generous as he is to me and his family and others…. as sweet as he can be, when it comes down to it I still think he is very selfish, bratty and bullheaded man. The funny thing is I can see myself in those words too, which is maybe why I can excuse his behavior.*
But the truth of the matter is that I just can’t take the arguing anymore. We both stand by our political views and can’t stop from talking about it with each other maybe because neither of us has anyone else to talk to about it. I am usually but not always the one bringing it up.
So back to the story….
So then he says no, rather abruptly to my laundry request. I get it. Alright. It was a stretch. We would have probably ended up in bed. I’ll admit that. And maybe arguing.
But it felt like I was bothering him and I hate that feeling. So I decided to get my stuff out of his shop. At least I’m working on a plan to do that and why I had to tell him was I guess to acknowledge that I get it and I don’t want to be a nuisance. Maybe that’s something I need to get over on a personal level though.
How I detest feeling like I’m being a nuisance. In some cases, where I am is where I have to or want to be at that moment, if someone considers me a nuisance (and I’ve done all I consciously can to not be one) then it’s on them and Karma can have it’s recompense on whoever underscored there. One sometimes can be completely oblivious that it was oneself that was at fault. I don’t know if I can fault anyone that, but it’s those that are purposeful in their wanting to cause injury that I do not very readily feel too included to forgive. But maybe that’s something else I should look at.
Mind you…..I probably won’t ever think of this blog entry again after tomorrow or so and may never revisit any of this.
Oh so, the funny not so funny thing is….
I felt great with it being his break up with me. Right? Like it didn’t by any means feel good on an emotional level, but on a guilt level, zero. But let me continue the story.
So in the text where I tell him I’m gonna figure out how to get my stuff out of his space I tell him I’m sorry for not respecting his views. Now that’s not to say I do, I feel shame for him more than anything, regret for his soul, because I don’t believe he is seeing the truth. But he says the exact same thing about me not seeing the truth, so…. what else is there?
But then I also thank him with a “we had some good times in between all the arguing” line. Which we actually did. So that’s that I think and the worst part is. That when he put the ball in my court and told me to come do laundry at his house after all it did feel good. At least it hurt less. But then having to logically be like, “dude, you were right, we can not get along anymore with our politics so divided and we are both such loud mouths about it we can’t even agree to keep our mouths shut or figure out how to agree to disagree amicably, civilized and respectfully. Frustrates me greatly.
But of course, there were other things too. But aren’t there always? I mean if you go looking for them you always find issues. Really honestly shocked people can even stay married for 60 years without killing each other. I can’t imagine not having had the thought once or twice.
So now I feel a tiny twinge of guilt because the ball was in my court and I ended the game this time.
In relationships you’re not supposed to be looking for the win, not against each other at least. Maybe that was always our real problem?
But… anyway….. gotta hope for a better tomorrow while trying to live a good today.
And connect to some spirits maybe. 😉
*I guess this is maybe the one fault I can find to empathy. When you can empathize with almost anyone and anything it starts to feel like you don’t stand for anything and that can’t also be. There is a fine line there I guess I’m still trying to pinpoint.
Ultimately, me personally….. I want to stand for love. I want to stand for compassion. I want to stand for unity of all people and beings.
Why does it feel so radical to be a humanitarian?