There is an app called Randonautica. It asks your location and to set an intention and then gives you coordinates for an adventure. It suggests the laws of Kismet to be at work. It’s intriguing and it got me to thinking about California and Portland.
In California I did crazy things. I hung out with all kinds of people in all kinds of places. I rarely felt the color of my skin or my sex was a huge issue. But here I don’t feel safe playing this game.
Which brings me back to the Keep Portland Weird mantra. In my opinion that saying is as much a celebration of weirdness as it is a celebration of tolerance. Portland is a place of tolerance and embracing differences. At least, a lot of the time with a lot of the people. But, like all things not always, not everyone and not everywhere.
I have no reason to be so afraid (after all it’s only been less than a dozen times I’ve been knowingly, obviously discriminated against here and never violently) and yet I guess if I’m honest with myself I am. And it’s that underlying fear that makes me feel like I’m not safe here. That the color of my skin, which I can not hide, shield or cloak, sets me up to be an outlet to people’s anger and fear, leading to repurcussions for me.
This fear isn’t paralyzing, thankfully. But it’s palpable. And I absolutely don’t like living in fear.
I truly believe where you are is where you are meant to be or you wouldn’t be there. And that fear, no matter how justified it may be, is just no way to live.
So I must have faith. How I see it,
I’ve had a great run at this thing. I’ve had so many truly wonderful experiences in this life. I was promised nothing and have been given so much.
So I think allowing myself to just enjoy where I am. Not giving in to the terrors that taunt and haunt me. Not giving in to the voices of fear. But trusting that how things happen are how they are meant to happen and finding true peace with that is the best thing I can do and the best way to live.
what I’ll have to do is challenge myself to play that app and see what there is in life yet to see.