Ever since writing that blog a few days ago my head was spinning. I felt my emotions out of control. That is as close to feeling manic as I can remember, but I wasn’t really. I just wasn’t coping that well.
I will admit I did stay up from Saturday morning until I crashed at about 10pm last night (Monday) with no drugs involved, not alcohol even. I was just feeling so lost and confused by my own word and thoughts.
So then last night, through seemingly kismet, I get two mistaken emails from the Venus Rising Shamanic Breathwork gals. I adore them immensely, all of them; especially their drive and purpose, all the good they do. Their teachings are so wonderful and healing.
The emails were supposed to have gone to only a select group of people currently doing a fellowship. It was a link for them to all watch a movie together. The movie struck me as very interesting because it specifically dealt with darkness, and even though they opened it up for whoever got the email to join in the group viewing I ended up watched it alone last night.
And I am so glad I did because it was exactly what I needed and I was crying like a blubbering baby through so much of it.
The movie is called The Shadow Effect with Debbie Ford. It’s available on Gaia or Amazon Prime (maybe not free though). It was exactly the right thing at exactly the right time as if it had been by heavenly design. I watched it intensely and believed and felt every word to be true. It felt so very authentic to me* and it affected me deeply.
Based on what I saw I decided that I needed to write the little, abused 8 year old me a letter telling her how deeply she is loved. How she is completely forgiven and needs to truly believe that and forgive herself. How it wasn’t her fault. How she developed a “strange” coping mechanism or kinky sexual fetish from the trauma; but that it’s ok and she doesn’t have to worry about any of it.
I needed to tell her that it was ok that she sometimes felt a little bit of pleasure from the abuse. What little she didn’t block out, because she also remembers and blocked out a lot of pain, fear, confusion and discomfort. It’s also why to this day she can’t use anything that gets inserted in her vagina. Because she vaguely remembers how he used everyday household items to get her ready for him, like the handle of a brush. And although it still feels unnerving to her to this day, it’s ok.
I wrote that none of this is meant is worry or scare her. But simply meant to tell her everything is going to be ok. And I wish, more than anything I could say to her, the moment you tell him to stop he will stop. And it pains me deeply that if only I had known all that year and a half that’s all it would take to stop it**. But all the same none of this was my fault and I’m not taking on any guilty over any of it, anymore.
This is taking me trying to take away the shame. This is taking away all the feeling of doing something wrong and both not knowing how to stop it and the confusion sometimes of every so often enjoying it too. It is not my fault that clitoral stimulation, even as a child feels good. That’s human anatomy. The truth of the matter is I just need to forgive myself. I mean…
I was only 8!!!!
I do not deserve to feel like shit for something I had no control over.
And now at 47 I have to come to terms with this. I have to truly forgive and accept myself in all of my messy glory.
I am not harming anyone. If anything I try to help every single person I can that comes to me for help, and sometimes people that don’t even ask. Because the world needs more kindness and compassion and I’ve experienced hell, in more ways than one and I try to make this world better, because that makes me feel good. It feels like the right thing to do. It gives my life deep purpose. Especially when we have people like my uncle, like so many others that are actively making the world worse through selfishness, entitlement, self-righteousness, and coveting/greed.
And once I was done writing the letter I felt so very much better. I slept great and I feel really good, although groggy from sleeping too much. I needed that cry and I needed to tell that to the little girl from so long ago. I think I tend to forget how vital crying and dealing with the pain that surfaces in life head on has been to my spiritual healing. Maybe because it doesn’t always feel good to go through it, but boy…. crying is like a flood of emotion that clears out a valley of sorrow. Like a torrential mother nature episode for my body and soul.
I truly, very highly recommend this movie to everyone. If anyone is working on themselves, or trying to make their own life or the world better, even just your own private inner world better, this movie is a must see. Because we all carry a shadow. It’s part of our life experience, it is inevitable. Suffering is inevitable but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.
*All except for the one German woman who felt guilt over what happened with Hitler even though it happened 11 years before she was born. Something about her felt a little inauthentic, but maybe that my projection. Who knows?
**Although that’s not entirely true. I was living with my grandparents when the abuse began and when my father came to visit me one day I begged him to take me home with him. I wouldn’t tell him why but he believed me and saw how distressed I was and took me to my mom’s.
Unfortunately my uncle followed me shortly after and ended up moving in with us, but thankfully after I said “no, I don’t want to do this anymore” and he stopped, moved out and that was that.