“I am a pedophile” I said

“No” he said. “You’re absolutely not”.

But the thought of a young girl with a grown man arouses me and I can’t help that it arouses me. Even when I don’t want it to, it does.

“But you see yourself as the role of the victim. This is all due to your abuse. You would never hurt anyone.” he supplicated. I could hear the angst in his voice as he tried desperately to convince me I was wrong.

“What we do together is just role-playing. It’s fun. There is no harm there.” he pleaded, seeing how upset I still was.

But I really am not sure I can fully agree with him on that.

——

I met with a hypnotherapist a while ago. I told her how I didn’t want to be aroused by these thoughts anymore. And even knowing why they are here, why they exist, how they developed to help me cope, how they influenced me deeply as my first sexual experience doesn’t make it any better or easier.

She wanted me to fill out all these forms expressing in great detail all the pain and emotional turmoil, all the details surrounding it and I just couldn’t. I couldn’t share it. I couldn’t open up about it. The shame was too overwhelming. I didn’t expect her to understand or empathize. I don’t expect anyone to truly understand. Because it feels so extraordinarily uncommon and so very dispicable and dirty.

I feel like a leper. Except my leprosy is hidden from view. And while it’s not contagious or dangerous it is something I have to keep hidden and secret and that somehow makes it even more painful and difficult to cope with.

——-

I remember him asking me “where do people go to get help for this?”

And I told him how hard it was to find help. That most people don’t get help until they get caught up in the system. Even if one wanted to get help, it’s almost impossible to find. You can find specialized psychologist if you try hard enough, but you have to be very careful what you tell them, which makes it difficult to open up, trust and tell them the entire truth and extent of it, especially if you’ve already done something questionable or illegal.

We were, of course, talking about perpetrators not victims, like myself, but the truth of it is quite sad. There are few to no resources for people that have this issue and want help for themselves or want help for family members; beyond just talk therapy.

Which most are probably not apt to even try. So they must fend for themselves. Which means they sometimes find others that feel the same and are trying to also abstain or worse they find others that are perpetuating it.

It’s such a sad situation, any way you look at it. It’s why I wanted to open a clinic. Because one person cured or abated from harming others, especially vulnerable children, is a benefit to the world.

This disease of the mind or of a person’s sexuality is so hidden from everyday view and yet so very utterly damaging when actualized. It isn’t fair to let children take the brunt of something society doesn’t want to face or address in a productive, civilized and proactive way.

I understand it, not just because I have lived through it, but because I understand the desire of it and how subconscious and insidious it can be. It makes me keenly aware of how destructive it truly is. And society lets it fester, bubble and brew unabated by turning a blind eye to it. Because for every person caught and put in the system hundreds more linger outside the spotlight.

Am I a pedophile? I’m definitely not a predator or perpetrator. I am not going to ever cause harm to any child or allow harm to come to them, not if I can help it and especially not in this manner.

I wish I could do more. I want to do more. Especially now, with so many children stuck at home with no relief from any abuse they may be encountering there. No one to really tell, no (even brief) respite from the terror of being someone’s prey.

I try not to cry because it is so deeply upsetting to me. But if I can prevent one person from becoming a victim (like myself), or worse yet a predator, then what I’m talking about and wishing to do is a noble and worthwhile cause.

But I don’t have the resources to do anything about any of this. I suppose I can start by doing research though. Maybe I can be an advocate.

But first I must get myself to a place where I know I won’t be sucked into any abyss. I need to get myself to a place where I know I am truly healed. Because manipulation and seduction is a strong suit of hyper-intelligent pedophiles and I don’t want to be caught in anyone’s web, especially not having children at home.

It’s why I probably shouldn’t date at all right now. It’s why I may never get married again. I think I’ve gotten to a place where I have truly accepted this fate and my past. I just don’t want others to experience this same pain ever, not if I can help it.

🙏🏽🌏🌈

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

31 thoughts on ““I am a pedophile” I said”

  1. I wouldn’t say that you’re one; it’s fairly easy to control one’s actions, not all that easy to control what things your mind conjures up and how those things affect you – what are you gonna do… tell your mind to just stop thinking on its own? Wanna deal with being potentially loaded up with medications that, here lately, don’t work as advertised and if they do, they make you feel worse than you say you are feeling about this.

    Maybe it’s because of whatever trauma you suffered and one might reasonably assume that someone suffering such trauma, when “reminded” of it in any way, would feel horrible, dirty, abused, whatever and not be excited by it. Sure, it sounds messed up and makes you think that you are what you really aren’t but, again, there’s not much you can do about how you react to whatever’s going on in your head and while you can try to not think of those things – and by finding ways to keep your mind busy enough to not allow stray thoughts to pop in, no one that I know of can be totally on guard about their thoughts 24/7 and even when asleep.

    Should you be worried about it? Let this make you decide against dating and/or being in a relationship? That’s up to you to decide but I don’t see how the one thing has anything to do with the other and more so when it doesn’t seem like you’d actually “get into” what your mind finds exciting. Become an advocate? Great idea but that can also mean having a clear mission statement of your advocacy and that usually means putting your trauma out there for all to see, a necessity, I think, that gives such advocacy legitimacy because it’s not enough to say that you’re against such behaviors but letting it be known that you were a victim just works.

    Don’t know how you feel about that aspect but if no one else does, I trust you to find a way to deal with these thoughts and to put them into perspective while not putting your life on hold because you, like everyone else on the planet, cannot control everything your mind wants to latch onto.

    As a kind of aside, one of the things I learned about this – and due some high publicity cases here where I live – is that everyone assumes that, in this situation, the perp usurps control and all that upon the victim who has no idea what’s going on… but those cases revealed a “shocking” revelation, namely the alleged victims did, in fact, know what they were getting into. We assume that children are totally clueless about sex when, the truth is, that’s just not as 100% true as we want to believe. Children do blossom sexually at the their own pace… and some way earlier than we believe they’re supposed to; I blossomed at eight and on my own – I was an extremely curious child and even if I “didn’t know” what I was doing, I knew what it was… and I’ve always been a very quick learner. And I know I wasn’t the only one who blossomed in this fashion, just as I know not all children are as innocent as we’d like them to be. But, sadly, some do get forced into it early and it can produce great trauma but the thing no one talks about is that sometimes, it produces zero trauma and, again, I know way too many people who suffered as you did and to this very day, they are very well-adjusted individuals. Ya ain’t got to believe me – dig into it and do the research and don’t leave any stones un-turned and as I did the day I became a parent.

    One of those high profile cases involved a man and a young girl whose parents found out this guy was having sex with her and had been for a very long time. He got arrested, the case went to court; they put her on the stand and she said that she knew the man was mentally challenged and to her, it made him a perfect target for her and she got him to have sex with her. She was cross-examined for days on end but never changed her story and a lie detector test “proved” she was telling the truth.

    The man got four consecutive life sentences because the jury refused to believe the girl’s testimony and testimony that she never recanted. In a newspaper interview, she said that she felt bad that the man was going to die in prison over something she really wanted to do and felt even worse because no one believed she was telling the truth. If hadn’t grown up knowing kids who did the same thing, I probably wouldn’t have believed her, either. It’s a fact of life that no one wants to admit to and some societies don’t want to admit that, early in their evolution, such things were allowable, like how some countries today say it’s perfectly legal for a 40 year old man to marry a 10 year old. To us, this is beyond heinous, right? About as immoral as anything gets? If you’re gonna be an advocate, dig deep and learn all there is to learn about this before setting up your bandwagon and becoming an advocate. What you will learn might be disturbing and when I learned it, yeah – I was disturbed and I don’t disturb easily.

    Otherwise, keep being who you are and keep living and don’t shut yourself away over something that isn’t true; you’re not a pedophile.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s a lot to ponder.

      You’re right now all cases end up traumatic. I read where a woman was introduced to sex at an early age by her parents. She enjoyed it. She saw it as completely natural and she wanted that lifestyle for her children.

      I’m just not sure at what age children can truly have consent with an adult. Aren’t they being robbed of the innocence of experimentation with someone their own age or close to that.

      Not to say those situations can’t also be coercive.

      If a child is taught at their own pace about their body and how to orgasm I think that’s not a bad thing. If a child learns what pleasures their partner that’s great too, but a lot of time when an older adult has sex with a much younger person it is primarily for their own pleasure and purposes and what they enjoy, not so much the care and consideration of what pace the younger person wants and needs and what they want and don’t want to do.

      Of course this is my vantage as well as the vantage of several women I know who were preyed upon by their own family members.

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      1. The law says age of consent is 18. Are they being robbed? Many say yes… but does anyone ever ask… and if they do ask, would they be believed? Tough questions. What the law doesn’t cover is… awareness. Parents go out of their way to hide sex and, I’ve thought, without fully realizing that their children are almost constantly exposed to it. Not only that but kids are curious and many do find out about sex via their peers… and before they can legally consent to sex. And – gasp – many are eager to explore it and innocence? That’s an adult concept borne out of moral righteousness more than the reality that’s often involved.

        This shit is… deep and that’s being nice about it. I leave right and wrong to the beholder in these things but I know things aren’t always as they appear to be and don’t happen the way they’re supposed to.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. True. But that’s why there are laws in a lot of states that allow for sex between minors within the same age range without charges needing to be mandated. They consider it sexual exploration.

          I know once a child is aroused sexually there is not going back and I agree that it needs to be more open, talked about and accepted as part of life. It’s the Puritan overzealous religious aspect that was brought with the founders and kept up by most Christian based religions who want to blindly believe abstinence is plausible and beneficial. When most studies point to that not being the case.

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          1. Because they know how kids can be and why age gaps/differences are enforced. We politely call it experimentation when, as you said, it’s exploration… and they knows are gonna explore… because kids have always explored. They “lose” their innocent with each other and it’s no harm, no foul and often ignoring the trauma that can be caused here.

            Deep enough for you yet?

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          2. I don’t know how many guys and gals I know who had sex within twhe peer group for the first time… and it traumatized them in some way. You do know there’s a reason why a lot of women say that the first time they had sex, it wasn’t all that an they can become dismayed, disillusioned, and even hesitant to have sex going forward? Any guy ever tell you, back in the day, that he wasn’t gonna cum in your mouth and swore to God he wouldn’t – and did it anyway?

            That’s pretty traumatic, wouldn’t you say?

            Liked by 1 person

          3. The first time is generally bad, isn’t it? And you’re talking about being disrespected and lied to. No one appreciates that at any age and time, unless it’s a kink someone happens to be into. And it happening the first time would be a bit traumatic. I can understand that.

            Boys, in general aren’t really taught how to respect women, especially not sexually. Which is a horrendous problem with boys and men of any age.

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          4. Of course and it’s a source of great trauma for some… and just a lot of fun for others. Fact is that young folks are vicious critters and that includes girls. Oh, the horror stories I could tell you re peer sex! Our experience shape us, sets us on whatever path we choose to follow and, sure – bad boys are assholes that few women can resist. Nice guys do nice things… but bad boys being the excitement and thrills because they’re willing to go where good guys don’t dare to.

            Narcissistic people are some of the worst people ever but they’re charming, seductive and all that and being attracted to them might it be a matter of choice per se since there’s a thing that lives inside all of us that’s really running the show. You’d prefer not be attracted… but that “other side” of you that gets you all not and bothered even when you know better?

            What can anyone do about that other than to make better choices and no matter how much the bad boys fan in you is against that. Either way, you don’t do yourself any favors cutting yourself off from the one thing you know you need and crave or do you help yourself by trying to deny that you don’t want or need it.

            The problem with us is that we do learn how to treat and respect women but because that tends to make us good guys, we wind up losing to the bad boys unless we can learn how to be bad but not some kind of asshole. Me? I’m the guy your mom warned you about, the one that’ll introduce you to all kinds of stuff that good girls should avoid… but I’m also a good guy.

            Liked by 1 person

          5. Well. That’s the best of both worlds. The saying is “a chef in the kitchen, a lady in the living room and a whore in bed” right?

            How about the equivalent for a man?

            “Handy to have around, respectful and calm in demeanor, but wild in bed”.

            Now that’s the good guy I could go for. Lol

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          6. God no!!

            Lol

            I’ve told every man I’ve ever been with and my own children. Don’t call me from jail because I am not bailing you out. Just so they don’t waste their one call on me. 😂😂😂

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          7. Ever had a guy promise not to tell anyone that you gave it up to him… then find out everyone in the whole neighborhood and the whole school found out about it right after it happened? Trauma. This crap happens amongst peers and not everyone gets over it… but the law can’t do a damned thing about it and we’re blind enough to this to say that sometimes kids just gotta find out the hard way or they’re gonna have to learn eventually that sex ain’t all that glamorous as they thought or told or even believe it should be.

            And when it’s none of those things… trauma.

            Liked by 1 person

          8. Yea….there is a learning curve with all things.

            Why children are expected to go from childlike innocence to sex aficionados in a few short years is so unrealistic.

            I made sure my girls understood how to masturbate and that their body was their own and their pleasure is important and that no boy has a right to their body, even if they granted passage once or thought they wanted to and changed their mind.

            They have ultimate control over their personhood and if that ever tried to be taken from you, fight like your life depends on it.

            Then I taught them the vulnerable parts of the human body that require little force to create painful impact. Lol

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          9. Is it unrealistic? Or just the way it can be for some? Hmm… do I wait until I’m 18 to have sex when that fine babe over there is letting me know we don’t have to wait? If I’m a girl, wow – that dude over there? Makes me wet like Niagara Falls just looking at him! I know I shouldn’t do anything with him but my body is telling a different story. Will it be all that… or the worse thing I’ve ever done?

            Only one way to find out…

            Liked by 1 person

          10. True. It’s all situational and circumstantial.

            I know when my daughter wanted to start having sex with her boyfriend, I A) immediately got her on birth control. And B) after a bit sat her down to discuss her pleasure and make sure she was having fun, doing things she wanted to be doing and most importantly ORGASMING.

            Lol.

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          11. Yup. Some parents are… clueless in that they don’t know or forget that if you tell a kid not to do something, you just told them to go do it… just to find out why they weren’t supposed to do it. Some parents actually believe that their progeny wouldn’t ever try to have sex before they were ready… then get blindsided.

            Plus, for me, I knew I was all up in it early and I’d be a fool to think my own kids wouldn’t dive in the first chance they got.

            Liked by 1 person

          12. I get that. Very true indeed and taking that stance may lead to them lying or keeping it from you. Which is why I try to be very open with my kids. I want them to come to me when they need help.or advice or whatever. I want to know about their life journey and help them.

            It’s also why I always explain to them why I ask them to do something or.not.do.something. I never, ever say “because I say so”. I feel that they deserve the right to know why and I think explaining it to them.helps.them.understand why.

            Most times they don’t.reasoning valid. Sometimes they don’t and I have to resort to telling them they will understand it better then they are adults or parents themselves. Because it’s not always easy for them to understand the consequences of things.yet. unfortunately and all I can do is try to explain to the best of my ability and hope they grasp it.

            Liked by 1 person

          13. Teach them… yep, like that’s gonna happen. Parents are supposed to teach this… and they don’t or their own biases and prejudices get installed into kids and, by and large, they’re left to the own devices and more prone to take what they learn from their peers as gospel… that any everyone knows that old folks don’t know what they’re talking about anyway.

            Not to mention how many parents have traumatized their own children by lying to them about sex… deep enough yet? This rabbit hole goes even deeper…

            Liked by 1 person

    2. But you’re right. Research involves all sides of a story. I absolutely agree with you there.

      And the main reason I am abstaining from trying to form any kind of couple situation right now is that I believe I am still attracted to “bad boy”, narcissistic men who, all the men I’ve dated since in the last few years what I was very seriously attracted to all had red flags regarding pedophilia/incest desires.

      Which makes me hesitant to try to date when my radar is sending me in a direction of potential issues.

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      1. That’s understandable… but does that really mean you’re not confident of your ability to keep your thoughts in check? Girls love bad boys, something is good guys can never make any sense of. Bad boys are exciting and just out there beyond normal boundaries, unafraid to buck the system at every turn and women find this kind of guy exciting. But in this, don’t make the same mistake everyone else does and assuming that thinking and doing are the same things.

        One can think whatever they wanna think… but there are many things one shouldn’t do and that’s where the line gets drawn. I’d say that maybe you need to re-examine your attractions and select a better, more “decent” kind of guy even if you find him… boring. Plain and vanilla. The kind of guy girls wish for to get away from the bad boys that turns them on so much.

        If you’re so against such stuff – and clearly you are – then find better men and tell the part of you who loves bad boys to take a hike. The answer isn’t to sequester yourself – the answer is to look elsewhere. And it’s up to you to decide and defe one whether or not this… stuff is gonna keep messing with you because what you’ll eventually see is that you cannot hide from yourself and you gotta ask yourself if it makes any damned sense to keep being bothered by it and more so when it seems to interfere with the way you wanna live your life, bad boys notwithstanding.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I’m deeply attracted to narcissist.

          I met this guy today, attractive, smart, easygoing, my age, he seemed interested in me. And I was not at all interested in him. And I thought it was maybe because I’m tired and not feeling super sexy or desirable.

          But as soon as a “bad boy” crossed my view my engine revved up. I wasn’t going to do anything about it, but it was there, the palpable interest.

          I’m conflicted because I married my ex thinking he would be a good father. I wasn’t in love with him. He said want my type. I basically forced myself to do it because I thought it was for the best and it turned out horribly.

          I’m not sure if he set the precedent or just followed it.

          I don’t know that I can make myself fall in love with someone I simply am not attracted to.

          And I’m not attracted to nice guys. I think it comes down to passion, a lack of normal, healthy boundaries (that isn’t my set point). I’m all about obsession, passion, longing, a deep and powerful connection. This isn’t really in most nice guys wheelhouse. Lol

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          1. Hmm. I’d say that you did that to yourself marrying for that reason. But your take on bad boys is pretty classic… but I also say to you that the baddest boy in the world cannot make you do anything you don’t want to do. Oh… and good guys can be taught and even trained to be as bad as you need them to be. Just saying.

            So some bad boys say stuff about a subject that doesn’t sit well with you… and I’m asking why you’re even listening to it? There’s an ugly truth that no one wants to accept; you can’t stop anyone from saying what’s on their mind… but you don’t have to pay attention to it. If it… excites you, well, okay – anything you can do about that other than being lobotomized? You control you… and bad boys, while “nice” and all that can’t be allowed to control you beyond that you will allow. You know better than that and you know what should never be acted upon.

            Deep passion? Not of a mind to play by the rules and no clue what “normal boundaries” means? Okay… what does that have to do with what’s going on in your head about this? If we could be guilty of crimes because we thought about them, we’d all be in prison! Everyone. Without exception.

            “Whatcha in for?”

            “I had an ‘impure’ thought…”

            Sounds insane, doesn’t it…

            Liked by 1 person

    1. Hmmm…. I’ll have to really think about that.

      Early sexual maturity. In theory I am not opposed, but it’s like beastiality. Simply letting someone do it can not be construed as consent, especially when the person instigating person yields power and control over the subject. How do you know if they fully understand what’s happening?

      Children should be allowed to blossom sexually at their own pace. It’s the beauty and splendor of innocence that is completely oblivious to the holder of it. But once lost can never be regained. It’s sad to have that taken by force, through coercion, manipulation, lies, etc. It is so sad that this selfish quality of human nature can cause such atrocities.

      Human trafficking being something I consider under the umbrella of this horrible sexual dysfunction.

      Liked by 1 person

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