“No” he said. “You’re absolutely not”.
But the thought of a young girl with a grown man arouses me and I can’t help that it arouses me. Even when I don’t want it to, it does.
“But you see yourself as the role of the victim. This is all due to your abuse. You would never hurt anyone.” he supplicated. I could hear the angst in his voice as he tried desperately to convince me I was wrong.
“What we do together is just role-playing. It’s fun. There is no harm there.” he pleaded, seeing how upset I still was.
But I really am not sure I can fully agree with him on that.
I met with a hypnotherapist a while ago. I told her how I didn’t want to be aroused by these thoughts anymore. And even knowing why they are here, why they exist, how they developed to help me cope, how they influenced me deeply as my first sexual experience doesn’t make it any better or easier.
She wanted me to fill out all these forms expressing in great detail all the pain and emotional turmoil, all the details surrounding it and I just couldn’t. I couldn’t share it. I couldn’t open up about it. The shame was too overwhelming. I didn’t expect her to understand or empathize. I don’t expect anyone to truly understand. Because it feels so extraordinarily uncommon and so very dispicable and dirty.
I feel like a leper. Except my leprosy is hidden from view. And while it’s not contagious or dangerous it is something I have to keep hidden and secret and that somehow makes it even more painful and difficult to cope with.
I remember him asking me “where do people go to get help for this?”
And I told him how hard it was to find help. That most people don’t get help until they get caught up in the system. Even if one wanted to get help, it’s almost impossible to find. You can find specialized psychologist if you try hard enough, but you have to be very careful what you tell them, which makes it difficult to open up, trust and tell them the entire truth and extent of it, especially if you’ve already done something questionable or illegal.
We were, of course, talking about perpetrators not victims, like myself, but the truth of it is quite sad. There are few to no resources for people that have this issue and want help for themselves or want help for family members; beyond just talk therapy.
Which most are probably not apt to even try. So they must fend for themselves. Which means they sometimes find others that feel the same and are trying to also abstain or worse they find others that are perpetuating it.
It’s such a sad situation, any way you look at it. It’s why I wanted to open a clinic. Because one person cured or abated from harming others, especially vulnerable children, is a benefit to the world.
This disease of the mind or of a person’s sexuality is so hidden from everyday view and yet so very utterly damaging when actualized. It isn’t fair to let children take the brunt of something society doesn’t want to face or address in a productive, civilized and proactive way.
I understand it, not just because I have lived through it, but because I understand the desire of it and how subconscious and insidious it can be. It makes me keenly aware of how destructive it truly is. And society lets it fester, bubble and brew unabated by turning a blind eye to it. Because for every person caught and put in the system hundreds more linger outside the spotlight.
Am I a pedophile? I’m definitely not a predator or perpetrator. I am not going to ever cause harm to any child or allow harm to come to them, not if I can help it and especially not in this manner.
I wish I could do more. I want to do more. Especially now, with so many children stuck at home with no relief from any abuse they may be encountering there. No one to really tell, no (even brief) respite from the terror of being someone’s prey.
I try not to cry because it is so deeply upsetting to me. But if I can prevent one person from becoming a victim (like myself), or worse yet a predator, then what I’m talking about and wishing to do is a noble and worthwhile cause.
But I don’t have the resources to do anything about any of this. I suppose I can start by doing research though. Maybe I can be an advocate.
But first I must get myself to a place where I know I won’t be sucked into any abyss. I need to get myself to a place where I know I am truly healed. Because manipulation and seduction is a strong suit of hyper-intelligent pedophiles and I don’t want to be caught in anyone’s web, especially not having children at home.
It’s why I probably shouldn’t date at all right now. It’s why I may never get married again. I think I’ve gotten to a place where I have truly accepted this fate and my past. I just don’t want others to experience this same pain ever, not if I can help it.