This has always been an interesting juxtaposition to me.
Do you stand firm in what you want and pursue it fiercely?
Or do you go with the flow, see what presents and decide if that will do?
I lean towards the latter, but I think that lends me to be too accommodating sometimes.
As far as my love life goes……
if I were to choose to be in a power exchange relationship, then it very much needs to be the former.
However, being Domme is a lot of work. It comes with many benefits and it is satisfying on many levels, but it is still work. The only way for that to not feel like work is to be deeply compelled through infatuation/obsession and it’s very rare for me to feel that. Not impossible or even improbable, simply rare.
I actually really want to start dating again, but almost solely as an experiment on myself. Who am I attracted to? What is my subconscious pushing me towards? I am so very curious to see and gauge my own evolution. Have I progressed at all?
I am resigned to accept wherever it is I am in this journey of healing. I am ready to dole out ample compassion for myself because I am not overly optimistic about where I currently am, truthfully.
Yet I have very thankfully managed to walk myself out of some fires or be pushed/pulled out, I can’t differentiate right now. But how many more times am I willing to put myself through that?
I don’t have answers, only questions and hypotheses.
I’m definitely not ready right this moment to test it. I have things I really want to work on. I have a lot more inner work to do, more healing.
I want to reach a place where I am completely comfortable and absolutely in love with myself, not in a vain and selfish way, but in a very loving and supportive way. I want to be my own biggest fan and have the emotional foundation for myself to be the best I can be, without needing outside assurances of who that is. But knowing for myself who am and being happy and at peace with that.
Who knows where this road of life leads? Right now, I’m going to try to make the most of the time I have in this body, in this time period, in this world. I’m not gonna push forward any agenda of who I am, what the world is, or how things should be.
I’m going to keep to the path that promotes my own inner happiness and remain humble through the many blessings (I hope) life continues to bring me.
And that’s enough for right now. Right?