Yesterday was an emotional day. I cried a lot, just randomly really. Doesn’t help that I am pms’ing.
I kept singing the True Colors song, which is a total tear jerker to begin with.
And I kept wondering why I chose Tony to go home with. I didn’t know he was married until I got to his house and had to actually ask him, but still.
Why? What drew me to him besides that he just seemed like a nice guy. Not to say he isn’t, just that he doesn’t draw a line at disrespecting his wife so what does that say?
I really, honestly wasn’t expecting anything to come from it. I just didn’t want to go home.
This morning I woke up early and attended a zoom meeting on starting a food cart business in Portland. It was informative. I know I can turn my studio into a commissary already, since I had it pre-inspected a few years ago.
The thing it….. I truly do love owning and running my own business.
I absolutely loved colon hydrotherapy, but never have I struggled so much to build a business as I did with that one. Which makes me believe that no matter how much I loved it or how good I was at it, it simply wasn’t meant to be.
I should know this week if I get an interview for the 911 job.
I am still considering the court interpreter opportunity as well but I can’t bank on it. Having to pass two very difficult tests and wait a whole year is daunting. But the financial security and flexibility of that job is worth keeping it in consideration and at least trying. The worst that can happen is that I take the time to study hard and vastly improve my Spanish and interpreting skills.
Plus I think I would enjoy it, and it would be rewarding. Albeit also stressful and emotional to watch people during trying times in their lives. Because, generally speaking, no one goes to court for fun. And having to stay quiet when things are unjust and unfair will be hard for me, because from what I’ve been told, one sees that a lot.
I was telling my tween that maybe I would consider trying to date women when I actually start dating. But will I? I can’t remember being genuinely drawn to a woman outside physical attraction. And I have honestly never desired a connection beyond just friendship with one since high school.
Maybe it’s that I’m much more forgiving of men’s character flaws. Maybe I’ve just never really tried opening that door emotionally again since being rejected as a very shy teen.
I enjoy men so very much, but being with a woman would, in certain aspects, definitely make my life much easier. But is that me trying to run away from my demons? I’ve always said love doesn’t know gender and I truly believe that to be true. I guess I need to figure out my motivation.
If I am trying to run away from my problems then that is not the right course. If I am simply trying to broaden the possibilities and try something new, then that seems acceptable. So I need to figure out which it is before I decide to switch gears and involve someone else in all this.
Funny how life presents you with choices constantly, every moment, every day and we simply take it all so for granted.
I keep having these daydreams of leaving. Of going to some tropical beach, or just somewhere more spiritual and grounded where I feel I fit in better; where I am needed and truly welcome. Some place that feels like home. Like that feeling most people get when they go to Hawaii. A peaceful, happy feeling of belonging.
But my home is wherever my kids are.
That I’ve had a very difficult time here is probably mostly due to all the emotional turmoil of the divorce and the aftermath of that.
The harshness of the recognition of how my traumatic childhood has deeply impacted my partner selection and my sexuality. How I need to mitigate the harm it has already cost me and my children and also ensure that my choices going forward don’t cause any additional damage.
Some days like yesterday the thought of just running away from it all and starting fresh somewhere is just so damn appealing. But, love means never leaving. And I love these girls more than anything in this world. So if I must stay and keep trying to build us a life here than that is what I shall keep doing.
I’m just hoping I can stay clear of tears today. Some days I enjoy crying because it gives me great release as an outlet for my heartache and others I find it debilitating, because it just makes the pain feel so real and present. Yesterday was the latter and it felt very unproductive. But who knows, maybe on some level that’s what I needed. To just sit in my sadness. 🤷🏽♀️
But today is another day, so let’s focus on that. 💋😜