It’s been a while since I’ve sat with boredom for any extended period of time; years actually. Between working so much, the kids, Brad, the mounds of paperwork for the IRS, unemployment, the PPP loan apps and the loan modification, and then moving.
But things are settling down and I’m coming into a few days of not much to do. Not that I don’t have things to do. I can always find things I should and could be doing. But there is nothing absolutely pressing. It’s nice but also a tad distressing. I sometimes make bad decisions out of boredom.
whenever I talk to someone that is trying to change their life, implement new habits, stop harmful behavior, etc. I always say “stop focusing on what you don’t want and focus on what you do want. Keep adding in the things you want in your life and soon enough the things you don’t want will naturally, gradually fall away.”.
I absolutely believe this to be true. It’s just one of those easier said than done things. The thing about addiction, whether it’s to a feeling, a person, a thing, an experience is that finding things that occupy or satisfy that itch isn’t always easy and withdrawal is not a fun process to go through for anyone.
And focusing on the bigger picture is easy to say. Focusing on where you want to be, who you want to be is helpful but in and of itself not always enough.
Which is why I sometimes like sitting in my boredom. Because it allows me to see myself more clearly; what motivates me, what lingers in the corners taunting me, the small nuances of my mind I don’t usually pay much attention to. They all come out to play when I’m bored. Clamoring for attention. And it’s good to see into these pockets of my psyche.
And sometimes boredom motivates me to do some pretty great things. You just never know with these things.
I’m looking forward to seeing what I see. Seeing what comes out of it. It may not all be pretty. I may not be able to contain the demons. I may feel angels come to offer me their grace. One never knows what will happen when we can slow down enough to truly pay attention to it all. Does one?
I’ve decided to turn my focus away from men entirely. This pandemic gives me the perfect opportunity to do that without feeling like I’m missing out on anything. And I’m officially deciding I don’t want to be married again, ever.
Men enjoy having my love, my attention, having sex with me. They enjoy my company. They admire my qualities. And while that’s all absolutely great, my focus is not on seeing myself through the lens of a man or even as a couple. I want to see myself as my own person. I want to focus on me; my own desires, my own attention, my own admiration.
That’s much more important to me right now and I’m truly very fortunate and extremely grateful to be in a position in my life where I don’t need a man; not financially, not sexually (although I may need to invest in some better toys), not emotionally (not that most men know how to be emotionally supportive, some do though).
And I’ve finally gotten to a point in my life where I truly enjoy spending time alone. I don’t have that nagging FOMO at all anymore, not even when it comes to relationships. It makes it easier that I’ve never been an envious person.
Because I can see a happy couple enjoying time together and be happy for them, without it taking away anything from my own experiences and life. If anything it reminds me that life has its ebbs and flows. I have been there and one never knows what life will bring.
I am simply choosing to no longer focus on men at all. This is new to me. So let’s see how it goes. 😂😜💋