Trying not to loose sight

of the goals I’ve set, the opportunities in front of me and the things in my immediacy. But it’s not easy.

For one, living underneath my house is really depressing. Last time I did it while Airbnb’ing my house I was still operated my business and it was just a bit more fun. Wondering what the guests were like, if they were enjoying their stay. There was mystery and excitement, and of course the red room.

Granted my ex had my kids full time which was giving me massive anxiety, but I was using that time without them wisely and working out every day and feeding the homeless.

It’s not that I feel hopeless, it’s that I feel direction-less.

I’m still in the running for the 911 job, which would allow me back into the house. I can still take the written test for court interpretater program in November but the oral exam won’t be until next summer and I can’t work at the courts until I pass both. Although I think I can still put myself on the list as a native speaker. Which I may do now, since that is free I believe. And you never know. I’ll shoot off an email today about that, since it’s on my mind.

But we got an email yesterday from the school district that it’s looking more and more like school will not start physically next month. Which is a huge bummer for me and the kids. Honestly, I’m not sure which of us is more bummed about it. The going to be senior, the 2nd grader who misses all her friends or me. It’s a toss up.

If there were somewhere in the world I could take them, some beautiful, safe beach location, to live life just until school reopens physically….that would be grand. But those are Rockefeller dreams on my root beer budget.

If I don’t get this job with 911 then I really don’t know what is keeping us here anymore. My business is closed, school doesn’t look like it’s starting, and there are no friends or family to really anchor us.

I don’t know. The world is crazy right now. All I know is I don’t particularly feel safe here anymore. With the racial division in this country right now I don’t even feel safe going for a walk alone in my own neighborhood in brood daylight. My children can pass for whitish, so I feel fine with them roaming around, but not so much for myself. Maybe it’s all in my head, but there have been several incidents of racism in my little town. I mean they don’t call this city “White” Linn for nothing.

Where do you go in the world when your own country doesn’t really seem to want you? Where do you go to fit in? Where do you go to be safe? Where do you go to truly belong?

Many times, during my life….like right now, I feel so very much like Stitch in the original Lilo and Stitch movie, when he realizes he doesn’t have a family or home to go back to.

My kids are my only true home. So being with them makes me feel complete without needing too much more in the world. But if I’m going to be quarantined like this indefinitely with the kids not having physical school and not getting hired then I’m not sure how much of this living under my own house I can endure. Maybe once they hand me the first rent check I’ll feel better, but right now I don’t.

I am really not enjoying very much of this at all. But I can bide my time until these other items get a definitive resolution and then I can decide what to do with myself and the kids.

Malta isn’t sounding so bad…… although they might not want us either right now. Lol

πŸŒπŸŒˆβœŒπŸ½πŸ’‹

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

2 thoughts on “Trying not to loose sight”

    1. I am trying. I really am. I guess if I just give it time this will become the new normal. I just have to give myself compassion while I struggle with the changes.

      Financially I’m actually really fine right now. Emotionally totally and completely not the case though.

      But I appreciate the support. I truly do❣️

      Like

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