One accepts the love one thinks one deserves or are we all just martyrs?
I have either had the pleasure of loving the person I have truly wanted to love or had the pleasure of feeling deep devotion from someone. I have not had the pleasure of both. Never have these two things met within a healthy relationship, at least.
It’s not that these men haven’t met my standards. It’s that it’s never been enough. It has never been quite right.
Only one time, as an adult, did I think I met someone who would have been a truly ideal and healthy partner. Someone who was really smart, genuinely kind, and I felt a strong connection to. But at the time I was still a bit hung up on an ex and fate never allowed any more than a few encounters with said person.
I guess it was simply not meant to be. And honestly I probably would have sabotaged it or hurt him. I was still fairly immature then.
I honestly feel I still have some to grow to be in a real, stable, healthy relationship without sabotaging it. Until then, I still want to have sex though. 🤔🤔🤔. Saving myself sounds great theoretically, but definitely not realistic. And masturbation gets old fast.
I am not sure why I obsess so much about this all. But I can remember being this way since I was 6 years old, obsessed with boys, in love with love. Sure there is a psychological reason for it.
I should round out my life for myself first; I suppose. Get settled in life a bit; find my groove, good friends, live out my passions and stop obsessing about when, who, where, if ever.
I don’t know where life will take me, in any sense of that, or anything really. I am open to being taken where I need to be. Where I can be of most benefit and truly shine. Where I am not just complete within myself but the truly great person and mother I want to be.
I have a feeling that a lot of all of this revolves around healing; spiritual healing. And I’m looking forward to the journey even as I keep taking blind steps forward with faith, not knowing where the heck I’m going at all.
I’m in a sad ebb today and I’m allowing myself a few days of rest and grace and ease to ride this out.
May your ebbs be delightful in life and when not, may you find the courage to ride it out❣️