(Maybe these two things that seem disjointed aren’t.)
Let’s start at the beginning.
I make bad decisions. Not always. Not often but sometimes. And generally speaking I believe most people view bad decisions as something you end up paying for.
Last night I drank alcohol. Which I know I shouldn’t do even sparingly. For one, it isn’t necessary. Secondly, and more importantly, my liver can’t handle it. Third, one is too many and a thousand is not enough. Because I have an addiction issue when it comes to alcohol (and probably sugar too). But of all the substances I’ve taken and tried alcohol is my nemesis and my Achilles. It’s a love/hate relationship I can’t seem to break.
I can go months without it and then slip and fall. But I actually gave myself permission last night and then regretted it pretty immediately. After dusting off a bottle, which for me is way too much.
It’s fine though. I’ll be alright. But I won’t be as agile as I need to be today, and it’s moving furniture day. Ugghhhhh. I’m just an idiot sometimes. Don’t think things through as well as I should. 47 years old and still a moron sometimes. Ay yay yay.
Another day, another wagon to climb on. Here we go.
I realize now that I haven’t ever been in the place to attract or keep the love I have sought my entire life.
In my mind, the love I want to feel and share with a partner is etherial. It is an unconditional, irrevocable, powerful beyond anything material, transcending all time and space love that embodies the spirit of God itself.
A bond that can not be severed and is pure and heavenly. A special connection that lifts two people up and connects them in a way that is extraordinarily beautiful, touching and real.
A relationship so transformational, healing, uplifting and powerfully nurturing that nothing and no one can break.
It is the embodiment of the ultimate love that can be shared in this reality between two human people.
I know what I want but I’m not even sure myself if I can be the other half of that. I’m not sure I can attract that. And I am completely unsure if I will ever have that in this lifetime.
But I believe, and maybe because I chose to, that I have had it before and even if I don’t have it here and now, I will have it again. Maybe not in this realm, in this body, but at some point and time. I believe this to my very core.
And I can draw strength from that belief. Knowing if I don’t see or feel that in this life, in this tangible “reality” that when I shed the shell of this existence I will know that love again.
That is good enough I suppose. And until then, I have that to dream upon, give me comfort and give me permission to live my single life to its fullest. Because the life I have without this isn’t bad. It isn’t bad at all really.
And maybe this doesn’t make sense really, but it does to me. And it gives me solace knowing that even though I may not be able to have found or find my way to it this lifetime it is there waiting for me somewhere, sometime. A welcoming home that I can look forward to again.