in the facets of everything that we see. They’re telling us to be scared when all we ever are is free. – Satsung
I was remembering this morning when I was forcibly admitted to a drug rehab center. It’s funny that that was the second time in my life that this had transpired and I have never been a drug addict, nor at either time was I even drinking heavily.
The first time, as a teenager, I went in for the admission interview and spoke honestly, as I always try to do, and was turned away. Just like the time my own mother tried to take me to jail. We sat down with the warden and he asked us both a few questions and he said to her “she doesn’t need to be in jail, she needs to go home”. Which just royally pissed her off.
At the time my mother had shipped me off to live with my extended family in Mexico and I was just a fish out of water there. And then here we were in a Mexican juvenile facility that she could have very easily have paid them to put me in. In this case, I was thankful she is the extremely cheap person she is.
So anyway, this morning I was thinking about how when they admitted me to this middle class (for people with decent insurance but not rich) drug rehab facility I was so out of it. But as the days went on in my week long stay I regained my voice and my strength. About the 3rd day there I saw they had this nice garden patio they opened up a few times a day for the smokers.
I took advantage and asked them politely, that since I had asthma, if I could have a space away from them to sit in the sun. They were very kind and told me they would stay put where they were and I could have the rest of the garden. From that day forth whenever it got opened I went out and laid in the grass in the sun.
Soon a small group of us would come out together and sit and talk and soak in the sun and fresh air. One of the nurses told me that no one had done that before; which I found strange.
I remember forming a strong bond with a few of the other patrons. A super sweet young white girl from extreme poverty who smiled a lot but always looked like she was crying inside. Who even for her young age you could tell had lived a hard life full of drugs and abuse that no one asked her about and she never spoke of.
An older woman who had sunk to alcoholism after unearthing memories of her father sexually abusing her and her mother being complicit. A woman who had never developed coping skills and was effectively simply trying to kill herself with alcohol.
That was not a happy time for me, but it did teach me a lot. There was even a therapist there that taught group classes on coping and addiction that reminded me of Robin Williams character in Good Will Hunting. He was truly amazing and people would like up for an hour before his lecture to get a seat because it became standing room only at one point.
I remember the compassion I received there from some of the staff and the camaraderie I formed with the other misfits. We even exchanged contact information, and promised to get together, but never spoke again. I still have it.
My mother accused me of doing everything in my life wrong (once again), just a few days ago. She said “you live with your heart and that’s not the right way to go about things”. All I could tell her was that I appreciated her concern, that she may be right but that I didn’t want a lecture.
I can’t say if she is right or wrong. All I can say is that in my finite time here I have to do things my way whenever I can. I have to follow the beat of my own drum. And while everyone has an opinion, no one is living my life but me. And while I have responsibilities and people to be accountable to, I also need to be accountable to myself.
Right now, more than anything I want to stop being afraid. Afraid of the future, afraid of the pandemic, afraid of economic uncertainty, afraid of myself, my own choices and the consequences of those.
I want to have pure faith and live happily and at peace with myself and the world. And I think at this time that means a lot of acceptance and avoidance. Avoidance of guilt and second guessing myself and those nagging voices inside. Avoidance of my own judgement and trying to forsee and control the future.
I just want to go with the flow right now and follow my heart. And while that is completely appalling to some people, like my mother; it is what I have found makes me the most joyous and makes this life feel the most authentic and real to me. And that right there is priceless❣️
Enjoy your day💋🥰🙏🏽