I said it today. I said it out loud; not just in my head. I said it and I meant it. And of course the person I said it to (a person of “white” skin) took great offense to it.
I said “you just don’t get it, you white people don’t have anything similar I can point to so I can make you understand how it feels”.
We were talking about Aunt Jemima and nooses. Symbols of oppression and a history people like to shuffle under the rug, within a society that still very much operates with racism built into its every day fabric.
There is no burning cross, white pointy hats or swastika symbols to inspire immediate fear in your body and soul. That remind you of the hatred, vile words and actions that have been tossed at you during your life for no other reason than the color of your skin.
There is no symbol of absolute hatred of you because of something as uncontrollable as an organ of your body.
There just isn’t. There is nothing to equate the level of hatred, violence and every day verbal assaults people of color endure. And that’s just the things that we are aware of. The things said and done to our faces; as opposed to the horrible things said, the opportunities never given and the statistical disproportionality we endure that we aren’t even aware of; simply because our skin tone in darker.
There is nothing I can make someone of white skin and Anglo background feel equivalent to this. Because it simply doesn’t exist.
And I am so sick of having to explain racism and how it feels. How it has affected my life in so many ways. I just can’t do it anymore and all this does is make me want to retreat further away from people; from all people.
It makes me want to retreat further into myself and away from the entire world. It doesn’t make me angry because that’s not how I like to respond to life. But it does make me sad; so very truly, deeply sad.
When it comes down to it, I think I’ve just reached a point in my life where I am truly just so very sick and tired of having to explain the injustices of the world to people. And I just don’t think I have it in me anymore to even try.
And I’m sorry I said what I did. I really am. It was a bit uncalled for. I absolutely know white people aren’t the only racist. White people are not to blame for all the travesties of this world.
Because I blame ALL people for that. I blame hatred, fear, lack of compassion and empathy, hypocrisy, selfishness, egotism, greed, lying and turning a blind eye for the ills of this earth.
And I think right now I am glad I have the opportunity to retreat from the world for a bit. I’m busy enough with my own issues in life to not have to pay much mind to the chaos around me. I think right now I really need to stabilize myself and self soothe. Away from the cacophony of the bullshit going on in the world.
I have just this one life and I can’t let anyone color it in for me. I can’t let the insidious nature of hatred come calling for me, no matter how justified it may seem. Because that just isn’t me.
So I will let this walk be done by people more invested in the narrative than I am. Because those aren’t the bones I want to pick anymore. I’m done, done caring.
Humanity has such a very, very long way to go spiritually and……. it’s a fight few people seem willing to take on; championing for the redemption of their own soul. But all I can do is fight for my own. It’s all I can really do anymore.