People generally don’t realize when they are making a mistake. They don’t go into something saying “This is going to be a catastrophic failure, but I’m doing it anyways.”.
We have our gut, of course. That small voice inside… not the one that is scared of its own shadow and always has some pessimistic outcome to harp on. But the soft, gentle, loving voice that beckons us to listen; except it’s so easy to logic our way out of paying any attention to it. And maybe that’s the clue right there.
Maybe having to justify why we want to supercede that inner voice is clue enough that we shouldn’t. But again not talking about the voice of fear, but the voice of deep knowing. The one that understands the outcome long before we’ve even begun on the road towards it.
This is me just trying to figure out my own choices here….
I remember when I went to the Buddhist retreat and we were told to map out a distressing situation in our life in a circular graph. It could be anything. We had to really, deeply look inside and see how we handled this issue. We were asked to look at how we process the problem, not the problem itself. It was truly enlightening.
I realized that I would have an issue. Then I would create this helpless aura around myself and seek out advice and help. Then I would accept a solution presented to me that I supposed was the right one. Then that solution would feel suffocating and I’d be in distress again and the whole thing would start all over. All because I was looking for answers and help outside myself.
I was seeing myself as a victim of my life and asking for a life jacket from whoever was willing to help and listen. But I wasn’t really considering what I truly wanted to do. I wasn’t waiting for the answer to be clear for me, from within me. I wasn’t waiting to be sure of what I wanted to do before I just reached for whatever solution was presented to me.
Because I was feeling so buried under whatever issue I was facing I just went with whatever I was told to do; whatever pathway was shown to me, without waiting for my own inner guidance to be truly sure, without waiting for my own voice to decide. It was like I was living my life in this state of constant panic and searching for the answer anywhere but within myself.
And I realized how this was creating this constant loop of distress, and I realized then I just needed to wait it out. Most issues don’t need an immediate response. They aren’t generally life or death. I can stop a beat and figure out for myself what I truly want to do. If taking time means my options become more limited as time marches on, so be it. At least when I do make a decision I know it will be mine.
My mistakes alone to make. I won’t be the victim of my life anymore. And I won’t rely on others to make my mistakes for me or to save me from them.
And this understanding has led to a much more peaceful life. Although it hasn’t lessoned the problems in it necessarily. But it has allowed me to respect myself more and to accept the consequences much more easily. It has allowed me to grow up I guess. Knowing I am doing my best, what I truly want or think best to do for myself and I can be at peace with that. It isn’t so distressing anymore.
And I’m going to try to keep going this way. Trying not to make decisions out of fear. Trying not to make decisions I am not truly on board with.
But life can be so damn confusing and difficult. Auugghhh. 🥺 Well…..what’s there to do?
I just have to keep trying to listen to my inner voice, which feels so very hard at times, especially under so much stress. Sometimes, like right now, I feel so weak and I want to just give it all to someone else. But the only person I truly trust above myself is God/Divinity. Lol🤷🏽♀️
So, I hope they can give me the grace to help me follow where they lead and the courage and openness to truly listen through all this worry and fear.
But right this very moment I feel what my grandfather used to say to be all too true.
“We stumble over the same problem in life over and over, we just don’t recognize it as so because it always comes in a different disguise”.
God, please let me not stumble this way again.